You might think that beating hippies is fun, safe, family friendly entertainment.

You are wrong.

I’m not denying that it is fun, especially for the kids. Kids just love beating dirty hippies. No. The fact is that it can be very unsafe.

Let’s say you were about the town and saw a dirty hippie chick. Now, you might be thinking, “Except for the armpit hair, hippie stink, lack of brain functioning, and Che Guevara T-shirt, she’s almost semi-good looking.”

Now, you’re not going to just dunk your junk without taking any precautionary measures. You don’t want to see your equipment shriveled up like a poorly rolled joint, or Ron Paul‘s poll numbers. Of course not.

First you will take her on a romantic trip to the lake. You’ll say, “Let me put some sunscreen on for you,” But instead of sunscreen, it will be soap that you are lathering all over her body. Now, shove her in the water, and it’s guaranteed to be at least 12% as effective as actual showering.

After that, you’re still going to want to use some sort of prophylactic protection to prevent the passage of pathogens. You never know what sort of diseases a hippie could be carrying. There are so many to choose from. Tuberculosis, Hepatitis, Syphillis.

Let’s not forget the worst of them all, Terrorist Sympathy. Symptoms include parroting terrorist talking points, and extending Constitutional rights to terrorists.

You will want to steer clear of these sorts of infections. And that is why precautions should also be taken when it comes to beating hippies. You see, hippies are a subspecies of the lower primates. This means that they are warm-blooded mammals. As such, when you beat a hippie severly enough, there will be blood.

Blood can transmit disease. Do you see where this is going?

What you can do to protect yourself

7. Wear a poncho. You need to be aware of the possibility of blow back. This occurs when you beat the hippie, and their blood sprays back on you.

6. Safety goggles are a must. You don’t want any bodily fluids, or tofu getting in your eyes. Hippies will also sometimes scratch at your eyes. You only get one set of eyes, so please protect them.

5. Gloves and boots. The more you can be sure to cover all exposed areas, the safer you hippie beating fun will be.

4. Grapefruit in a 100% cotton towel. While this method may cause internal injuries, it shouldn’t cause external bleeding. Plus the hippies like it because it’s a totally vegan and eco-friendly method of being beaten.

3. Shower immediately and thoroughly to wash off all potential pathogens. I failed to do this one time, and it took several rounds of antibiotics to clear that mess up. Don’t make the mistake that I did.

In the event that a thorough shower is not immediately available, you should come prepared with a minimum of one gallon of hand sanitizer per family member. Use all over the body, except sensitive regions. Clean them ASAP with soap and water.

2. Bring a friend. Just like with swimming, always follow the buddy system.

1. Lift from the legs. This is just a basic back safety tip. Never lift and twist.

You will also want to check your local, state, and federal regulations, perhaps consulting with the chief of police. It seems that many lawmakers are metrosexual, girly sissies, and may have passed anti-hippie beating legislation under the guise of “assault” and/or “battery.” We’re looking for family friendly fun, not family felony fun.

What are your tips for safe hippie beating?

Humor-Blogs.com understands that this is satire, and in no way endorses actual violence. No hippies were harmed in the writing of this satire.

Image Credit: Dirty Hippie Chick in the Wild Wearing Che T-Shirt, by Fiar.

We all know that Bacon® is better than tofu. There is no need to debate this issue. It’s clear cut. There really is no comparison.

However, this has somehow managed to be a popular argument on Sqidoo.

I find it appalling that anyone would be on the side of tofu. Considering the fact that tofu turns you into a terrorist hugging, effeminate, wienie, I would like to see someone justify even the mere existence of tofu.

I am not at all optimistic that anyone will rise to the challenge this week. Perhaps there is someone from who will champion the cause of tofu, but I expect that it is unlikely. The victory in favor of Bacon® is too clear cut. But that is this week’s topic:

Justify the existence of tofu.

Discuss

If Barack Obama gets elected to the White House, future national insecurity advisor Richard Danzig would like all of us to know, as Americans we will be as safe as little children tucked into our beds while our mommie or daddy reads us a story.

“Winnie the Pooh seems to me to be a fundamental text on national security.”

After mentioning the classic children’s novel at a conference on national security recently, Danzig went on to read a paragraph of the book detailing how one of the bears falls down the stairs but never seems to want to change. I think the theme there was change. If bears can do it so can we.

But it is also a story about a bear, who because of an addiction to a natural resource ends up sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong resulting in all his friends being dragged into his problems.

Feel safe yet?

Granted the allegory is fitting, but it is still a children’s book for crying out loud. This is our leaders’ way of making us feel secure, by quoting kid’s books about stuffed animals that are alive in someone’s imagination?

However, maybe Richard or Dick if I may be so bold and I will, is onto something here. We have listened to adults long enough and look where that has gotten us. Hell, it seems like everything to do with politics lately are fairy tales of make-believe and magical creatures like global warming boogeymen.

Maybe it is time we paid attention to the wisdom in the books geared for children.

To help convince the naysayers that global warming is not real we should have policy based on Heinrich Hoffmann’s fairy tale ‘Pauline and the Matches’.

See how CO2-induced climate change has created drought conditions and thus threatened our national security? They say animals react to global warming and those cats are clearly trying to tell us all something: sign a new KYOTO before it is too late.

Democratic policy would do well based on ‘Babar’, the story of a cute elephant who moved away from home after witnessing his mother get killed. He later returned, became the ruler after the king died from eating some wacky mushrooms, and married his third cousin.

We should send copies of ‘Everyone Poops’ to the world’s nations to let them know we realize we all poop, and in some countries more then others thanks to funky water. We feel your pain. Here is some extra toilet paper.

That bear that fell down the stairs by the way in the Winnie the Pooh book? Some hunter shot him because he was too clumsy to run away. But he wanted to change and that is all that matters. Like with a children’s book the Democratic foreign policy will be full of ideals and empty of results. But it’s going to make everyone who doesn’t like us like us.

Before you know it we will be singing ‘Cumbayah‘ together, or maybe even in the round, and the terrorists will hand out candy to children and there will be puppies and rainbows.

I can already hear Obama’s Inauguration speech for his second term…

“Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

OH! THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!”

Chris Cameron writes this weekly column of insane political humor every Thursday here at Radioactive Liberty. You can also read his odd and weird humor at his own blog Angry Seafood.

Humor-blogs.com thinks care bears are pretty lame. That is why you should vote “yes” by clicking the link.