Do you read Professor Bainbridge? I happened across this elitist asshat while surfing the web instead of working. Let me quote Bainbridge and let’s see if you can figure out why I’ve decided to hate him:

That’s not pop culture. That’s rural Southern culture. Nascar. The opiate of the good ol’ boy masses. Gary Cooper. A great movie, but hardly au courant. George Strait, gawd help us.

Between Clinton and Bush 43 we’ve been ruled by Southerners for the last 4 presidential terms and Barnett wants to foist yet another good ol’ boy on us. Not that there’s anything wrong with Southerners, per se, of course. But maybe it’s time to let a Yankee city boy have a chance?

This is his response to Dean Barnett wondering what a presidential candidate that is well versed in pop culture (cringe). Not that I particularly agree or disagree with Barnett’s premise, or his idea of pop culture. The Barnett quote he uses is this:

Now imagine what a candidate could get done if he achieved fluency in pop culture. Picture a candidate who could effortlessly segue from paying homage to Dale Earnhardt’s #3 to saying how much High Noon has always meant to him. Conjure up a contender who could unashamedly admit that if owning every George Strait record makes him a square, so be it, and then quickly pivot to the many times tears welled in his eyes when sports heroes like Curt Schilling or Willis Reed rose above pain to perform in an almost super-human fashion.

While I am certainly no fan of country music or ASSCAR, it makes me blind with rage when the elitist prof suggests that because these things are southern in origin that makes them less relevant. You know, because UCLA law professors make such great contributions to the world. What is it they give us? More liars lawyers. Great, just what we needed. More left coast, elitist, asshat lawyers.

That notwithstanding, I may have been able to give the pudgy dweeb a break, but this is what made the blood shoot out of my eyesockets:

In fact, as long as we’re on the subject of useless Presidential criteria, here’s some more things I’d like to see in the next President:

* Knows which wine to match with the foie gras-stuffed quail being served at a state dinner
* Won’t wink at the Queen
* Doesn’t hunt, fish, or go with girls who do
* Smokes cigars
* Is sometimes accused of having a metrosexual streak
* Only drinks beer with foods that would score at least 10,000 on the Scoville scale
* Can credibly debate the relative claims of The Matrix, Star Wars, Bladerunner, and Star Trek II to be the greatest science fiction movie of all time
* Can credibly debate the relative claims of The Who and Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band to be the world’s greatest rock and roll band
* Came from a state that didn’t secede
* Can recite at least one Monty Python skit from memory
* Can credibly debate the relative claims of Blazing Saddles, The Producers, and Young Frankenstein to be Mel Brook’s best movie, while explaining why Spaceballs is a candidate for the worst movie ever
* Has never sat through an entire Woody Allen movie, an entire Nascar race, or an entire Dixie Chicks concert
* Wouldn’t camp out 5 days to get Garth Brooks tickets even if s/he was camping at the time
* Went to Germany on vacation because s/he couldn’t find a highway with high enough speed limits in the US
* Prefers football to basketball to baseball to soccer
* Doesn’t play golf
* Doesn’t bowl
* Has no kids to foist subsequent generations of politicians on us
* Has a spouse with no political ambitions
* Lives with at least one golden retriever

Great, the prof is a wine-snob and a geek, and thinks our next president should be a pretentious douche just like him. We’ll do this his way, with the good ole unordered list:

• knowing what foie-gras isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but bragging that you know what it is and what wine goes with it makes you an asshole.
• I want a president that would not only wink at the queen, but would shun her sexual advances leaving her all hot bothered for the plane ride back. Sheesh, I’d feel sorry for whatever Royal Marine she uses as a boy-toy
• What’s wrong with hunting and fishing? Just because you’re a pussy doesn’t mean the president should be
• You want a president that smokes cigars? I thought pretentious west coast asshats like you were trying to ban smoking for our own good.
• A President with a metrosexual streak? Yeah, another Breck Girl. Great. Whoopee. A president that will blow off getting blown by an intern to watch Gray’s Anatomy.
• There are foods that score less than 10,000 SHU?
• Is it also required that they can name all the Uncanny X-Men, and speak in Klingon? Maybe they should sing a few Weird Al songs on the floor of the UN too. I guess next you’ll want a President that plays Magic: The Nerdening!
• Bruce Springstein is not Rock and Roll, and Elvis Presley is going to come out of the witness protection program to whoop your ass for even suggesting such blasphemy. May the Ghost of Darrell Abbott haunt you in your sleep for eternity, and Ronnie Van Zant’s ghost tea bag you for breakfast lunch and dinner for the rest of your life.
• And you yankee pukes claim the south needs to get over the War for Southern Independence
• Okay, I concede the Monty Python/Dixie Chicks/Woody Allen/ASSCAR/Garth Brooks thing
• Couldn’t find a high enough speed limit? Since when does a President give a flying fuck about speed limits? What? Is Smokey gonna write him a ticket?
• Can’t argue with the football thing either
• You want a president that doesn’t play golf, or bowl? How about we get one that likes to go antiquing, or scrapbooking? I know, maybe we’ll have a president that does Decoupage! Yay!
• Why do you hate The Cheeeeldren™ so?
• By the end of this list, I would have expected you to request a President that was a shut-in with a hundred and fifty cats.

