It’s Sunday, so it must be time for another argument where we each choose an unjustifiably stupid position, and defend it with an incomprehensible degree of fervor. That’s the way the weekly flame war parody works, if you happen to be new here, or perhaps this is your first time clicking through from Humor-Blogs.com.

This weeks topic:

Which is nuttier: An Almond Joy or Ron Paul?

Discuss.

John McCain recently gave Barack Obama a new political nickname: ‘Dr. No‘. Nobody ever accused the Republican candidate of being up-to-date on the pop culture scene that’s for sure, especially when he references a movie older then most voters in 2008.

But there is a bigger question: do we really need any more nicknames?

It seems like everywhere you turn there is a new one for a Presidential candidate. You can’t swing a dead cat without seeing or hearing someone’s novel take on a politician’s moniker.

Of course it would help if the nickname was funny. Of course most of them are not.

‘BhNobama’

See what I mean? That nickname has the wittiness of a Craig Ferguson monologue.

‘McLame’

Come on people. That one absolutely sucks. What’s next, ‘Luddite’? Oh wait, they used that one too

First off, a politician’s nickname needs to be relevant but not too over the top. Take for example the mayor of Boston, Thomas Menino, a.k.a. ‘Mumbles’. He isn’t that great with his speech and pronunciation, once called a Jumbotron a ‘jumbletron’. Clearly, he puts the em-PHA-ses on the wrong syl-LA-ble.

There is also Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig, Ted ‘Chappaquiddick‘ Kennedy, and Eliot ‘Black Socks’ Spitzer.

‘Obamessiah’

Now there is a nickname that has a nice ring to it while also mocking the fact everyone thinks he’s a political savior.

Another important component of a nickname is quantity. Like when Ross Perot split the Republican vote in 1992, having a lot of nicknames confuses people resulting in none of them really sticking. Menino isn’t called ‘Marblemouth’ or ‘Flappytongue’ or ‘No speakino’, just ‘Mumbles’.

There are so many nicknames for McCain it isn’t even funny. There’s ‘Full Metal McCain’, ‘McInsane’, ‘John McPain’, ‘McWar’, ‘McAncient’ and that’s just part of the list.

It is so out of hand that the left is actually discussing the problem and trying to agree on one common nickname for McCain on internet forums. Judging by some of the replies, as well as last week’s column has me seriously wondering if liberals are really adult children.

Some of the nickname suggestions were ‘Boo Boo’, ‘Bamm Bamm’, ‘Mr. Magoo’, and ‘Elmer Fudd’. I’m not making this stuff up.

Of course, being a liberal forum, there was the inevitable reply that denigrating names like the ones above are ‘childish and tiresome, and sometimes downright disgusting, regardless who the candidate is’.

Unlike the nicknames I found that reply to be funny. Mr. Magoo can be pretty offensive after all.

Chris ‘Knuckles’ Cameron’s political humor column appears here magically every Thursday unless the check to Fiar a.k.a. ‘Trouser Snake’ doesn’t clear in time. He also has his own blog of odd humor at Angry Seafood.

Humor-blogs.com’s political nickname is Sue.

The Big

I’ve been thinking about how easy it is to criticize large companies like Exxon because they make so much money.

After all, they’re a big, uncaring behemoth, chaired by a board of directors, made-up of uber-rich white males, who light their hand rolled Cuban cigars with miniature oil rigs and are chauffeured around by stereotypical black men in uniforms.  They drive them to their lavish mansions which are staffed by underpaid, economic refugees from Latin American countries.

At least that’s what I’ve heard. Besides, Exxon destroyed much of Alaska a few years ago. Didn’t they?

The real reason? There’s oil in them there whales!

I’ve climbed Denali twice and many other peaks in that once pristine state. As an eyewitness to the aftermath of that devastation, I can personally tell you, that there’s not a single polar bear, killer whale, salmon, seal, or furry, little (sniff) sea otter to be found on top of any of them

Gone. Wiped out. Maybe extinct, for all I know. Killed off by a careless, drunken, corporate tanker captain, who’d been in Exxon’s pocket and on their payroll for years.

Yeah, corporate America is an easy target. Taking potshots at them is like shooting at the broad side of Michael Moore with a scattergun. Oops, how dumb of me…he’s all broad side.

Can you imagine the bidding war on Ebay for a chance like that?

The Bad

But I don’t feel like taking the cheap shot or the easy way out. So, instead we’re going to explore a far more ominous, a far more devious, a way more sinister menace than Big Business.

Today we look at, (crescendo orchestration please) MA AND PA STORES!

It seems to me, that since small businesses constitute the majority of all businesses in the good old US of A and since they employ more people than big businesses, then they must play a vital role in our economy. That’s a reasonable assumption, don’t you think?

The government and the media focuses almost exclusively on the large corporations. They aren’t seeing the bigger picture. What this means is, there are a lot of people with a lot of money out there, that are staying off of the radars. If only a small percentage, kind of bend the tax rules, then there are bushels of cash not in the very capable hands of our beloved bureaucratic agencies. It’s not nice to fool Nanny Sam.

So, then it just naturally follows that the government needs to start paying a lot more attention to these underhanded citizen’s activities. Come on, they’ve got to. They’ve no idea what they’re really up to and are probably missing out on a pile of loot. But this is just the tip of the global warming (sorry, Climate Change) induced, shrinking iceberg. There is a much bigger problem.

