(This is a rebuttal to FIAR’s recent diatribe: Why I Don’t Watch the News)

I feel it is in everyone’s best interest to watch the news and read about news in – well, um, newspapers. There is that internet thing too I guess. I heard they have it on computers now. That’s crazy talk. Technology is going way too fast for me these days.

But this isn’t about how important technology is to us. We need our news, however to make us feel human.

First off, we need to know all the ways we could die. Every day scientists fabricate results of telephone surveys about what people think they might die from. One day you’ll hear this on television:

‘Is your dog eating butter? You may think it’s perfectly harmless, but it might be giving Fido rabies! Find out why. Plus, tips on what to buy for that hard-to-please person on your Christmas gift list. All this and more, after the break’.

We need to know these facts, so we can dedicate our valuable time and energy to worrying about them. It also makes for great conversation at work. There is nothing like upbeat talk around the water cooler about rabid pets mauling people.

I don’t know if the disease is becoming an epidemic, but I saw ‘Cujo’ once, so I know what’s up. Worrying about stuff like this is important.

Being too informed is not a bad thing, because the news gives us too many facts already. I don’t know why there isn’t just one single news source; you don’t really need others. If it is on AP it must be true.

I don’t have time to read a lot of news. Thankfully the industry knows this. They fill their stories with every fact I need to know, and check them thoroughly. God bless them.

Best of all, the news makes all of us feel better about ourselves and our lives. That fire you watched on the 10’o clock news happened to someone else. Some guy went crazy and killed his neighbor. That dead neighbor wasn’t you. It is unfortunate all these messed-up things happen… To other people, but they also help put your life into perspective. Things aren’t so bad when you contrast your problems with the polished turd of a life that other people have.

The news is important because it makes us thankful we don’t live in Bangladesh. From what I read in the paper there was some kind of nuclear reactor fire, or government coup. Whatever. The important thing is that it didn’t happen to me.

Thanks AP! I feel better already.

Chris Cameron is not a rabid animal but he writes like one sometimes every Thursday. You can read his other works of oddness at Angry Seafood.

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Humor-blogs.com does not condone nor recommend anyone actually watching the news but they are funny.

Political humor and commentary

Aw, Damn! We got a lot of stupid people, doing a lot of stupid things, thinking a lot of stupid thoughts, and if you want to see one, just look in the mirror. ~ Suicidal Tendencies

People will argue about anything. You could go on a gardening site and find a flame war over whether or not to use the pesticides, or which brand of rototiller is the best. It’s ridiculous.

I found that no matter how much faith you have in humanity, there is always some cave-dwelling troll waiting to pounce and crush your faith with some idiotic drooling on his keyboard from his HQ in Mom’s basement.

It’s an inescapable fact Let’s call it Fiar’s First Corollary of the Universe™ Wherever you are, there’s a troll eagerly anticipating the opportunity to prove his stupidity.

It is said that arguing on the Internet is like the Special Olympics; even if you win you’re still retarded. In homage to that spirit, I used to have a feature called Sunday Shockwaves.

The idea is to have a fun argument about an objectively stupid topic. For example, we debated whether turtles are Nature’s speed bump, or soup that comes in its own bowl?

Basically, it’s a pretend flame war, which makes it all that much more absurd. Ironically, it’s ultimately no more idiotic than any of the real flame wars breaking out all over the internet everyday..

I’m proud to announce the return of this feature as the Flame War Parody. Starting on Sunday, of course.

Rules: Just to make sure all insults are in jest, and make sure you perceive them that way as well. Think of it this way: We’re all friends here, make sure you can craft your ridicule in such a manner that we’re all still friends when it’s over as well.

If you’re not clear on how to do that, stay out of it.

Footnote, the first Flame War Parody will be set to auto publish as I will be away all weekend in honor of my birthday. For all intents and purposes I will be away until Monday.

Subscribe to Radioactive Liberty via Email or via RSS to keep up with the Flame War Parodys.

Humor-Blogs.com members are invited to participate. Everyone else is invited too.

It’s got to be violent to make it a highlight
If we show it enough well everyone will think it’s alright
Disco’s out, murder’s in ~ Suicidal Tendencies

Do you watch the news? Why?

Every once in a while, I have the misfortune of seeing a bit of the “News.” Every time I do, I think, “It’s no wonder people think the world is coming to an end.” That’s what’s presented on the News.

It should be called the “Why everything sucks report.”

Tonight: Are you dead yet? Watch our special report and find out why you may die a violent, horrible death sooner than you think. Stay tuned for details.

But, I need to be informed.

Informed? Really? Is that what you think is happening when you watch a concentrated dose of murder, rape, arson, violent criminals on the loose, and various other reasons to live in fear?

Just how does being “informed” make you feel? Inspired? Motivated? Ready to take on the world? What? None of the above? How do you think it’s improving your life to see all the most terrible things about the world all in bite sized, easily digestible snippets?

Oh, that’s right, You’re “informed.” That’s some quality information you’ve got there. It’s really useful too. Just think about how many more things you can do now that you’re “informed.” You could:

• Spice up your marriage
• Make more money
• Get your master’s degree
• Be more organized
• Stick to that new exercise regimen
• Read faster

Wait, what’s that? The News isn’t informing you about those sorts of things? Maybe it’s time to reevaluate the benefits of being “informed” then.

Perhaps you’re better off spending that time doing something that, at the very least, puts you in a good mood. Even if it’s not helping you move towards your goals, at least it won’t be counterproductive to achieving them. Let’s face it, living in fear and dread is not a path to success.

I can see the world around me. I can drive down the street and see the destitute reality that exists in the slum there. I don’t need it thrown in my face to be aware of it. I would rather act personally to do something about it.

The world isn’t ending. It’s just that people are afraid to leave their homes and do something that will make a difference, because they’re “informed” that the world is a dangerous place, people=shit, and violent criminals lurk around every corner.

I don’t watch the news, and I am better off for it.