Obama Finally Finds His Calling: Car Salesman

Good news America: Barack Obama and the government have taken over Chrysler and General Motors.

Our President even went multiple steps further, firing the boss of GM and then personally backing the warranties on new vehicles. He was not done there however:

“I am absolutely committed to working with Congress and the auto companies to meet one goal: The United States of America will lead the world in building the next generation of clean cars,”

If you loved the stimulus package just wait until you see the 2011 Chevy Adobe.

Washington Residents Give Detergent Ban The Raspberry

So Spokane residents are smuggling in banned automatic dishwasher detergent:

“The quest for squeaky-clean dishes has turned some law-abiding people in Spokane into dishwater-detergent smugglers. They are bringing Cascade or Electrasol in from out of state because the eco-friendly varieties required under Washington state law don’t work as well. Spokane County became the launch pad last July for the nation’s strictest ban on dishwasher detergent made with phosphates, a measure aimed at reducing water pollution.”

Of course the fact that Washington state ranks in the top ten in crop value nationwide has nothing to do with their water pollution problem. It probably doesn’t take much phosphate-rich fertilizer to grow 90% of the United States raspberry crop right?

Of course the ban has nothing to do with awarding inferior green detergents shelf space in the grocery store they did not actually compete for.

Not having to compete does go along with the elimination of risk in a socialist/communist economy after all.

Pass the raspberries comrade.

War On Terror Re-Named

It is official: the War on Terror is no longer called the War on Terror.

Now we are advised to call it an “Overseas Contingency Operation“:

“In a memo e-mailed this week to Pentagon staff members, the Defense Department’s office of security review noted that “this administration prefers to avoid using the term ‘Long War’ or ‘Global War on Terror’ [GWOT.] Please use ‘Overseas Contingency Operation.’ “

Catchy isn’t it?

The best part is the use of the word contingency. Who plans for every possible option better then the US Government? Certainly not these guys…

Even the master of ingenuity…

…does not have the contingency prowess of Barack Obama and Co. according to the moonbats.

God help us all.

Is this an early April Fools Day Joke?

Shellfish feel pain according to a recent study unless of course this is a prank:

“Not only do crabs suffer pain, a new study found, but they retain a memory of it (assuming they aren’t already dead on your dinner plate). The scientists say its time for new laws to consider the suffering of all crustaceans.”

The study shows that crabs experience the feeling of pain along with the discomfort. Hmm I thought that discomfort was part of the whole pain thing?

None the less, the article then says this:

“Interestingly, scientists don’t fully understand pain in humans.”

In other words they really have no clue what the hell they are talking about.

And what’s up with the picture chosen for the story?

A news item about crabs having feelings that includes a picture from San Francisco? Just don’t tell that to the Chilean Sea Bass. They are very sensitive and will probably take this report the wrong way.

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RL Political Humor Quick Hits is written by Chris Cameron every Tuesday exclusively for Radioactive Liberty.

Undeterred by his recent set-backs, President Obama and his band of Merry Men (Hillary included) wants to take untold billions, maybe trillions of U.S. dollars and give it all to a non-working, non-taxpaying, non-US citizen, minority.

With no mailing address, no phone number, no email, no way of even verifying whereabouts, we’re all ready to just give our hard earned money to a nebulous entity.  Okay,it’s not really our money, it’s China’s. They’re just letting us play with it for a while.

Doesn’t at all surprise any of us does it? You know, spending all this money for something so necessary that if we don’t do it right now, absolutely horrible things will happen. Except this time we’re not going to hear the droning, left-wing mantra “Do it for the children,” because these child abusers are doing it to our children.

So if it’s not for the kids, and I’ll tell you right now it’s not for you or me, then just who is the beneficiary of this loathsome pecuniary levy?

Surprise! It’s the environment. Isn’t that just peachy?

It seems it needs a lot of money, but the environment deserves it, it worked hard this year. Call it a bonus.

You know what a government bonus is, right? No? That’s when we taxpayers bend over, and they bonus! Okay, not original, but still funny.

Multi-billions is a staggering amount, so just how are we going to deliver all of this cash? Well that’s easy really. As the money comes in, it’s going to be placed under a very large pillow. Then in the middle of the night, the Climate Change Fairy will sashay in and take it to the environment. It’s all for a good cause, you know, health care…just not yours.

We’re going to raise the prices on everything produced, through Cap and Trade, to try to bring down the environment’s fever and no, I have no idea where the thermometer goes. And another thought that crosses my mind, how do we know what the correct temperature of the environment is? Has anyone asked it?

I’ve never seen the environment interviewed on TV, so I’m not sure if we know that it wants it’s temp lowered, or anything else for that matter. I mean, we’re flying kind of blind here. Does the CIA, NSA or NOAA have any good intel on this issue? We don’t what this to become another WMDs in Iraq fiasco.

When you think about it, the environment is kind of scary. It’s REALLY BIG.  Not only that, but it’s not a member of NATO, the EU, the UN, or any other organization I can think of. Is it rogue? Surely it’s not still mad at us. We got rid of George W. Bush.

These are important questions with far reaching implications. What if the environment goes on strike, or holds its breath until it turns blue? It could be like, totally bad.  Isn’t it time we held talks with the environment, without pre-conditions? Do you think it will welcome us as liberators?

