The conclusion of Wars: The Dirty Little Secrets, a conservative politics series by Les James.

Act III: A Neat, Small Package

Previously on ‘Wars: The Dirty Little Secrets’

You’ll recall from the first act, that I had a childhood much the same as yours. Consistently being bombarded with doom and gloom, while no one was considerate enough to dropped leaflets first.

We then looked at the overall disaster of government policies designed to kill objects, conditions, and ‘isms’ in the second act. But sometimes things do need to get broken. That’s what our military is good at. It was never designed to play “All the Kings Horses and all the Kings Men”.

Military style wars are often good for an economy. Granted, maybe not this time. Winning a war against tyranny is generally good for the people. While waging “wars” against intangibles is a total waste of time, money, and worse, human life.

Little flowers growing in some backwards, third world countries are not sticking needles into American arms. Hate mongering rhetoric, preached in churches and mosques, doesn’t blow up children on busses. Gun manufactures didn’t put holes in the Kennedys.

Although, after the Kennedys were gone, they somehow did manage to get back together again to form an awesome punk band. California Uber Alles, Holiday in Cambodia, how could you not just love that?

Hate crimes? What if I just don’t like you? I didn’t really have a place for this, so I kind of just threw it in.

If we don’t start seeing the root cause of the problem, i.e. identifying the source, we’re screwed as a nation. Sorry, almost forgot to tell some of you what the problem is. It’s people! Not things! A few of you really surprise me.

Pull Out?

In case you’ve been peaking, yes the final chapter is a little shorter than your use to from me. But I’ve been reassured that it’s the not the word count that matters, it’s how you use them.

Real men don’t pull out before the job is done. Real women don’t favor pulling out either. They know what they desire to accomplish. They get the resources up and ready and then relentlessly push toward achieving that climatic outcome.

Even when it seems to be spontaneous, the main objective is still to see it through to its messy conclusion. It’s about doing what’s necessary, being committed to that cause and not stopping until the objective is satisfied. It’s the American way.

What do I mean by “real”? Well, it’s what us right thinking (real) folk contemplate when we view the left thinking ones, and slowly shake our heads, muttering “Unreal” or sometimes, “Surreal”. This is usually followed by something like, “What a bunch of morons. I’m glad I’ve got more sense then that.”

The “Unreal” don’t like commitments. They don’t like absolutes. They want the freedom to alter their minds or rules to whichever way the wind is blowing. They won’t be tied to bedpost of stogy old ideas like, virtue, morality, honor or integrity. Despite their orgies of strange political bedfellows, and constantly changing their positions, I’ve yet to see them satisfied.

This explains the weaker sect’s desire to not see any “war” through. They can’t. That wouldn’t be consistent with their inconsistencies. They’re continuously prepped and ready to abort anything that’s unwanted or inconvenient before the results begin to show. That’s right, cut and run. Please don’t make me draw you a picture.

In Memoriam

Have we learned nothing? I believe that’s exactly what we’ve learned. Here are a few good examples of precisely what a large shot of ‘nothing learned’ we have to swallow from time to time. Better get a big glass of water ready. We may need it soon.

Remember the Alamo. Remember the Maine. Remember Pearl Harbor. Remember the Pueblo. Remember 911. It’s all about remembering with us. It’s all after the fact, post coitus.

Can’t we do anything contraceptive? Of course not, that’s not what the UN wants. That smacks of taking matters in to our own hands, you dolt. I’m afraid we’ll just have wait until we’re violated. Then we’ll sit down and discuss -with other nations- what our options are in apologizing for what we did to make them force themselves upon us.

It’s kind of like a recent news blurb that said that we promised not to use our proposed eastern European missile defense shield against Russian. I guess if they fire a series of missiles at us or our NATO allies, we need to allow them to land and then negotiate surrender, right after we say we’re sorry. Seems fair.

Internal “war”, external war, it doesn’t seem to matter. We don’t seem to have the stamina to keep one up for very long. What ever happen to, not starting something that you won’t finish?

