A Precision Guided Humor Assignment

The price of gas is going through the roof. What ever happened to our war for oil. I thought we were supposed to steal all the oil from Iraq when we invaded and took over. Fortunately I have double secret intelligence agents on the case. Here’s what they found out.

This represents a cross section of the earth taken by some super scientific device that YOU can’t afford.

That’s right. The Chi-Comms are sucking the well dry, right out from under our noses.

Here’s an interesting letter from Philadelphia Daily News (You might need a Bug Me Not Login) that I had saved as a draft, but forgot to get around to. 08/15/2005 | Letters | THE TERRORIST BUSH:

I AM sometime baffled and amazed at the lack of intellect displayed by some of the American people who back President Bush. In light of the recent bombings in London, I felt compelled to inject my ‘paranoid’ conspiracy theory of who is behind that attack and probably many others. As I ponder the wickedness of the Bush administration, I can’t help but see that just when his ratings are down, something terrible happens in the world that makes him look good. Is it a coincidence or perfect strategy by a ‘demon-cratic system of thought – a democratic system, governed by the devil himself.’

WOW! I’m almost convinced already! Starting out by insulting people’s intelligence is a great way to persuade people to your viewpoint. Please continue to inform me about this ‘demon-cratic system.’

Let’s just look at a two events that will change world history:

1.) When the election was stolen from Al Gore with the aide of Bush’s co-conspiring brother, Jed, more than half of the country was in an uproar. What happens? 9/11.

Dear President Bush: When did your brother change his name to ‘JED’? And wasn’t 9/11 nearly one entire year after the election. It seems like pretty bad timing for causing a distraction from the ‘Uproar’ caused by a ‘stolen’ election. Right, I forgot. Bush is stupid. That’s why the diversion was so poorly timed.

2.) When his ratings are falling because of his unjust war in Iraq, what happens? The bombings in London, conveniently while the eight richest nations are meeting to aid Africa, which they raped, robbed and plundered in the first place (That’s another story). In both cases, Bush comes out smelling like a rose. Each time Bush goes from weed to rose.

It never occurs to you that this ‘convenient’ timing might also be ‘convenient’ for the terrorists who planned the attack. By your standards of the President’s ‘falling’ ratings, it again seems like ridiculously slow timing. Oh, right. Commander in Chimp = Stupid. I forgot again.

Maybe I’m just a little ‘thrown off,’ but if I recall in each event dissident Muslims (al Qaeda were blamed) but they can’t find Osama bin Laden, their leader. We found Saddam Hussein in a hole; you mean to tell me they can’t find bin Laden in a cave? Oh, and don’t forget how conveniently a new bin Laden tape surfaces days prior to the recent presidential election and scared half the white people to death.

So it would seem that you’re admitting that the American people don’t trust the Democrats with national defense. Based on your opinion that the whole war on terror is a failure, and the fact that we haven’t caught bin-Laden yet, a bin-Laden tape surfacing just before the election should have HELPED the Democrats. They could have said, ‘See. There’s public enemy number one flaunting how poorly our War on Terror is being fought.’ The fact that it actually helped the President get re-elected flies directly in the face of your assertion that the WOT is not going well, and is a testament to the fact that America doesn’t trust people like you to protect the country.

When will people get it through their skulls that Bush is the most nefarious terrorist to walk the earth since the likes of Hitler, Khan and Ami”

Yet another convincing argument. Again with the intelligence insulting. The comparison between Bush and the fellows you mentioned. Where was the evidence of this again? It seems you’ve advanced nothing but idiotic conspiracy theories based on embarassingly weak circumstantial evidence, and then draw a conclusion based on – well… Not even that much. It makes me wonder why Bush and his supporters are the ones accused of being stupid. Clearly YOU are the one lacking any sense of reason, critical thinking, and logic. Have a nice day!

A 12 year study conducted by the Bureaucratic Institute of Government Academic Scientific Studies (BIGASS) Research Institute has finally come to its conclusion and the study has been released.

This extensive study was started in 1993 to determine whether pregnant women are pregnant with an unborn baby, or a fetus. This is one of the central points of contention between abortion advocates, and it’s opponents.

A press release for the National Abortion Rights Coalition (NARC) states that “A fetus is a parasitic hostile life-form, growing inside of a healthy female host. Who wouldn’t want to get rid of it?”

A spokesperson for a pro-life group asserts that it is in fact an unborn human child that grows within it’s mother, and that, “If given the chance it will grow into a healthy, beautiful baby. It’s wrong to kill an innocent child.”

Thanks to this new research, the debate around this issue can finally be resolved. It seems that some women, when they become pregnant, do in fact, have a parasitic, hostile fetus growing within their bodies. Other women, have unborn children developing inside their uterus.

Now, the whole argument has been simplified. It’s simply a matter of finding out which type of organism is growing inside, and then it can be determined whether to do away with the dangerous parasitic fetus, or allow the human child to develop.

Some critics are skeptical, claiming that, “Many women claim to have a fetus, when they really have a baby. It’s uncertain whether this determination is based on scientific study of the life-form, via ultrasound, and other scientific methods, or if it is simply the will of a woman not desiring to have a baby.”

Researchers involved in the study have assured us that there is a legitimate scientific difference between a baby and a fetus, and it is not based on the whims of a selfish mother to be.