Diesel is one of the funniest humans on the face of the planet, which makes me question whether he is even an actual human being at all, but that’s not the point.

Chris C, who has been carrying the weight around here lately, interviews Diesel at Nothing to See Here. In the interview, Diesel talks about his book Antisocial Commentary (aff), which you should buy.

This got me thinking that I would like to publish my own book, I would write a book that was completely fictional, but claim it as a work of non-fiction. As a result, people would investigate, dig into my background, and find out that it’s not a work of non-fiction after all.

There would be all sorts of controversy around the whole thing. How the stories are completely fabricated, how I lied by calling it non-fiction. How I’m just like Jayson Blair with my made up stories that never happened. Then people would say, “How can you live with yourself?”

I would just laugh and smile and say, “Yeah. Look at all the free publicity I’m getting.”

Another possibility is that I could be like L. Ron Hubbard and start my own religion. Then I would ask people, “Did you pay any attention at all? Look the name of the main character. He’s named Norom, which is moron spelled backwards,” which, come to think of it, isn’t all too different from the Mormons and Joseph Smith’s account of an angel name Moroni, which is just Moron with an “I” at the at the end of it.

Then I would point out that his arch-nemesis is named Toidi, which is idiot spelled backwards. I would point out how ridiculous and implausible the story is, but all the members of my religion would just gasp, and say, “He has spoken the forbidden name of He who’s name cannot be spoken. Burn the Blasphemer!”

Within seconds I would be surrounded by an angry mob with pitchforks and torches. I would try to reason with them that it’s just a story, but people are stupid and irrational. The violent mob would cry for my blood to be spilled, threatening to erupt into a wanton riot. I would have no choice but to play along with the idea that I had created a religion. A superbly stupid one, but a religion none the less.

Then I would differentiate my pseudo-religion from other pseudo-religions by saying that you don’t get the 72 virgins if you blow yourself up and kill other innocent people in the name of Norom. You only get the 72 virgins if you strive to better yourself, and those around you. If you kill the innocent because they don’t follow Norom, then you get ass-raped for all eternity, by Toi… er, He who’s name cannot be spoken.

Most likely, it would be a sect of the Mormons, who added a gratuitous “m” to their name so they wouldn’t be the Morons. They would probably do something similar, and call themselves the Nortoms or something, even if they weren’t a sect of Mormons.

I would finish my speech by saying, “And Norom commanded, ‘Go forth and have many wives.’” Then the sub-retarded Nortoms would cheer, “All hail the glorious prophet. Long live the prophet.”

Stupid Nortoms. The book is fictional. I made it up.

Humor-Blogs.com will promote my stupid religion. I command it.

Dumpster Diving For the 21st Century

By Chris C

Oh my fucking God the moonbats have lost their freaking minds. Ozone depletion was interesting. I thought global warming was a good one. I laughed at the British proposal for a tax on cars that give off CO2. But this movement is by far the dumbest thing ever.

We begin with a day-in-the-life of a freegan:

“For lunch in her modest apartment, Madeline Nelson tossed a salad made with shaved carrots and lettuce she dug out of a Whole Foods dumpster. She flavored the dressing with miso powder she found in a trash bag on a curb in Chinatown. She baked bread made with yeast plucked from the garbage of a Middle Eastern grocery store.”

The potpourri of disease and food-borne illnesses await you oh freegans!

Instead of spending money on food that isn’t old or expired, a freegan picks their groceries out of the garbage. Right now you are probably sitting there thinking: “but Chris she is probably poor or something.”

“Nelson is a former corporate executive who can afford to dine at four-star restaurants. But she prefers turning garbage into gourmet meals without spending a cent.”

Yes, people with college educations are voluntarily eating out of garbage cans and dumpsters. Not only that but Maddie quit her six figure income position at Barnes and Noble and is living off her savings to do this. She is fifty-one. I can only hope she invested wisely. I sweat retirement and I still have time at thirty-eight.

She had forty work blouses and ate at four-star restaurants but the problem wasn’t her spending habits of course. It was an economic system which gave her the ability to have that savings thus giving her the freedom to eat garbage. I am not so sure this is what Jefferson envisioned.

Look I can understand working for a large corporation. It sucks donkey balls. But why didn’t she start her own publishing company and help new writers get noticed? There are so many talented people that never get a chance to get published but deserve to.

How the fuck does eating garbage seem like a better option as far as the betterment of society? It is because it is all about Madeline Nelson and her freegan, garbage-picking, dumpster-diving belief system. She could have done something to help a lot of people but she chose to be selfish.

She doesn’t even have the balls to live off the land and grow her own food. No, she mooches like a vagrant. Look at the happy group of vagabonds in that picture.

Mrs. Nelson also screws the economy. Her liberal spending probably helped a lot of people who needed the money more then her, like the busboy in those four-star restaurants. What about the legal immigrant family who owns a dry cleaning business and now has lost the business of the garbage-eater?