Let My People Vote

As for our current affairs, November will be very telling. The Conservative, ah, I mean Middle-of-the-Road, Reach-Across-the-Aisle Republican candidate, John McCain, wants a slow, favorable withdrawal from Iraq. While both of the Liberal-Socialist, Laugh-at-the-Other-Side-of-the-Aisle Democrat candidates just want to jerk ‘em out. No matter what their mouths are saying today. Unreal.

Still, I’m afraid that is going to make little difference as to which party ends up in the White House next year, because either way, we’re going to collectively find ourselves bent over the pork barrel. Again.

Image stolen from Zombietime.com Hall of Shame Humor-Blogs.com also has strange bedfellows.

A continuing conservative politics series by Les James.

Wars: The Dirty Little Secrets

Act II: You Can’t Lose a War You Quit

Today I’ll attempt to paint a simple picture of America’s fascination with war, using a few of its myriad forms as examples. Of course, no image of this nature could be properly painted without first preparing the canvas with my own brand of primer.

Some years ago, I developed my 1st Law of Military Motion. Since that time I’ve opened up that franchise to include just about everybody. It goes like this: For every action, there is an opposite over-reaction. Unfortunately, it’s a Law we’ll probably never get repealed.

Having been brainwashed as a warrior –there may have been a little shrinkage- I have a better than average view of what a war is and what a war isn’t. With that in mind, let’s take a look at some of our recent “war” efforts and gage it against our government’s actions and reactions, shall we? This should be amusing.

The War on Drugs

What a Cluster! You can’t declare war on an object! Because that would mean that you’d have to kill drugs. Since it’s so hard to tap drugs once in the head and twice in the chest, we wisely decided instead, to send the DEA to Columbia, and other countries, to kill people associated with drugs. Good move, going after the supply, instead of the demand. I give it two thumbs up. You can decide where.

Drug cartels are very exclusive and difficult clubs to get in to, but having attended the Defense Language Institute with some of these DEA guys, I can tell you that besides being certifiable, they’re doggedly determined to make it past the velvet ropes and bouncers.

Despite the heroic and valiant efforts of our brave men and women in law enforcement, our seeming unwillingness to prosecute those who violate our laws, coupled with our porous borders, make this war an almost futile endeavor. It’s unwinnable, it’s costing too many lives and too much money. Thanks for all of your sacrifices guys, we support you, but maybe we should pull out now.

The War on Poverty

Here we go again. In this case we have to try to kill poverty. While we can see its effects, we just can’t seem to track it down. Maybe it’s hiding in a cave with Bin Laden?

Unlike the War on Drugs, for some reason we can’t send in Special Ops to kill people associated with poverty. So instead we send in social workers with bags of money to buy them off.

If you listen carefully, sometimes you can still hear the muted cries from certain concerned advocacy groups, but for the most part our leaders are silent on this subject. Why? Because they realized a long time ago that it was unwinnable, yet we still throw tons of devalued dollars at it each year.

This is a social cause and it soothes the bleeding heart. Besides it’s only the taxpayers’ money that’s being spent. There’s always more where that came from.

We’re not about to pull out on this one right now because it feels too good. Just wait though; sooner of later we’ll get tired of poverty too. Then we’ll discard yet another paramour on to the heap of stained blue dresses. That reference never gets old!

The War on Hand Guns

How would that even work? First off, our opposition doesn’t even like guns, so they wouldn’t use them. They’re frightened of guns. Reason: guns represent a fast paced, unswerving force that once unleashed can’t be bargained with. No amount of negation or even surrender will change the mind of a bullet, once it’s set on course. Remember, guns don’t kill people, bullets do.

Even that isn’t completely true. A bullet causes damage after it leaves the chamber of the gun, which was fired by a human possessing free will and desire. Once again, we’re going after the wrong thing. Still. First we have to start with handguns and then as hunting decreases, we expand the range to include all weapons.