And the Ugly

The issue is one of gouging. Big oil -since we started with Exxon, we might as well stay with them- as an example, gouges the consumer by taking about 28 cents of every four dollar plus gallon of gas. That’s right, every single gallon. While the local, State, and Federal governments, as an average, only receives a measly, a paltry, a pittance at 46 cents a gallon. California feels it’s entitled to a bit more, and rightfully so. Combined they get about 65 cents per gallon.

The independent gas station owners get about 6 cents a gallon, those awful bastards. Then they pay out franchise fees, payroll and various other expenses, and of course, taxes on that. Now, Exxon is going to sell off all of their 2200 stations, that they own, because they say that there’s not enough profit in them.

It’s taxes that keep American businesses strong

Exxon has no right to complain. Look at the billions they make in profits. So it’s perfectly reasonable to mandate them to pay taxes on all of it. Somewhere about $20 billion a quarter sounds about right, if you count in the federal excise tax they collect. This on top of the 46 to 65 cents a gallon we pay.

Where does the rest of the about three dollars plus a gallon go? It’s called overhead and avarice, demand and voracity, and maybe, hedge fund speculators (like the hedge fund that cute, little Clinton girl works for) and excess.  Oh, and healthy dose of greed all around. But that’s the simple answer and something I want to explore further at another time.

Import taxes, excise taxes, sales taxes, income taxes, etc, etc, and etc, end up tacking on a chunk to every thing we buy. It’s only fair. A large portion of that money goes to worthwhile social programs that benefit each and every one of us -unless you’re actually paying those taxes. And we all know that our world would be bleaker, crueler place without those feel-good programs.

Then there’s the oft proposed “Windfall Profits Tax”.  I would propose that one could argue that the oil companies did earn this money, it didn’t just fall into their laps unexpectedly.  It’s a “Windfall” only to Congress, because they certainly didn’t earn it.

Now the president, finally, has stood in the Rose Garden and all but demanded that Congress allow drilling off-shore and in ANWR.  He made it clear that we need to start producing fuel from the massive shale oil deposits we have and to increase refineries. 

John McCain seems to agree, but Obama thinks this is just another attempt to use the failed policies of the past.  Huh? What does that mean?

“Excuse me.”

Then there is…

“Excuse me!”

“Oh, sorry, yes. What do you want?”

“Off on yet another tangent again I see, Mr. James.”

I’m sorry, Fiar. It’s just that I’ve just got so much in my head trying to get out. I’m kind of afraid about it though. What’s going to happen when everything in there is gone, when my head’s empty? Am I going to suddenly find myself with a ponytail, carrying a hemp man purse?  Will I attend peace rallies with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins and vote for someone like Dennis Kucinich? It’s scary.”

“Stop being such a pussy. You sound like you’re about to cry like a woman. Just look at the world around us. Read the Times, any of them, or just listen to the nightly news. There’s enough stupidity in the world to choke Godzilla. There’ll be so much crap flowing into your head every day. You couldn’t run out of material if you tried.”

“Yeah, you’re right, as always.”

“Of course I am.”

“OK, then. I’m fine now, thank you. So I’ll get back on topic and we’ll look at an example of the extent of the gouging problem.”

“If you value your life you will.”

It’s two-thirty in the morning, you’ve got the munchies, and the only thing open is a Quickie Mart. Just go ahead and get the bone saw out of your trunk. This after midnight craving is going to cost you. Cost you… you know… an arm and a leg, get it? The bone saw… cutting off…

It’s just not as funny when you’ve got to explain a joke.  

“I’m trying to say on subject. Really, I am.”

“There is no try. Only do.”

Anyway. Have you ever really stopped to think about just how much profit these Ma and Pa outlaws must be making on a six pack of soda, or one of those all but inedible, plastic wrapped sandwiches? And what about the candy bars you can buy in chain stores compared to the price in convenience stores? Not to mention what kids have to pay for cigarettes and beer in a place like that. Now that’s gouging.

Hang ‘em High

Don’t go trying to tell me about volume purchases or major stores’ private label pricing; my wallet doesn’t want to hear it. The government needs to get involved and do something about it now! It’s hurting the little guy. With the economy circling the toilet and prices on everything skyrocketing, they need to act fast.

It’s a problem of access to lower prices. The poor can’t get in to Costco. That’s the exclusive domain for those middle class and higher folks. Besides, how many cases could you possibly load up on a shopping cart, that’s already carrying all of you worldly possessions?

The poor are forced to shop in the unscrupulous Ma and Pa owned convenience stores, or Walmart.

But what if their town banned Walmart or no bus service runs near enough to one of that mega-chain’s stores, or if they live too far away? Now what?

I’m glad you asked. For I have a solution.

Support your local fair price merchant

The Solution

First: Force every small mini-mart to match pricing with Walmart. Smart, huh?

Second: If they fail to do this, tax them the equivalent of the difference between their price and Walmart’s. Then set up a program that gives back to these good hearted, underprivileged people. Help to alleviate some of the pain that has been inflicted upon them by these uncaring, evildoers. Let’s get some more Big Oil’s profits too and slather them on top of this tax. That’ll act as the soothing balm over this wound.

Then administer it as proficiently as any other sin tax. This will probably require another large, well funded, over reaching government agency, or two, or three, but that’s all right. Remember that it’s going to help the poor and needy. Besides, it’ll make you feel better.

But mostly, it’s for the children.