I am destined to be the Cruel, Deranged, Bloodthirsty, Despot of the Universe, so I have no need for things like campaign platforms and elections. However, since I will soon be 35 years of age, and a natural born American citizen, I’m actually eligible for the job.

I have just as much experience at being President as all the front runners, by which I mean none. As an added bonus, I’m probably only half as corrupt. Of course, I would still enthusiastically abuse any power given to me, but I don’t have the running start they do.

In the coming election, I plan to vote for myself, because no one can represent my views as well as I can. Let’s face the facts. I have a perfect record of agreeing with my political views. Any other candidate could only come close.

Obviously, I need to determine what my first act as President would be. If I’m going to vote for myself, I need to know what I stand for. I’m not going to vote for a candidate without being well informed on his agenda. It’s an essential step in voting with a clear conscience.

We need a better energy policy.

It occurred to me that we need a better energy policy. With our ability to drill for domestic oil being sabotaged by dirty hippie eco-commies, foreign oil being controlled by psychotic nutjobs, hysterical pseudo-scientific ravings about global warming, and an ever growing demand for energy in India and China, we really need to take control of our energy needs.

• We could use nuclear energy, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
• We could drill in ANWR, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
• We could invade other countries and steal their oil, but dirty hippies stand in the way.

It seems clear that every good solution to our energy problems has a common thread → Dirty hippies standing in the way of progress.

I was struck with an epiphany. All of our problems can be resolved by developing an alternative energy source out of dirty hippies. All living things contain carbon, and thus, the possibility of being transformed into an energy source.

The benefits of Hippie fuel.

In addition to providing the nation with it’s energy needs, using hippies as fuel also solves the problem of hippies standing in the way of progress.

• Every time a hippie protests our plans to invade a country of fanatical blood cultists, he gets turned into a few more gallons per mile for our citizens.
• Whenever someone attempts to advance Communism under the disguise of protecting our ecology, a recycling plant can continue to operate a little cheaper.
• Wherever global warming is mentioned, a poor person will keep a little warmer for the winter.
• Anytime a new nuclear facility is opposed, the city lights will stay on a little longer.

Hippies also seem to think that the Earth is overpopulated, and that humans are not part of the ecosystem, but rather, a deadly plague to our planet. It seems like they would be perfect volunteers to help solve both problems simultaneously, by agreeing to be ground into an oily paste.

I’ve even invented a great product name and catchy marketing slogan for my alternative hippie fuel. I figured out that hippies like soy, “Green” is the catch-all phrase of choice for their crypto-Communism, and I plan to turn them into oil.

I combined the words “soy, oil, and green.” I call it “Soylent Green.” I’ll have to look up and make sure the name isn’t already trademarked or something.

I know you’re already blown away by my awesome idea, but wait until you check out my marketing campaign.

Of the people, By the people, For the people. Soylent Green – It’s made of people!™

As genius as my idea is, I realized that it would take a bit of public support to get it passed into law. So I decided that instead of shooting for my revolutionary energy policy right off the bat, I would start by creating a new public holiday. Everyone would cheer, “Yay! Another day off with pay!” My popularity would shoot through the roof.

Then I would pass my hippie fuel bill. Then I would tax the poor.

What would you do as your first act as President?

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Humor-Blogs.com will vote for me. Their leader is named Diesel.

There is a lot of talk lately about Santa Claus’ girth setting a bad example for children. I don’t understand where the hell they got this concept that Saint Nick is some kind of icon for how we want to live. The guy shows up once a year with a bunch of presents, like a deadbeat dad trying to win his kid over with material items. He sneaks in the house like an ex with a restraining order. (“Shhh don’t tell Mommy I’m here, I’m supposed to stay 1000 yards away”)

I saw Daddy breaking court orders, underneath the mistletoe last night.

So maybe we need to look at Thanksgiving instead of my bad singing. Even though the holiday is pretty much forgotten and gets in the way of Christmas, it still is a custom rich in history and tradition. These are different times, so perhaps Thanksgiving needs a re-do.

