Like predicting how much taxes will go up in the 58 States of Obama, finding political humor in the news is a case of when not if. You can always rely on the solons to come up with a bunch of crap for us to shovel our way out of. Might as well laugh about it because the crying is too painful right?

Artic Sea Ice Traps Climate Tour Icebreaker

Ah the delicious irony. The computers said the ice wasn’t supposed to be there. I wonder if someone on the ship suggested they leave and come back in a little while and maybe the ice will be gone. Someone else then follows up with a suggestion they covers their ears, close their eyes and chant “mamamamama I’m not listening” repeatedly.

Good thing they have a heated indoor swimming pool, exercise room, and sauna on the ship to ease their disappointment that the global warming thing isn’t working out as well as they hoped. And isn’t that boat using diesel fuel? Aww do the moonbats need a hug? On second thought never mind. I don’t want to smell like patchouli oil.

Guardian Uses Mount Rushmore for Website Ad

Come on. I know Obama is making it look like the US is about to become the world’s lapdog but this is ridiculous. The Guardian, one of Britain’s top media outlet and newspaper is just stooping too low. All four of those men on the monument inspired greatness and nation-building. All the British media did was inspire the book ‘1984‘. Maybe we should put one of those giant banners of a celebrity on Big Ben.

I think it is wrong to use a landmark as a way to advertise a brand. The people who do this want nothing more then to shamelessly promote their product or service without any thought to the ethical values we all hold dear.

Who are the Nine Percent that Approve of Congress’ Job Performance?

“There is no such thing as bad press as long as they spell your name right.”

~P.T. Barnum

Only nine percent of all Americans feel Congress is doing an excellent job. The other 91% thinks it is a hack-a-rama. But with re-election rates for members of the House and Senate running at like 96%, you have to wonder if our citizens are masochistic at worst, gluttons for punishment at best.

So who are the nine percent who think oil is evil, who think borrowing money from China to give everyone $600 is a good idea, and who think bailing out people who were credit risks to begin with are the kinds of solutions America needs?

Good thing nobody from Congress is running for President or we are so screwed.

Huge Ice Chunk Breaks Loose in Canada

There it is, the damning evidence for humans causing climate change, the smoking gun: melting ice in the summertime. But even more important is the second sentence of the story:

“Derek Mueller, a research at Trent University, was careful not to blame global warming…”

Oh no, better not let Al Gore hear you! Luckily for him, the researcher quickly remembered where his grant money was coming from with a follow-up to clarify his position:

“…but said it the event was consistent with the theory that the current Arctic climate isn’t rebuilding ice sheets.”

Meanwhile, the group of climate change moonbat tourists still waits for their ice sheet to break up.

Chris Cameron writes this political humor column every Thursday. He also writes for his own humor blog, Angry Seafood.

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The political humor series on slave labor concludes.

An Acerbic and Cynical Look at a Ridiculous Topic

Part 2: The Sum of the Parts is Larger than the Hole

More Boring History Stuff

For those of you left-wingers, who decided to return for the second part, let’s just get right to it, shall we?

Now, Uncle Les was telling you about all of the bad people, who lived long ago and weren’t nice to other people.

Can I get a show of hands of those of you who where here last time, who remember any of this? Keep ‘em up there. OK, not as many as I’d hoped, but still enough to make it worth my while to continue.

Oh, and you Hippies and Euro Trash types who’ve showered since we last met, thank you.

We all know about the Romans, the Greeks, the Carthaginians, the Egyptians, the Persians and other ancient peoples who enslaved folks. We are also aware of Chinese and Japanese imperialism and the horrors wrought by them. Genghis Kahn and the Moguls weren’t exactly all sweetness and light either.

Don’t worry my little bastard offspring of the Flower Children, if that sailed right over your heads. Here’s a little tip. If you look at the speaker and nod once in a while, it makes you seem like you’re getting it.

Europe in the Middle Ages had its share of issues too. Although they called it serfdom instead. Of course, we all know how evil the U.S. is for it’s own early and limited foray into slavery.

Limited? Yeah, limited. Let me explain. Slavery in the U.S. had been on a steady decline right up to the Civil War. You know what happened there. So, let’s do the math.

The United States of America wasn’t truly a nation until the Treaty of Paris was signed in 1783. This is when the Britain recognized our sovereignty. They kind of owned us until then. The 13th Amendment was ratified in 1865, abolishing slavery. Subtract 1783 from 1865 and you get 82 years.

Now admittedly, that’s 82 terrible years too long, but for practice that had been the rule rather than the exception a few millennium, I think we did pretty well.

I’ll bet that’s a lot different take on the subject, then you got in your public schools and on NPR.

*A side bar: Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation in September 1862 with an implementation date of January 1, 1863, but it only applied to the Confederacy, which had broken away. It didn’t apply to the border states of West Virginia, Delaware. Missouri, Kentucky, or Maryland. Slavery continued in some form in some of these states until the 13th Amendment was ratified.