So, how do we win this “war”? By the use of Activist Judges undermining the 2nd Amendment to ensure that only the government and criminals have firearms, that’s how. But I’m preaching to the choir. Wait a second, did I say government and criminals, shouldn’t that have been…

The War on Child Pornography

I’m disgusted by the very thought of this abomination. Anyone who would participate in this atrocious act should be publicly and slowly skinned alive, on nation-wide TV, while having salt poured over them. Anyone convicted of viewing child porn should be staked out on the floor of Death Valley, in the summer, and have their eyes eaten out by buzzards and ants.

Sorry to be so vague and tiptoeing around the subject but I think you can still get an idea of how strongly I feel about this topic. To make matters even worse, the ACLU fights for these vile monsters! I won’t describe what I think should happen to that bunch. It might be a little over the top.

How do we kill this horror? How do we stop it? Well, we use the same model that’s been so wildly successful in our other campaigns. This time we go after the Internet. Yeah, that’s the ticket. It’s all the Internet’s fault.

By the way, has anyone spoken to Al Gore about this? After all, he claims that it’s his baby, the one that he birthed, that we’re gunning for. Does anyone know who the father was?

The War on Terrorism

Finally a real war… sort of. Not that the War on Drugs isn’t real, unfortunately it’s more of a police action. But once again we’ve tried to acquire the wrong target. Just like racism and sexism, you can’t kill terrorism.

I’ve looked down the barrel of many a fine weapon but I’ve never been able to sight in on an “ism”. Sorry Mr. President, can’t do it. An “ism” is a belief. You can’t wipeout a belief. You can change the minds of those who support it or you kill ‘em. That’s the only two ways we can minimize one of these nasty little critters. Praise the Lord and pass the ammo.

What we can do though is get racists, sexists and terrorists in our crosshairs. Fortunately, we can only pull the trigger on the last one. I say fortunate, because you well know what the other side thinks of us.

Kill the terrorists and those who support them. And remember that just like in banking, there are severe penalties for early withdrawal. That’s the way to win this war.

Except that once again, it’s the same old same old. While the War on Terrorism is still far more popular than Congress (maybe we need to consider a withdrawal there too), it’s unwinnable, it’s costing too many lives and too much money. Thanks for your sacrifices guys. We support you. But yeah, that’s right, we gotta consider pulling out.

A parting thought for those of you that believe that all war is wrong. Shouldn’t you be picketing the intercity slums, gang bangers and the anti-guns lobbies too? Just a little something to mull over should you ever come down from what ever your on.

Humor-Blogs.com is on drugs.

In honor of Memorial Day, we bring you this conservative politics series by our token veteran, Les James. It’s a 3 part series that will run Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Thanks to all veterans for their service.

Act 1: The Formative Years

School Daze

For me, it all started early in life with the Trilateral Commission, Viet Nam, the U.N. and Commies.

Fear of vast shadow government conspiracies and nightly news body counts, coupled with duck and cover drills -which meant crawling under our desks in case of a Russian nuclear attack- filled my elementary school brain with thoughts of certain death, one world governments or having to wear Chairman Mao’s trendy Red Star fashions.

Growing up in Southern California, we also had earthquakes to contend with. Row upon row of un-tempered school glass, letting the sunlight into those halls of learning, were just biding their time. Patiently waiting to rain down their machete-like shards. Transforming the classroom into an abattoir (pardon my French), a slaughterhouse for our tender flesh. Again, their answer was to dive under our desks.

I’m not sure how long I could’ve held my breath, under that desk, as California slid into the Pacific Ocean.

Can you even imagine what a school desk would look like today that was government approved for flying glass, submarine operations and radioactive fallout? Forget about those $2000 toilet seats and $500 hammers.

I wonder if Gov. Schwarzenegger (R?) CA. is even aware of this potential disaster. One well place phone call and we could financially finish off the state. You know they’d have to fund it. It’s for the children. But then the illegals would just move somewhere else and probably not back home.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, me growing up. I knew it was something important. So, let’s get back to this riveting narrative.