See, slick, it’s pretentious asshats like you that keep the Confederate Battle Flags flying.

I’d settle for a President that isn’t a pretentious snob that looks down his nose at those that aren’t as effeminate as him. Hell, if you had your way, the President of the US would address foreign dignitaries with a laurel and hearty “live long and prosper”.

Not that there’s anything wrong with pretentious, elitist, asshats, per se…

Hey, if you want to read some lawyerly writing, check this out. Thanks KC!

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Humor-Blogs.com honors the memory of Darrell Abbott and KNOWS that Spaceballs kicked ass!

Faux Noise reports:

WASHINGTON — An accused enemy combatant held at Guantanamo Bay told a military hearing he was physically as well as mentally tortured there by having to read a newsletter full of ‘crap,’ being forced to use unscented deodorant and shampoo and having to play sports with a ball that would not bounce.

Majid Khan of Pakistan denied any connection to Al Qaeda and said he was tortured and his family hounded by U.S. authorities, according to a redacted transcript released Tuesday by the Pentagon.

In statements to reporters, Khan also reported being forced to use cheap toilet paper, wear eyeglasses that were the wrong prescription and having his beard shaved off twice. The beard shaving is considered “humiliating” to Muslims, as Islam commands adherents to commit murder, genocide, rape, stoning of rape victims, decapitation of non-believers, the death penalty for apostates, wife-beating, and not shaving your beard. So, understandably, this is a problem for Islamic terrorist, Majid Khan.

Khan denied he is a member of al-Qaida and rejected allegations that he plotted attacks in the U.S. and Pakistan with one of the group’s most dangerous operatives, 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. He also boasted of beachfront property he was looking to sell in Arizona.

Among other complaints of his brutal mistreatment, Khan complained that he only had the old Playstation 2 console available for gaming. The console was also hooked up to a “Tiny, difficult to see, 60 inch plasma display.”

“It made me want to burn down my cell. It made me so angry,” Khan said. “They didn’t even have a good selection of games to play on their inferior console.”

Humor-Blogs.com also denies a connection to al-Qaida

1:30 AM: I’m looking around and I don’t see anyone on this story yet. FIRST! (Just remember that) Scratch that. Jihad Watch.

*Sigh* It appears His Majesty is too busy to run this one through the Imperial shredder, as I had hoped.

It’s been a while since I updated my platform for being Cruel, deranged, bloodthirsty Despot of the Universe. I still promise to be completely psychotic, and I still guarantee that we will invade Canada to steal their oil. I don’t recall ever addressing the issue of taxes, however. As Cruel, deranged, bloodthirsty Despot of the Universe, I will restructure our tax policy so that the wealthy are exempt from taxes and the poor pay the majority of the tax burden.

“But FIAR! How can they pay taxes if they’re poor?” I know what you are thinking. Poor people need every penny that they have. They’re poor, after all, and just trying to make ends meet. The wealthy, on the other hand can spare a thousand dollars.. or a million. Whatever.

You only think this way because you’ve been conditioned to think of poor people as helpless, and in need of a helping hand. You need to realize that the current system rewards non-productivity, and punishes those who produce. This is set up this way just to create a dependency. It really is the goal of the tax system to punish achievement and reward victimhood.

Under my new system, if you don’t contribute to society, you pay society back with higher taxes. If you own a successful business, and employ thousands of people, you’ve already done more than your fair share. You produce a product or service that is wanted or needed, and employ thousands of people who need a job in the process of providing said product or service. Why would we, as a society, or government ask for more? Well, I won’t.

Let’s go back to our current policy of taxing the rich. If you know that putting forth greater effort will result in paying a penalty on your income tax filing, what will you do? You will decide to forgo the extra effort, unless you are odd and like being punished for achieving. Our tax policy is reducing our ability to create, invent, and be innovative, and efficient.

Additionally, we reward non-productivity. If you’re poor, you’re probably not contributing much. That’s why you’re poor. We reward this behavior. You don’t pay taxes. We provide you with housing, at the expense of those who do achieve something. Got kids? We’ll give you money to take care of them, and we’ll give you more money if you have more children. All at the expense of people who already contribute to the well being of society. All at the expense of those who contribute to the greater good by their mere existence.

By taxing the poor, we punish people for being unproductive, and we reward people who are productive with a tax exemption. “But the poor people can’t afford to pay the taxes.” So, make more money, then you will pay less in taxes and you’ll be able to afford the new tax rate, because it will be lower. We, as a society need to reward achievement, and I plan to do this by taxing the poor.

Does Humor-Blogs.com pay its fair share in taxes?