So, the North got to keep their slaves while fighting the evil South over their slaves. And Lincoln? Well, he campaigned for slavery before he decided against it.

How political times have changed.

Say You’re Sorry and Pay the Man

I’d like to see another show of hands, if I could please. How many of you have ever been down to the slave market in your local town square? That few? How many treatises have you personally violated with the American Indians? Huh. I see. Thought that might be the case.

Next question. How many of you feel you need to pay reparations to the distant relatives of peoples that you never knew, never harmed and are very, very dead?

Last one. Then why the hell do we keep bringing it up? It’s like having your Great Grandmother taking you by the hand into a store that has had six owners in the past 70 years and telling you to apologize for your Grandfather. Then she forces you to pay for a piece of candy he stole in 1948.

While I started this post a few weeks ago, just yesterday Congress voted on a non-binding resolution to apologize for slavery which, of course, passed by huge numbers. It was sponsored by Rep. Steven Cohen (D-Tenn) who is up for re-election.  And you thought this had no immediate political relevance.

How about those Indians in what is now the USA? That’s right. Slavers. The Incas, Mayans, the Aztecs? All brutal civilizations that tortured and kept slaves. Say it’s not so!

Russian slave labor camps. Chinese slave labor camps. Japanese slave labor camps. German slave labor camps. The list goes on and on.

But wait, there’s more. If you order right now, we’ll throw in: African tribes enslaving each other and then selling those captives to the Arabs, who in turn sold them to the Europeans, absolutely free!

Name me a group of people, if you can, who haven’t been enslaved at one point in history or another.

But don’t stop with the national disgrace of America. We have to include all of Europe, don’t we my liberal listeners. That’s who settled this land after all. Bringing their slaves with them. And as I mentioned before, Asia Minor, North Africa in the time of the Greeks and Romans were all guilty. Carthage had slaves, as did Egypt -remember the Jews. Asia? Don’t get me started about the Chinese and Japanese. The Moguls were great believers in slave labor too. Don’t forget those Pacific islands.

There may have been secret German U-boat bases in Antarctica, which were built at gunpoint. So the Antarcticans are going to have to pony up their fair share.

Reparations for everybody! And I don’t mean no measly 600 bucks either. It’s my money and I want it now!

Wow, that got rather heated.

OK, let’s take a break. I’d tell you to smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, but I know better.

Tearing it all down

I used to tell my soldiers -yes, I was one of Them- not to come to me with problems. Come with solutions. I believe I’ve got a good one. Tell me what you think.

Any structure that was built by slave labor must be pulled down. Destroyed. Removed, only leaving a large hole where the offending structure once stood. Gone. We must rid ourselves of this evil and vicious side of humanity once and for all. Cleanse us of this depraved wickedness.

Then on the site of each, we’ll wait at least seven years before deciding what kind of monument we’ll erect and to whom. We’ll hold contest and pay out lots of cash to consultants.

Since we must now include every injustice to every human being ever committed since the beginning of time, it might take a while. Seven years may be a bit myopic. So, until we can decide, let’s just shine a light in the sky or something as equally intelligent as that. That’ll show the world were serious.

A New Day Dawns

Today in America, the farmers, hospitality industry, and low skilled trades employers want at permanent underclass to exploit. Keep them bare foot and ignorant. It’s a new “slavery” for a new day. But where will we get all of these people? It’s going to take a lot of them to build our new monuments to ourselves.

I think you know where this is going, don’t you.

Despite or maybe to spite the American people’s desires, our “leaders” are going to grant amnesty to millions of illegals who are breaking our laws. The question is why? I believe it’s not that Americans won’t do those jobs. It’s because profoundly stupid liberals, sorry, want to feel good about themselves and an evil corporate complex that demands cheap labor.

I thought you’d enjoy the “evil” corporation slam.

Congress will backdoor some form of amnesty in the next year or two. They won’t call it amnesty, but it’ll still quake like a duck. Since we know it’s coming, maybe we should think about giving this new movement a fitting title. The word “amnesty” leaves such a sour taste in the mouth. It implies forgiveness. And what did any of these wonderful folks ever do that they would need forgiven.

Any suggestions? I kind of like Citizens in Waiting.

I guess that’s about it. Please don’t forget your hash pipes and drums on your way out. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings -too much.

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An Acerbic and Cynical Look at a Ridiculous Topic

Part 1: A Little Righting of History

Photo by me, from a ways back. I don’t have all my shots.

Gathering the Tribe

Then draw together you Hippies and Lovers of Ancient Cultures. Approach, oh Euro Trash Wanderers and Liberal History Professors. For your favorite storyteller has a long and oh so sharp pin he wants to stick in to your bubble -the bubble of the myth of “The Good Old Days“.

Come one and all, sit at your loving uncle Les’s feet and listen to me carefully, as I tear apart your notions of what was right and noble. Watch attentively, as I shred your understanding of the fabric of times gone by, into tiny little pieces -that we can later recycle into toilet paper.