Les James has all the right answers.  The problem is, the questions are all wrong.

Back again by popular demand, Alex L.

Chapter 7  Chatterbox

Yeah… he… well,” I said in reply desperately searching for some sort of quip or pun to endear myself to Cynthia. As usual though I was left standing by myself in a pool of blood scratching my head… I’d lost count how many times I’d been in that situation in my life.

There were still a few branches left on the road so doing my best to seem tough I cleared them and formed a path for the bikes to fit through. It had to be done quickly to, you never knew who or what was lurking out in the snow, plus the delightful fact that I had some rather nasty people following me.

“All right Cynny I’m done lets go,” I said casually fetching my dirtbike off the tree it was leaning on. She rolled her bike on over through the gap then waited for me on the other side, I soon joined her.

“Thanks,” she said smiling, for a second, which ended when I felt a sharp pop to the left side of my face, my god she could punch hard “And never call me Cynny.”

“Roger that,” I murmured under my breath as I rubbed the spot she’d hit. She was busy kicking over her bike so I did the same it was probably wise to stick together out here.

I’d forgotten what it was like to travel at speed, it was great the wind in my face, breezing through my hair, for once I forgot that it was constantly below zero freezing outside, and just enjoyed myself.

I had a bike and a woman, forget the fact she may hate me, I’d kill to see her naked and once again the smell of two stroke filled my nostrils. Good times. We rode on for some time winding around the roads past the old relics of society.

Around a bend ‘my woman’, a name I’d given Cynthia that I was definitely going to keep to myself, pulled into a storm drain, I followed a little curious as to why we’d stopped.
“What’s going on?” I asked.

“We’re stopping,” came the blunt response.
“I can see that… why?”
“The next bit will be safer in the dark, less chance of being spotted,” she said
“Ok, so what now?” I asked leaning my bike up againt the side of the tunnel.

“We sleep.” Cynthia replied as she wandered over to the entrance to the storm drain, and removed an iron bar from a latch holding a large steel gate in place it slid down and slammed into place, she put the iron bar into another latch to hold it shut.

“We’ll be safe in here, the tunnels blocked from both sides” She went on walking back into the tunnel. She took her bag off her shoulder and pulled a canteen from it, taking a few swigs she then threw it to me for a sip or two. It was only water but it was still refreshing.

There was an alcove in the tunnel a hidden compartment where we ducked out of sight and laid down to sleep, well she did, I sat there with my eyes open wondering if it was safe to question her. Finally I tried then drifted off to sleep. I dreamed for the first time in a long time about happy things, Cynthia’s thighs mainly. When I awoke, she was leaned up against the wall hiding us, sneakily peaking out into the pitch black night.

“Eveni…,” I said before she looked down at me scowling giving me the quiet gesture. I snapped up immediately outside I could hear voices when I did. They milled around a holed out Prius talking, were they after us? No, I don’t think so, they weren’t trying to get into the storm drain.

We sat and listened to their conversation for a while, obviously a gang of some sort, and they probably wouldn’t take to kindly to us wandering through their territory.
Suddenly though there was a different noise, a rattling from the distance, I looked at Cynthia and my heart stopped, she looked worried, and not just a little either, it was almost terror.

The men outside hadn’t heard it yet, they talked loudly until one of them shushed the others. But by then it was too late, from the sky, out of nowhere, in dropped a figure.  It landed hard on the roof of the Prius bottoming out the already busted shocks.

The men stood there silent, the figure on the roof standing motionless, it was facing away from me so I couldn’t see its face. I wish it stayed that way. I’ve eaten rats, stabbed people in the neck, hell a few hours ago I blew some fruits head off, but this, this brown trousers territory even for me.

It span eerily slow, and faced the two men closest to us, finally I saw what had come to scare Cynthia so much. Under the blue helmet really lay nothing, nothing but a mouth, it was enormous though, the teeth looked to be the twice the size they should have been.

Its jaws were huge and distended, muscular to the point where you could hear the ligaments working when to opened its mouth, the rest of its body though thin and bony its dark, wet skin showing through its ripped clothes. And then the noise, the creature looked down on one of the men who still stood there frozen, it’s teeth began to chatter, it was as if that was the only noise that had ever existed, it echoed through the tunnel, almost unbearably.

I covered my ears and kept looking, but it only got loudly… and then it attacked, it was vicious to the point where I couldn’t look, you haven’t been afraid till you’ve heard the noise of a skull being chewed into powder.

And then… nothing like the whole event had never happened, if it weren’t for the remains of a Prius and an terrific amount of blood and gore it never would have happened. I looked up at Cynthia she still stood there leaned against the wall ears covered staring straight at the other wall in front of her. Pale and shaken to an incredible degree. I grabbed her hands and ripped them away from her ears

“What the fuck was that?” I said slowly
“Chatterbox... UNknown… we should wait a bit till we move,” she said slowly coming back to reality.
“So its true… are they all like that?” I asked siting back down.
“No… their not all that bad… but then again there is also a lot worse,” she said going back to her bag and pulling out a few morsels of food.
“Great,” I replied, worse than that… something to look forward to then.

If you wish to write a chapter in our ongoing, political satire novel, please head to Mild Max for all the details.