Confused?

Don’t know who to vote for this year? Feeling like everyone in politics is lying to you? I can understand that. They are! The two major parties have blurred the lines so much that it’s all but impossible to tell the difference between a Democrat and a Republican. There’s not enough space between them to slide in an anthrax-laced letter.

I believe it was Ronald Reagan who said something to the effect that when electing a new President, if you’re going to switch horses in mid-stream, pick one that’s going the same direction.

Even after all these years, I still don’t know what choosing a candidate has to do with urinating while riding a horse. But maybe it’s that both Presidential choices are piss-poor and are directing that stream in our direction. They’re peeing on our heads and telling us it’s global warming. It’s so much worse than being front row center at a Gallagher show and not because of the Sledge-O-Matic.

The Few, The Proud, The Ill Informed:

If you’re close-minded, intolerant and filled with hate and rage, then you’re probably either an illiterate, slobbering, inbred, redneck, conservative, hillbilly or dirty, liberal, pot-smoking, hippie, vegan, tree huger who isn’t going to or is incapable of, voting anyway.

This isn’t for you. Go away. But for the minority of you who do elect our leaders, I hope this concise, categorical and fact filled report will fill in those gaps in your political knowledge and help you to decide where to waste your vote this November.

Note: I gathered this information from very reliable sources…blogs. So you know it’s accurate. Let’s get started.

The Economy:

We can’t spend our way out of debt the Republicans say, but we’re going to try it anyway and we’re going to do it by bailing out Wall Street business tycoons without raising taxes on our friends in Big Oil. This means that the poor and middle classes are going to have to buck up and take it. This will also lead to the financial support of the wealthy by giving them larger tax breaks so they can afford to fill-up their Hummers, jets and yachts.

John McCain (owner of thirteen or thirty cars and a dozen or so houses, he thinks) is quietly pushing for a private supply of ethanol free gas for his Mexican (Americans in Waiting) gardeners. Many states mandate some blend already and the rest are sure to follow soon. In case you weren’t aware, that ethanol crap clogs up small engines like those in lawn mowers, weed eaters, and leaf blowers, rendering them useless.

McCain was overheard to say at a bugged, clandestine, Masonic fundraiser that, “if there’s no good gas for these noble people to use, to do the jobs Americans won’t do, then the Gooks will take their places with machetes and swing blades, and I can’t have that.”

On the other hand the Democrats insist we can spend our way out of debt and taxing the rich to give to the poor is the way to do it. They want to give the poor free cable so they can get a high definition picture on their plasma TVs while watching CNN and Oprah. Besides, Republicans have ruined the economy, so it deserves to fall apart just to spite them.

Obama (who is qualified to be President because he can multi-task by walking and chewing gum at the same time) understands that the economy and energy are closely linked. He believes that gas, like money, grows on trees and that we can cut down corn trees but not trees the generate electricity like those in wind farms. “Our energy future is in the wind,” Obama recently stated, “We need an economy that blows.” This may soon be appearing as a campaign slogan.

“Our energy future is in the wind.  We need an economy that blows.” Barack Obama on wind energy

Each party wants to blame the other one for mismanaging the economy instead of blaming the real culprits, the Canadians. Yeah, you think they sit up there all innocent, wearing plaid, eating fat-back bacon and playing hockey, don’t you? When in fact, these scheming, conniving, French speaking, bastards have infiltrated our government to its highest levels.

Did you really believe that Harry Reid was a liberal Mormon from Nevada? That’s got to be one of the lamest covers ever. Even his name mocks us. And don’t think you’ve escaped my notice there Mr. Plaid, Don I’m running for President too Lewis. You’re way too close to the northern border.

Faith and The Separation of Church and State (when necessary)

Republicans cling to their Bibles while Democrats search them for talking points. When it’s politically expedient, they’ll both use faith to try avoiding or clouding the issues. According to one genius, Jesus, like Obama, was a community organizer while Pontius Pilate was a governor like Palin.

From what I remember of that story, Pilate asked the angry mob who they wanted to crucify. The angry mob chose Jesus. Now that’s democracy in action. Fortunately, our Founding Fathers set up a Republic.

But speaking of Republican hottie Sarah Palin, watch out for her, she can see into the future. When serving as Mayor, this former Miss Wasilla had books banned as much as several years before they where even written. Now that’s impressive and very scary.

If only the original framers of the Constitution had had that power. I suspect they would have written the 1st and 2nd Amendments with less space between the lines. It would have been a little harder to read but…

Next week, if Conservative Humor by Radioactive Liberty isn’t shut down first for being a subversive, anti-government, terrorist cult, I’ll bring you part two, which will cover: War and Military Might, Guns, The Environment, and Babies.

Quick, while you still can, visit Les James’ blog, Satire, Parody, Military and Political Humor at Sideshow Mirrors

Politics can often get people a little hot under the collar, and overly pointless comments threads of heated exchange can often erupt. So, on Sundays we blow off a little steam to help remind ourselves that this is a political humor site, emphasis on the humor. We do this by arguing over a topic that even political geeks can agree is just plain stupid.

Although I altered it slightly, this week’s topic is suggested by our own Les James, who you can read here every Tuesday. You can also check out his military humor and satire site, Sideshow Mirrors.

Peeing in the shower: Great water conservation technique, or efficient time management.

Be sure to have an overly strong opinion and…

Discuss.

Barack Obama is ready to lead all 58 states out of the current financial crisis. With John McCain vowing to suspend his campaign until a bailout bill, an unidentified reporter asked Obama:

“Do you plan on attending the debate Friday? And is Senator McCain playing politics with this by saying he would not go to the debate?”

Anxious to take the nation’s top position for the next 8-10 years, Obama responded:

It’s my belief that this is exactly the time when the American people need to hear from the person who in approximately 40 days will be responsible for dealing with this mess. And I think that it is, uh, it is going to be part of the president’s job to deal with more than one thing at once.

He was then asked if he would stay on the campaign trail or head back to Washington DC to vote “present” on the bill. Obama geared up into superhuman superhero mode and replied:

If I can be helpful, then I am prepared to be anywhere, any time. If you need us, if I can be helpful, I am prepared to be there at any point. Presidents are going to have to deal with more than one thing at a time. Uh, it’s not necessary for us to think that, uh, we can only do one thing, uh, and suspend everything else.

Barack Obama can do more than one thing at a time

• He can send an email telling reporters the number of houses he owns.
• He can lift his arms above his head while reading from a teleprompter.
• He can assume the Presidency on election day while suspending the US Constitution… From his ears!
• He can protect women from being punished with a baby while putting lipstick on a pig.
• He can save the country from financial crisis while denying knowledge of his America hating, race baiting, terrorist friends.

Is there anything Barack Obama can’t do?

Other than speak coherently without the support of a teleprompter.

Video Link

What other amazing things can Super Obama do simultaneously?

Original image credit Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C. by Phillip Ritz This conservative political humor has been brought to you by Radioactive Liberty.