For recycling’s good and righteous in and of itself, is it not? And I can think of no better use.

Today I will shine a light into the dark corners of the past and even attempt to illuminate the spaces between a few ears. Today I will….

OK, hang on a second. That was a bad idea. All of you need to scoot back about twenty feet. My fault, I forgot a lot of you think patchouli oil and incense is a substitute for soap and a shower.

That’s better. So, now let’s take a little trip into…

No! Come on. Put that away! It’s not the kind of trip!

Of Human Bondage

Get your minds out of the gutter. Holy crap, this is going to be a rough day.

Our story begins way back at the dawn of recorded history. You know, were everyone was happy and the sky was blue and the water was clean and there were no real cures for the diseases that would frequently wipe out major portions of the earth’s population. Yes sir indeed, the good old days.

This is when the Greeks discovered democracy and little boys. The cute, little pygmies, in the pristine, old growth forest, communed with (and often were consumed by) nature. So long ago, that the Mormons were just settling into South America.

It was a great time to be alive, if you had wealth and power. It was a wonderful period in history in which to live, as long as your army always won the wars. Because if it didn’t, you might find yourself volunteering to build one of the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World! Cool, huh?

Put on your thinking caps here comes a pop quiz. For all the shiny marbles, do you know who actually built these magnificent structures? I’m sure you just assumed they were constructed by honest, union shops that had good benefits for their workers, which included paid vacations, free medical and generous retirement plans.

Buzzzz! Wrong answer there Bucky. Here’s a bit of info that you weren’t taught in school. (Eyes darting conspiratorially left and right as my voice drops down to a whisper) They were all built by slave labor. Each and every one of them.

POP!

Opps, there goes your bubble.

Gasp!

Yeah, I know. Shocking isn’t it?

But don’t worry. You won’t have to have done it for very long. Life expectancy for these workers was rather short. Except if you were really lucky, then Charlton Heston, er, ah, Moses would have freed you from that existence like he did the Jews in The 10 Commandments, just before you got turned into mortar.

* A little side note: Of all of the Seven Ancient Wonders Of the World, only the Pyramids of Egypt are still standing. It’s been estimated that it took 100,000 slaves over 20 years to build the Great Pyramid alone. A stunning monument to what can be accomplished if you have enough disposable people. I guess Egypt replaced the Israelites. They must have. After all, they had to get someone to do the jobs Egyptians won’t do.

The New Seven Wonders of the World

Hey, the world voted, so I guess we’re stuck with ‘em, unless you suspect fraud. I wonder how the pygmies voted? Maybe it was for the really big tree down by the river where the baboons ripped apart most of a neighboring tribe’s hunting party.

Actually, I do suspect voter fraud. Mexico, Central and South America are way over represented. They ended up with three out of seven, and all of them are religious in nature. This has got more Vatican fingerprints on it then an altar boy.

Chichen Itza and Machu Picchu were both built by slave labor. They were also the sites of brutal human sacrifices. The third one though, was not built by slave labor. Christ the Redeemer, the giant statue standing above Rio, was funded by generous donations to the Catholic Church. These were given by the impoverished and starving citizens of Brazil. Kudos to you all.

Hold on. Something’s fishy here. Lots of money being given by people with no cash? Makes me wonder if this is where Bill Clinton got the idea for raising huge campaign donations from Chinese busboys?

Huh. I’ll have to ask Chris C about this. He’d probably know.

The fourth New Wonder is the Colosseum in Rome. Some of you Liza Minnelli and Barbara Streisand fans know what happened there, seeing as how you own well-worn copies of Spartacus, and all.

How do I know about this? Good question. It shows that you’re paying attention, my pot-smoking friends. Sometimes in order to write authoritatively about a degenerative subject, one has to do distasteful research. I watched the Comedy Channel.

I could have sited Ben Hur but I’m trying to break with that theme and besides, the gay thing was funnier.

How about the Taj Mahal in India, the Great Wall of China or Petra in Jordan?

Want to venture a guess? Yeap, you’re catching on. Slave labor again.

* Another little side note: The Great Wall’s main portion took 100 years to build, while 2-3 million Chinese slaves died during the construction. Just think what they could do with the over 1.2 billion people they have at their disposal today. Maybe they could put on the Olympics or something.

But why stop at just these fourteen examples?

Just for fun. Take a look sometime at the list of “man made” UNDESCO World Heritage Sites. It’s an exciting journey through the marvels of forced labor and religious intolerance. Sometimes they’re even combined! All brought to you by the good folks at the United Nations.

We didn’t even get a chance this time, to touch on the building of the Russian Gulags or the at gunpoint construction projects by modern prisoners of war. So many shining examples of the basic goodness of mankind. I can still use the term “man”kind, can’t I?

Next time, we’ll explore more of the history of this fascinating subject and look at the solution.

Now if you’ll all stand-up and part wide, like the Red Sea, I’ll make my way out of here. Sorry, no hand shakes.

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