Just like this past Thanksgiving, Les and Fiar ran out the door leaving me to create a post on one of the biggest holidays of the year, Christmas.

I’m not even getting paid to do this.

[Chris shakes fist at sky]

Oh wait, Fiar left his liquor cabinet open again. Oooh Southern Comfort and Wild Turkey? You shouldn’t have. Merry Christmas me. Now where are those shot glasses?

Now that I have thrown back a few shots I am going to do something I rarely do: a blog bandwagon-type post, specifically a wish list. Here we go.

Fiar: A pet hippie you can beat whenever you like. Since moonbats think humans are the root of all evil in the happy magical land of Gaia then isn’t Fiar simply helping them reach their goal with repeated beatings of said smelly 60′s left-overs? Buy a friend the gift of a pet hippie and you will achieve . You will.

Les: You get the gift of picking out the pet hippie for Fiar. Take your time though there are so many good ones to choose from. Make sure the pick is housebroken too if you can.

JumpOut: What else? The best Taser money can buy. I’ll go on to someone else as you are probably anxious to try your new toy out on some unsuspecting moonbats.

Barack Obama: Your real birth certificate. Now you can shut up all these idiots who think you are not a US citizen. I don’t know why they continue on with this madness. You will find ways to f^^k things up all by yourself without any help from the right-wing moonbats and their conspiracies. I have the utmost faith in you Barack to fail on your own merits.

AGW Believers (The Global Warming people): The complete DVD set of Little House on the Prairie. Since this was the last time humans used wind, solar, and water power pretty much exclusively it would be a great guide on how to live in the future.

Massachusetts Voters: The new movie Taxachusetts II: This Time We’re Taking All of It. By voting 70-30% in favor of keeping the state income tax, you have told your political leaders that you are in favor of being taxed at will. Good luck with that.

Gay People Offended By The Pope’s Remarks On Gender Roles: A reality check. Were you expecting him to say something favorable to your cause? He’s the Pope. If anything you should laugh at his remarks as they came a good six weeks after the hype that would have gotten him more press coverage. Plus, he picked one of the slowest news days of the year to make his comments. No worries.

Merry Christmas everyone, Happy Hanukkah,  well wishes for any other way you celebrate this time of year. Enjoy the day and safe travels.

Chris Cameron writes this weekly column every Thursday here at RadioactiveLiberty. He also has his own humor blog Angry Seafood.

More Christmas Humor:

* Obama Night Before Christmas Parody
* Holiday Gift Ideas
* Does Santa Claus Hate the Jews?
* 12 Days of Christmas Parody
* Democrats Should Run the North Pole

Since Democrats have control of Congress, and won the Presidential election in a landslide victory, it’s clear the American people are confident in the way the Democrats run things.

Since we’re so confident in the Democrats, I think we should give them control of the North Pole. Santa has been doing some shoddy work lately, and i think a dose Liberalism is just what the Big Guy needs to turn things around.

First things first, Old St. Nick is a bit squishy around the mid-section. I mean, he’s already several hundred years old, and we know that obesity, combined with old age is a sure death sentence. In order to bring Santa’s weight under control, we’ll need to pass a fat tax. All egg nog, gingerbread houses, candy-canes, chocolate chip cookies, and all other foods that contain fat, and/or sugar shall be subject to a 20% sales tax.

We’ll use the extra revenue to build fitness centers around Santa’s workshop (at a 200% mark-up and supplied by Nancy Pelosi’s brother-in-law), and we’ll mandate that all Christmas operations must be suspended for an additional hour every day to make time for working-out.

The next order of business will be to protect North Polese labor. The workers need to get organized, and stand up for their rights. There will be no more elves working until they die. There will be a 20 gumdrop/hour raise across the board. We’re going to start ELFU (Elven Labor Federal Union), and institute the card-check program to ensure that the elves are protected from the bourgeoisie evil Santa Corp.

Finally, Al Gore has informed us that over the last twenty years, the average temperature of the north pole is up one tenth of one tenth of a percent.

Effective immediately we must pass legislation controlling the diet of the reindeer. We need to alter their diet to reduce their flatulence. All that methane gas is destroying the environment. We’ll also need to mandate that all light bulbs be changed to compact fluorescent bulbs. We’ll legislate that the fireplace in Kris Kringle’s shop only run for three hours during the middle of the night.