Of course you expect some sort of irony in all this and here it is:

“Though many of its pioneers are vegans, people who neither eat nor use any animal-based products, the concept has caught on with Nelson and other meat-eaters who do not want to depend on businesses that they believe waste resources, harm the environment or allow unfair labor practices.”

So, it is not okay to buy food from a supermarket, but it is alright to take old food that had to be paid for by someone else. I am assuming the reasoning is that they take the stuff from the dumpsters of the health food stores. I must be wrong thinking that these places buy their food. Maybe it is some kind of hippie consignment system, who the hell knows.

Hippie Store Owner: Hey man, like all the food got old so like I can’t pay for the stuff I was supposed to sell last week dude.

Hippie Farmer Dude: That’s ok man, the freegans will take it. Dude this system rocks! Long live Gaia!

It gets better. All these freegans live with a bunch of people, mostly family. Living on your own is not an option. How the hell can you when you don’t have a job and pick garbage cans for dinner. I can understand being in a household with a husband or wife and kids, but we are talking the relatives that visit, not the ones that move in. Pick garbage for meals and live with the mother-in-law? Where the hell do I sign up?

I tell you, it just gets wackier and wackier all the time with these moonbat nutjobs. Next thing you know these people will try and convince us that giving someone else money to plant a tree will reduce the sun’s energy output.

Oh wait, they already did. Anyone know where I can buy tree seeds? I got an idea for a little side-venture.

Source: LA Times

Chris C is a freelance writer and author of the blog Nothing to See Here.

Rumor has it that Diesel picked a few gems out of the trash at Humor-Blogs.com

Related: Nowhere, Idaho’s Mayoral Debate
Is the World Ending?
Anti-War Dementia Reaches Logical Conclusion

By Chris C

Here in the fine town of Nowhere, Idaho this is a big election year as we look forward to crowning a new mayor. Usually there is an incumbent and a challenger, but our former leader, Johnny Adolf, was recently killed in a bizarre accident involving Frosted Flakes™ and bananas.

The children made jokes, saying it was the work of a cereal killer.

We all laughed when they did because no one in Nowhere liked him anyways. He was a pathetic person. One time he punted a puppy. When we found his body, some of the residents began beating it with their shoes.

This year we have two challengers, Bob Johnson, a member of the ‘Liberating-Your- Money-From-Your-Wallet’ Party and Bill Lynch, from the ‘Bend-Over’ Party.

The election year is short here in Nowhere and the mayoral debate is one of the few times the entire town gets the opportunity to judge the candidates’ stand on the issues for themselves.

Like with most election seasons it gets down and dirty, and in this close-knit town the skeletons in the closet are well-known. The debates are always a mix of politics, Snaps, and Jerry Springer all rolled up into one. The host of the event was McLean Stevenson from the hit television sitcom ‘Hello Larry’.

Larry: What would you do if there was a terrorist attack in Nowhere?

Bob: Firstly, I would recommend all of us go to the bomb shelter under the town library.

Bill: I would also recommend we bring Bob’s wife with us in case we are in there for a few days.

Larry: How do you feel about illegal immigration?

Bob: I strongly feel that Bill may not be an immigrant, but most of his business ventures are rarely legal.

Bill: Good one Bob. So how many Chinese kids are locked up in the basement of your shoe factory?

Larry: What is your stance on abortion?

Bob: My opponent feels strongly in favor of them. He should, his niece has had twelve so far and she’s only sixteen.

Bill: Sadly, if abortion was legal forty-two years ago years ago, I may not have an opponent in this race.

Larry: What are your thoughts on Gay rights?

Bob: If my challenger wants to come out of the closet that is his right.

Bill: I didn’t sleep with every man, woman and sheep that moved in my college years, unlike you. Was there a species you didn’t have the hots for Bob?

Larry: What would you do to create jobs in the community?

Bob Johnson: Bill, you are so incompetent it is a wonder you remember to inhale regularly.

Bill Lynch: Well, at least I know better then to tap my toe twice in an airport bathroom Bob.

Larry: How would you stop global warming?

Bob: Ha! It was one tap sir. You, on the other hand – not the one that you were signaling someone in the next stall with – have breath that smells like hot garbage.

Bill: I am just glad my daughter hasn’t slept with half the football team. So Bob, has she made it to the jayvee guys yet?

Just as in past years, the debate was a rousing success and it really gave the citizens of this exemplary town a true gauge on where the candidates stand on the issues. It was another shining example of how political system still works in this country – especially in small communities like Nowhere, Idaho.

Chris C is a freelance writer with a cracked mind. The result is what you have just read. To read his other works of not-so-brilliant humor or find out more about his hometown, visit Nothing to See Here.

Humor-Blogs.com votes twice in every election.

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