‘Last Supper’

This will be the new name for the holiday because ‘Thanksgiving’ is too cheerful for an event marking the last time the natives held home field advantage. Like Jesus, the Indians’ days were numbered.

Disease-Infested Blankets

The first tradition of Thanksgiving Day is the high school football game. Usually it’s pretty cold and sometimes rainy or snowy. What better way to mess with the opposing team then by giving their fans blankets with smallpox in them? Much like the colonists did, you can use this tactic of conquering the Native Americans and apply it locally.

Kids/Indentured Servants Table

This is a new addition to that dreaded small table off to the side of the ‘main’ Thanksgiving Day dinner one: the servants. Unfortunately, only the kids grew up and graduated from the kid table. The indentured servant labor force morphed into straight-up slavery once Jamestown figured out which one was cheaper. Sorry indentured people.

It is time we re-thought our holidays before political incorrectness sets in and ruins our fine traditions. Maybe there is still time for Santa to shed some pounds for the good of us all.

Blankets anyone?

Chris Cameron’s oddness and gutter-humor can also be read at Angry Seafood. Click at your own peril. He also wishes you and yours a safe and healthy holiday.

Humor-blogs.com doesn’t push aside Thanksgiving for Christmas. Or Kwanzaa for that matter.

By Chris Cameron

Listen up all you 911 Truthers, the time has come to reveal who was really behind the conspiracy behind the horrific events of September 11, 2001.

It was not the government. Please, they run the IRS and the DMV. Giving someone a license is pretty basic and look how easily they screw that up. Professional mathematicians can’t understand the US Tax Code. The government excels only in incompetence.

It was not Al Qaeda. Well, maybe they were the ones that carried it out but they were hired hands. Who do you think bought them?

It was Disney. The super corporation that stands for shoving fun and Hannah Montana down our collective throats was behind it all. Speaking of Hannah Montana, when does she turn eighteen? I want to mark that day on my calendar so that I know when impure thoughts about her are legal to have running through my devious mind many would call a gutter.

Where the hell was I?

Ah yes, Disney was the mastermind behind 911.

You may ask “how can a nice friendly mouse kill thousands of people and basically ramp up the rise of radical Islam?” Or maybe “what the hell are you smoking?” To which I would reply, “Perfectly legal cigarettes.”

It all began in the late 90’s. Disney had it all. They were in all the malls in America. They had theme parks in California, Florida, and even France. The “I Surrender” ride was a big hit over there, but the rest of the park – not so much.

They had a vast library of films, mostly ones that followed the same plot line: parents get killed and the main character’s conflict directly relates to that past event. They started up their own cable channel and even had a sports team with a really stupid name, the Mighty Ducks.

But was this enough for Eisner? Apparently not, he wanted more, and in 2000 an evil plot was hatched. Bin Laden was already planning an attack on the United States but he was lacking in the business sense. His group wanted to blow up government buildings, but Osama knew there was something missing in the plan.

While on a tour of Euro Disney, Eisner reached out to Bin Laden and persuaded him to target the World Trade Center in order to topple an icon of financial and commercial success of the United States. He saw this as his opportunity for expansion of the Disney brand name, and a means to an end.

With the World Trade Center removed as that icon, there would need to be something to replace it that would be equal in symbolism. What better way to do this then with a Disney Theme Park right in Manhattan?

The dragging of the feet on the memorial is just Disney’s attorneys slowing down the process enough so that Eisner can buy the land and begin construction on Disney NYC.

Six years later the land where the World Trade Center stood remains undeveloped and Mickey Mouse is now being marketed to extreme Islam.

Coincidence? I think not!

Chris Cameron is a writer of odd and different humor. You can read more of his strangeness at Angry Seafood.

humor-blogs.com is not the group behind 911 but they are still on the hook for where socks go in the dryer.