The 2008 election is less than a week away. On Wednesday October 29 I aired a heart wrenching infomercial that demonstrates just how horrible this disgusting country I plan to lead is. I trotted out one person after another whose life is a neverending story of tragedy and hardship. Over and over again, I made the point that the United States of America is a rotten, awful nation. The only way this can ever change is to put me at the helm and turn this disaster of a nation around before it becomes a footnote in the history books.

Still, there are many who remain confused about my agenda of hope and change, so I have compiled a series of frequently asked questions to ensure that you hayseed rednecks and idiots far less enlightened than myself can finally see the light, provided that you are not simply too stupid or racist.

Do you really think that childbirth is a punishment?

Yes. Yes I do. This obviously is a reference to my response that I don’t think that someone who makes a mistake should be punished with a baby. Now, as a father I want to clarify that children are a terrible scourge on mankind. Just as my father hated his children, so do I hate my children. In fact, not a day goes by that I don’t let my children know just what a horrible burden they are to me.

Where do you draw the line on abortion?

Haha. I was asked that by Rick Warren. Unfortunately, it’s a little above my pay grade. I would like to say that I support a woman’s right to choose, but I also agree that not enough women choose correctly. That’s why under my administration, women exercising their right to choose will be mandatory. What good is a choice if you make the wrong one?

Also, abortion should be legal regardless of age. I mentioned that I am a father, but I am punished with children and I can do nothing about it. I made a mistake, and now there is no way for me to redress my mistake. I will seek to do all I can to remedy this issue, by allowing women to exercise their right to choose with any child under the age of majority.

If we are all our brother’s keeper, why are so many of your own family members living in poverty?

I know this is difficult for you to understand. You did not attend Ivy League school like I did, but George Hussein Onyango Obama is my half brother, and my Aunt Zeituni Onyango and Uncle Omar are only half related as well. See how that is different?

Senator Obama, is it really good for everyone if we spread the wealth around?

Of course it is. When your employer lays you off from your job because my tax increases are cutting into the bottom line, I’ll be there to provide you with government assistance to help you through the hardship that your evil company has inflicted upon you. Americans don’t want a handout. But that’s just another reason this country sucks so bad.

Like it or not, you’re going to need a handout when I get through. I know how to spend your money better than you do, and it’s time you learned that.

Is Barack Obama a Muslim?

No. Muslims worship a supreme higher power that they call Allah. I believe that *I* am the supreme higher power that people should worship. My religion is more akin to Heaven’s Gate, or the People’s Temple, where I am the charismatic leader of my disciples. Clearly the Muslims are worshipping a false god, so I cannot be one of them.

Why is that bucket always stuck on your head?

That’s for me to know and you to find out, and it does not have anything to do with being unable to figure out how to remove it.

Is Barack Obama friends with Weather Underground domestic terrorist William Ayers?

Of course not. I was 8 years old when the bombing took place. It would be much more accurate to say that my relationship with Mr. Ayers is more like that of student/mentor.

Did you agree with the preachings of the racist preachings of your Pastor of more than 20 years, Rev. Jeremiah Wright?

No. Rev. Wright said many despicable things about there being a God and that God not being me. I have some very fundamental disagreements with him.

You have stated that your grandmother was in the hospital in poor physical health. Was this due to the internal injuries sustained when you threw her under the bus?

According to the doctor, these were entirely natural causes. That’s my answer and I’m sticking to it.

Why does Barack Obama hate America?

Where do I start? It’s a really long list.

Is Obama a Socialist?

That’s just an outlandish claim by far Right extremists that think that having a centralized government forcibly confiscate their money and property under penalty of law, and redistributing it is Socialism. They don’t even understand that Socialism is government ownership of the means of production and the distribution of goods.

Even though there are dozens of types of Socialism, but they all hold the common belief that the rich have more than their fair share and their wealth should be redistributed to the working class in the interest of egalitarianism, but that is not germane to this discussion.

I hope that has cleared up some of the most common misconceptions about me, Barack Obama, Messiah and US President. Remember folks. Vote early. Vote often. You can never vote often enough.

I’m Barack Obama and I approve this satire.

Thanks to our own Les James for the image. Bucket stuck on head joke origin: Frank J of IMAO Conservative Humor.

Finally a reason lacking all sense of political humor and silliness for why we should all vote for John McCain: old people are frugal.

