Political Humor

How it all started

In what has to be the oddest gift exchange I’ve ever been involved with, Chris C decided that I would get zip while demanding that I find a pet hippie for Fiar. For those of you who don’t know, the master of this  satire domain has a penchant for punching hippies, thus the “gift”.

Since I just learned that Fiar already has a pet hippie, I suspect my gift is supposed to be a companion for it. I guess hippies do better in captivity if they have a playmate.

As I’ve mentioned before, I live in a climate where hippies can’t survive during the winter. They migrated south, leaving hippie sign as they go. It’s easy enough to track them but being a bright guy, I decided to use my head instead.

The thought process went something like this:

What could I do to entice a hippie back this way?

My first idea was to claim that man made Global Warming had converted the area to a tropical paradise. The problem with this was that hippies are pack animals; they tend to stuff too many of them into vehicles that simply wouldn’t make it through the snow.

They’d all just get stuck somewhere and freeze to death since they’d only be wearing tie-dyed T-shirts, sarongs and flip-flops. At least it wouldn’t become another Donner Party, or Uruguayan soccer team, being vegetarians and all.

Not that having them turned into solid blocks of ice is bad thing mind you, but Fiar would hurt his fist punching on a frozen hippie. Or worst, it would thaw in the mail, leaving a nasty, pulpy mess. Again, not an acceptable gift.

So getting an intact hippie up from warmer climes wasn’t going to happen.

Next I tried the Internet. I’m pretty good at searching the web. Wow! Some of the stuff I came across was rather scary. Try as I may, in the end my quest proved futile. Apparently, you simply can’t buy a hippie on-line and have ‘em delivered. The SPCA claims it’s cruelty or something. Strike two.

My mind wanders

I was bound and determined not to strikeout. What a funny saying. Bound and… sounds like the writings of the Marquis de Sade. I wonder if JumpOut celebrates his birthday? It’s June 2nd and not much else happening that time of year… Stop it!

Think. Think. Think. I can’t buy one and I wasn’t going to get Mohammad to come to the mountain, so maybe I could put the mountain on top of him instead. Sorry, that’s for a different post.

Desperation sets in (or if at first you don’t succeed, lower your standards)

OK, I could drive to San Francisco and… no way. I’m not going anywhere near the people that continue to keep Nancy Pelosi in office. Maybe head down to the Black Rock Desert of northern Nevada and see if there are any leftovers from last summer’s Burning Man? Problem is that all the recent rain and snow must have turned the playa into a quagmire deeper than that national debt and the schemes to spend our way out of recession.

Then it hit me. Fiar is not too far from New York City! The French visit the Big Apple from time to time! He could get a Frenchman instead! Yeah I know, gender bias. While I’ve  never met his lovely bride, the way he says “yes dear” to her when he and I have talked on the phone… A Frenchman it is.

But wait you say. A French dude is not a hippie. Au contraire mon frere. The similarities are so striking as to make them kissing cousins. Yuck!

Let me show you

• Hippies and the French distrust work, so they do as little as possible. They’re damned lazy.

• The women of neither group shave their legs or pits.

• The French drink wine, hippies drink wine.

• After all the wine drinking the French piss in the streets, hippies ditto.

• Both smoke a lot cigarettes despite the massive amount of harmful toxins released into the atmosphere, which will kill off all life on the planet.

• They all wear perfume; French men call theirs cologne, hippies call theirs petiole.

• The French and hippies hate America and love socialism.

• Berets are de rigueur for each group. Hippies are too stupid to make nice ones, so they knit theirs from lint they find between their toes when they wear socks with sandals.

• Both think art is a dog vomiting on the sidewalk.

Let’s speed this up. If you’re still not convinced that they are the same creature then look at some of the other things they have in common.

The French and hippies both:

• Drive ugly little, piece of shit cars or underpowered vans.

• Believe in man made global warming.

• Won’t fight for almost any reason or if they do, they surrender at the first opportunity.

• Think everyone else is wrong. Period.

• Adamantly believe the universe pivots on their opinions.

• Are totally into philosophy and are determined to convert you to theirs.

• Smell bad from not bathing, puking up wine, smoking cigarettes and wearing too much perfume.

Nuke a hippie! Punch-out France!

So Chris, if you still think Fiar needs another pet to slug, you don’t live all that far from New York  City either. Go get the gift your damn self. I’m through with Christmas.

Since Les didn’t get anything for Christmas he’s slunk back to his satire and humor blog, Sideshow Mirrors but he’ll be back next Monday, if someone ask nicely.

As you may or may not know, I have been having problems with my new pet hippie. So this week’s flame war parody deals with the behavioral problems of particularity stupid pets, such as pet hippies.

