12 Money Saving Tips

September 1st, 2007 by Fiar · 15 Comments ·

Pile of Money Not all of us have the luxury of being wealthy. Most of us could benefit from some pointers on saving money. It really only requires you to sacrifice every ounce of quality of life that remained, and you too can save $1.25.

These 12 radical savings strategies will have you rolling in dough that you can’t spend – because if you did, then you wouldn’t be saving money anymore.

Dine in – Since you’re staying home anyway, eat a home cooked meal. It’s quite enjoyable to be served hand and foot and have no clean up afterwards, but who needs to enjoy their leisure time? Eating at home takes more effort, but it will save you a bundle.

Eat generic food – You don’t really need to take pleasure in the food you eat. Consume food for it’s raw nutritional value, not because you enjoy the taste. Don’t worry, with generic food, you won’t enjoy the taste. Just cram it down your throat, and take satisfaction in the 12 cents you saved. It’s not like eating is one of life’s simple pleasures.

Skip the Brand Names – Why pay more just for the a name. That Hunley Darvidson motorcycle is just as good as the famous manufacturer. I can personally vouch for my Romex Watch. It tells the right time twice a day, and for a fraction of the cost of the well known precision time piece.

Shower less often – Do you really need to bathe every week? Skipping showers can save on electricity (to heat the water), soap, and shampoo.

Turn off your electricity – Humans survived for hundreds of thousands of years without it. That’s all the proof you need that it’s nothing but a frivolous expense. Do you think you’re better than your ancestors?

Buy your clothes at a thrift shop – Nothing says you value yourself like wearing fashionable, finely crafted clothing. Valuing yourself, however, doesn’t save any money. Make sure you only buy clothes that have already been worn by other people. First you’ll look like a hobo, then people will start treating you like one. Life is grand!

Recycle your dishes – I don’t mean putting them in the recycling bin. Reuse them without washing them every time. It’s just plain wasteful to use all that soap and hot water. So what if you get a little taste of lunch while eating dinner? It all adds to the experience.

Work constantly – By working longer hours, you won’t have time to go out, enjoy life, or spend money. The logical conclusion is that if you never stop working, you’ll never stop making money, and never have any time to spend it. Don’t worry about your feelings that life is meaningless. What could be more meaningful than infinite workdays?

Discount Mexican Vacation – It’s just to cheap to take the risk that it might isn’t be a scam.

Move to a less expensive home – You may think you want a certain quality of life, like being the only family in your home, but you could save hundreds by splitting the rent with five or six other families. We’ll call it the communal living that no American will do.

Skip that appointment – Haircuts, manicures, and massages; they all make us feel great, and happy to be alive – which is exactly why you shouldn’t be spending your money so wastefully

DIY – It may be nice to hire a professional that will do it the “right” way, but you can save a ton of money by doing it yourself. It’s worth the great deal of ass-pain to circumvent the costly efficiency of a person that “knows what they’re doing.”

Remember, money can’t buy happiness. It just buys most of the things that make life worth living, and thus, make you happy. The key to saving money is to avoid all of the things that make life enjoyable.

With any luck, you can be like my grandparents, who lived lives of destitute hardship until the day they died – with a half-million dollars. Do you really think they would have found any satisfaction in spending that money, and using it to act like non-homeless people? Of course not.

Now go forth, and live your miserly life of hoarding, and deprivation. I hope these tips have helped set you on the right path.

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Category: Humor

15 responses so far ↓

1 Fiar // Sep 1, 2007 at 5:17 pm

I think I successfully reconstructed the post. Sorry the comments are gone.
2 Bob // Sep 1, 2007 at 5:46 pm

I think I just threw up a little bit at the thought of recycled dishes. Ewww.
3 RT - Chief Mongress // Sep 1, 2007 at 6:26 pm

Wow, my immortal words are gone. My soul is crushed. How will I go on in this cruel, cruel world?
4 Skul // Sep 2, 2007 at 8:54 am

Think of all the money FIAR saved by eliminating all those prior tasteless comments.
What a crafty devil.
5 RT - Chief Mongress // Sep 2, 2007 at 2:17 pm

Well, he is always right.
6 Chris C. // Sep 2, 2007 at 11:53 pm

Completely offtopic…anyone do fantasy football?

One of my leagues is looking for a few good
owners, the draft is Tuesday and you can go here for the details if you are interested:

http://www.fantasyfootballcafe.....p?t=340907

Yes, this is me, not some spammer imitating me.

If it were a spammer, how would they know I will be guest blogging here soon? Oh, look at that, a little teaser as well….
7 Diesel // Sep 3, 2007 at 12:02 am

I’m already doing all this stuff. I mean, except for the working. Is that one important?
8 Fiar // Sep 5, 2007 at 10:13 am

Bob Thanks for the suggestion. I didn’t think of recycling food as well.

RT I’m sure that you will carry on somehow. Be a trooper.

Skul I’d like to take credit for being crafty, but it was really just a server issue. Out of my control.

Chris I look forward to your contributions here. I’m not into fantasy football, so I can’t help you there.

Diesel The constant working is key. You need to master working at all first, though.
9 Chris C. // Sep 5, 2007 at 1:18 pm

Yah, didn’t think I would get anyone for ff, but figured I’d ask anyways. Always more fun to play with people you know then strangers.
10 RT - Chief Mongress // Sep 5, 2007 at 7:01 pm

Did you say Trooper? MAIDEN!!!!!!!! ;P
11 Fiar // Sep 6, 2007 at 12:42 am

Die with your boots on, RT

Chris THAN strangers.
12 RT - Chief Mongress // Sep 6, 2007 at 6:00 pm

;P”””””’

My friends and I used to say that to each other back in the day.
13 Katie // Sep 8, 2007 at 1:49 pm

Yes, shower less often. Because if there’s anything better than being poor, it’s being poor and smelling like old french fries. promotion, anyone?
14 Fiar // Sep 10, 2007 at 10:21 am

Katie Do you mean to imply that’s a Bad Thing™?

I may have to reconsider.
15 How to Save Money: What Would Obama Do | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Jan 2, 2009 at 9:45 pm

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Political Humor | 12 Money Saving Tips