To ensure compliance with all these regulations, we’re going to appoint a North Pole Czar. The obvious choice is Kelly Osbourne. She is supremely qualified since she is a female, comes from a famous family, and…well that’s all you really need, isn’t it? There will be no more problems in the North Pole! Yaaaaaaayyyyy!!!

Update for 2009:

It seems Santa is in jail for shoplifting egg nog. We could get Kelly Osbourne to do the deliveries, but for the first time in centuries, Santa’s Workshop couldn’t get all the orders filled this year, and Donner and Cupid died of malnutrition.

Rudolph passed away as well, but he died from mercury poisoning when the compact florescent bulb the government mandated be installed in his nose broke. Also, for the first time in centuries Santa’s Workshop reported a budget deficit. It’s so awful in the North Pole right now.

We must act immediately to save the North Pole! We have legislation in the works to fix every problem in the North Pole. It must be passed, the North Pole is too big to fail!

You can find JumpOut at his police humor blog, You Should be Tasered. The only place on the internet to learn how not to get killed by the police.

Original Image: Santa Under Arrest by Stéfan

More Christmas Humor:

* Obama Night Before Christmas Parody
* Holiday Gift Ideas
* Does Santa Claus Hate the Jews?
* 12 Days of Christmas Parody

I love Christmas songs! And who doesn’t? The best thing about Christmas carols is that they are so damned easy to learn. They only ever have like 4 lines, and those lines are repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, ad nauseum. Then the songs are played on an infinite loop beginning in October. Even children can learn the songs in no time.

What’s not to love?

The most bestest, favoritest, awesomest Christmas song of all time has to be the 12 Days of Christmas. It’s a little hard to learn all the parts, since there are 12 days of lines to learn, but with repeating all the lines that came before, it’s the single most repetitive of all the Christmas songs. Let me tell you, what a joy it is to sing the lines over and over again with just that minor, teensy weensy change of adding a new line each time. It’s the best!

So, for your Christmas pleasure we have crafted this 12 Days of Christmas parody with a political humor twist. It’s not just a tribute to Christmas, but it also pays homage to global warming hysteria. Global warming hysteria may be having it’s last Christmas this year before it grows up and transforms into an adult size “global climate change.”

Adulthood for global warming involves lots of backpedaling and double-speak, so it’s not much fun. Let’s all enjoy it’s last hurrah.

On the First Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
a copy of his stupid movie

On the Second Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid move

On the Third Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
three frostbit fingers
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid movie

On the Fourth Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
four extra parkas
three frostbite fingers
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid movie

On the Fifth Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
five frozen squirrels
four extra parkas
three frostbite fingers
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid movie

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
twelve inches of Global Warming
eleven pipes a busting
ten icy sidewalks slipping
nine Hobo-cicles
eight record snowfalls
seven nasty ice storms
six days of blackout
five frozen squirrels
four extra parkas
three frostbit fingers
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid movie

Wow! That was almost as much fun as it is to put a gigantic tree inside my tiny little home rendering one of the few rooms in my house unusable for an entire month. If you enjoyed that, first seek professional help. I don’t care if it’s a psychologist, your minister, or the fairies you talk to as you walk down the street. As long as they are certified, because you are certifiable.

Step two, email it to all your friends, link to it from your blog if you have one, or post it to your favorite social media/bookmarking sites. We think it’s good for everyone if you spread the humor around. Besides, it is the season of sharing.

Step three, check out some of our other Christmas humor columns.
* Obama Night Before Christmas Parody
* Holiday Gift Ideas
* Does Santa Claus Hate the Jews?

This was a collaborative effort between Fiar and Les James. Original concept, intro, and outro by Fiar. 12 Days of Christmas lyrics mangled by Les James. Les James enjoys long walks on the beach, dressing up as Mrs. Claus, and having people submit their works of humor to his twisted humor blog, Sideshow Mirrors. If you’re looking for a Christmas gift for Les, just send him your work to post to his blog. If you would like to send Fiar a Christmas gift, don’t listen to those uppity etiquette manuals, cash is a perfectly cromulent gift.

Merry Obamass!