When a pet hippie soils the carpet, do you rub it’s nose in it, or is it too stupid to know why you are reprimanding it if you don’t catch it in the act?

Discuss.

In this recurring humor advice column, President Obama responds to reader questions about beating hippies, Senate seats, blogging, and more.

Dear Mr. President,

I’ve done well for myself and now I find that a few of my relatives are not so fortunate. I have a strange feeling that comes over me once in a while. It’s kind of like I feel like I should help them. WWOD?

Sincerely,

Moneybags

Mr. Moneybags, lucky for you, I have extensive personal experience in this area, including a half brother, and an aunt. These feelings are common among the excessively wealthy. Many times, those who succeed begin to have feelings that they should do more to act as benefactors to their family members. Do not worry about these feelings. The Federal Government exists to spread the wealth around to the less fortunate. It’s not your responsibility, so just let the guilt go.

*

Oh great and wise savior of humanity,

A friend gave me a pet hippie for Christmas. At first I was very enthusiastic about my gift. I was going to hang it upside down in my shed and use it as a heavy bag to practice my haymakers and roundhouse kicks. I was even assured that there was no need to feed my new pet hippie. However, the damned thing does nothing but whine incessantly. It’s literally nonstop.

The fact is, the stupid thing just won’t shut the fuck up, no matter what I do. I tried putting a bag over it’s head to trick it into thinking it’s night time. I even tried beating it harder in the hopes that I could beat some sense into it. But all it does is whine, “blah blah civil rights, blah blah blah torture, bitch and moan UN Charter, wah wah wah!”

So, my question is, do I pretend like it’s a wonderful gift, and thank my friend for his thoughfulness, or tell him the truth - that his gift sucks? What would Obama do?

~ Confused in Coatesville

First, let me say that I do not condone beating hippies. Racketeering, shady land deals, corruption, and befriending domestic terrorists is more my gig. There’s a saying, “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” I don’t know what that means, maybe I will figure that out just as soon as I get this bucket unstuck from my head. But one thing is sure, hold on to what you’ve got. My administration will seek to strip you of everything you own, including your pet hippie.

*

Dear Obama,

I am a liberal blogger but since Starbucks has banned me for having a pet ferret I had to find other places to find free wifi. There was the local McDonald’s but it closed due to Bush’s financial policies. Now I have nowhere to blog from.

My only options are: quit blogging and end my promotion of the Democratic mantra or sue Starbucks to allow me to blog there with my pet ferret.

What would Obama do?

~ SuperLiberal

Fight the power! Don’t let the man get you down. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’m sure there are a few more motivational cliches I could throw your way including something or other about hope and change, but I will simply state that you need to keep fighting the good fight.

Bloggers like you are the bread and butter of America. You are our last best hope. A winner never quits and a quitter never wins. Policy-wise, I am planning on building an all encompassing free wifi network, so if you don’t find someplace to blog from soon, just wait until the infrastructure is in place. I project it will be fully functional by about 2048. Just never give up.

*

Obama, I am a highly unqualified senatorial hopeful from Massachusetts New York. However, the world saw my father’s brains get blown out on film, so doesn’t that make me qualified . . . not matter how much of an idiot I am?

(Also, I could not fill out this form in crayon. What would Obama do?)

~ CKNY

Once again, I would like to remind people that the questions you send to What Would Obama Do? are completely anonymous. I would never make a government employee dig into your background, or send truth squads out to silence you. So, to answer your question Caroline Kennedy, there is no need to have any form of experience to be a successful Senator. You don’t even need to show up for work most of the time, and when you do, all you need to do is vote “Present.”

I was a Senator who never did anything but give a rousing speech once, and I got elected President. For further evidence that no experience or intelligence is required, see also Kennedy, Edward. Being directly related to a former President, quite honestly, makes you overqualified for the job. If I weren’t already elected President, I would say that is the position you should seek.

As for your difficulties with the form, you’re supposed to hire the peasantry to do such mundane tasks. Filling out forms is beneath you.

*

I hate you. WWOD about that?

~ JumpOut

I’m sorry to hear that. We currently have government employees digging into your background. Truth squads have already been dispatched to silence you. You will be sent to a reeducation camp, and will not be released until you see the light.

*

That concludes this edition of the What Would Obama Do? humor advice column. As a disclaimer, I would like to point out that you really should not take advice from a conservative humor and satire site, or any conservative at all - ever for that matter. Also, don’t take advice from empty headed, empty suits that get elected on the basis of no substance whatsoever. If you do choose to follow any of the advice, we are not responsible for any resulting injury, bankruptcy, impotence, divorce, or death that may result.

Feel free to leave your questions for President Obama in the comments section.