Times are tight and if you haven’t noticed the government’s addiction to money is worse then Lindsey Lohan’s addiction to attention, and at least once in awhile we get something out of the Fed. Then again, the way Lohan has gotten around I’m not so sure I’d even want her hand touching my wedding tackle. I would even go as far as to make her put on dishwashing gloves to be safe. Might be a little rough but I digress.

First off, old people place a lot more value on money then the rest of us. They remember when things like a hamburger cost a quarter, or when someone had to eat the leather of their shoes to survive in the Great Depression. Waiters and waitresses wince whenever the bill goes to Grandpa. Look at how many old timers use those rubber coin purses that they have to squeeze to access all their pennies.

Usually there are dimes in the purse too but they used them all on a grandson in one of those slotted birthday cards.

This is what America needs: a cheap leader. An old person fits the bill and McCain happens to be a senior citizen. What luck!

No longer would we have a budget so sky-high. McCain could just yell “malarkey” or “if you don’t like being cheap then scram!” when someone wants to spend more money. You know how stubborn those old timers can be, so you can be sure McCain will stick to his guns.

Another benefit is that an old person for a President will be able to recommend deals for the country’s citizens. Maybe during a speech in a city he tells people to go to a certain diner because the Early Bird Fish & Chips is a great bargain. In another town there might be a good deal on polyester slacks at WalMart.

There will also be the added benefit of someone old always reminding Americans how good we have it now. We will be repeatedly told that kids today do not have to walk to school twelve miles in a snowstorm uphill both ways.

Now if McCain were only Jewish we could really start saving money. Not only would we be frugal as hell but America would never pay retail again for anything from China.

My friends, that is what is called a pipe dream so I guess we will have to settle for an old Gentile.

Go McCain!

No matter who or what you vote for, vote this Election Day because it does actually matter that you participate in the process. All kidding aside.

Chris Cameron writes this weekly political humor column every Thursday here at Radioactive Liberty. He also has his own daily train wreck of comedy on his own humor blog Angry Seafood.

[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs you can vote on just like an election but without the mudslinging.]

Tonight (Wednesday October 29), President Obama will address the nation in his first State of the Union Address since he became President following the Democrat Primaries. In the new Obama ad, Barack Obama is expected to outline his plan for the Presidency over the next 8-10 years. He will talk about his plans for the economy in all 58 states, and detail how he hopes to change the change in hope that will hopefully change as a result of his dedication to hope and change.

The half hour infomercial, that will hopefully soon grace the pages of the Ridiculous Infomercial Blog, will air on CBS, NBC, Fox, MSNBC, BET, TVOne, and Univision, with only ABC deciding to preempt the historical speech by our new messianic overlord, and first half-black President. Prayer and praise of His Lordship Obama is set to begin at 8 PM eastern tonight. Fox has announced that only the pre-game show of the World series will be bumped by the Grand coronation ceremony.

The World series was put on a historical mid-game suspension due to weather and resumes tonight, with the possibility of the Philadelphia Phillies becoming World Series champs if they win the 2-2 deadlock. But that pales in comparison to the important message of the Messiah Obama.

Following prayers and hymns sung in honor of our new Christ and Savior, President Obama, his Grace and Highness, is expected to target the Sarah Palin Vice Presidential bid, and attack McCain on the economy. This will undoubtedly be a crowd rousing maneuver that political analysts predict will solidify the Obama Presidency as one of the most victorious Presidencies in US history.

You’ll be saying “Wow!” when you see the full length Obama infomercial. Indeed, it’s even more amazing than shoe mops. Which is good, because shoe mops are the perfect accessory to the mop bucket that’s perpetually stuck on Obama’s head. Obama slices, he dices. He can even cut an economy down to the depths of abysmal non-existence. There’s never been a better time to sell.

I, for one, will be practicing the new anthem of the USSA in eager anticipation of His Lordships ascension to immortality.

The studio audience will receive free copies of Obama’s self-absorbed books outlining how amazing he is as a human being. The show will conclude with viewers being given a toll free number they can use to order additional voter registrations through ACORN.

UPDATE: It was half featured on the Ridiculous Infomercial Review. I love the picture of him wearing the RonCo apron.

This Political Satire is approved by Radioactive Liberty.

Here’s the Obama Infomercial video

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