Then there were the Hessians, the chief rival to the Hell’s Angles. They were living in our little piece of paradise. These guys were just a couple of blocks away. Any moment they could have gone into a booze and drug crazed frenzy and laid waste to the area before the police could have even arrived.

All in all, I had a most enjoyable and idyllic childhood.

You’re in the Army Now

Add to all of the above, the twenty mind warping, soul stealing, spirit crushing, hippie hating, and baby-killing years I spent in the U.S. Army. Is it any wonder that I ended up the way I did?

Kick volition and freedom of choice to the curb. It’s not my fault. I’m a product of my environment, an environment that someone created, and as soon as I figure out who’s to blame, I’m suing. It’s my right. In the Constitution, it falls under the pursuit of happiness and I’m willing to take a chance that money can’t buy it.

Hang on, back up to the beginning of this section. I’m having another one of those whatcha call it, ah, rhetorical question moments. So I ask you -well, not really- why are our soldiers labeled as baby killers by the very ones who demand the right to abortions? Things that make you go, hummmm. Enough of this, back to the story.

Ranking high amongst the choice assignments I had in the early 80s, was the one defending the West German border against an estimated 5000 Russian tanks waiting on the other side of the Fulda Gap.

Our cushy job was to take 80% causalities within the first two hours, by providing a speed bump for Ivan and his band of merry men, while on their way to Frankfurt. Rumor had it, they’d heard the beer was much better there. Plus, most of the women bathed and actually shaved their legs and armpits. Oh, and their upper lips. There was also something about Hershey bars and silk stocking that I never fully understood.

Mean while back at the ranch, a splinter group of the Italian terrorist front, the Red Brigade, known as the Baader Meinhof Gang -along with other concerned, peace loving citizens- were busy blowing-up my fellow soldiers in their cars or leaving them laying, half beat to death, in roadside ditches.

I walked by two bombs on post -that were fortunately discovered in time- and witnessed the Officer’s Club being ripped apart late one evening by a third. Either by shear luck or divine providence, the club had run out of beer and closed early that night, so no one was hurt. Ran out of beer in Germany? What are the odds?

A friend of mine got to wipe what was left of his German girlfriend off of him one night, when someone thought it would be funny to gut a Berlin nightclub. Oh, those goofy Marxist jokesters.

This brand of slapstick, pratfall, physical humor had been going on for years. So if you believe that this all started with George Bush, think again or maybe just…think. These 3 Stooges copycat antics continued uncheck, and mostly out of the US press, until one group took their vaudeville show on the road. They opened for our Marines in Beirut, and yes, I am saying that they had the same booking agent.

Aside from their obvious ties with the USSR, the PLO was training many of these stand-up terrorists troupes in North Africa. The Sultan of Comedy himself, Uncle Yassar was hosting this laugh fest. That checkered tablecloth on his head always killed me.

Anyway. A big chunk of the funding came from heroin sales. I can only assume that some of the Poppies were grown in Afghanistan. That’s right, Junkies for Jihad. Stick that in your Prius tailpipes and smoke it, all of you sniveling, hybrid driving, whinny voiced “SUV’s support terrorism” nut jobs.

So here we had two “wars” going at the same time in the same theater. The Cold War was rather in-your-face and hard to ignore. Regan kind of saw to that. At the same time and in the same place we were being attacked by Middle Eastern trained, Communist backed, home grown terrorists. We didn’t even know we were in that war.

What did we do about the injuries and deaths of my friends and fellow servicemen and women? Nothing! Well, that’s not entirely true, we decided it was a criminal issue, best left to the police and lawyers. Once you get civilian lawyers involved in military matters…

Someday I’ll tell you about the warm receptions I’d sometimes get on school campuses as a recruiter. I’ve got a couple of really funny stories.

But now it’s over. I’m very glad that the world has been so dramatically changed, that our kids won’t have to face similar times. It does my heart good, to know that’s its all in the past.

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