Change You Can Believe In

Barack Obama here for Obama Motors. While I’ve no experience in manufacturing, sales, management, making payroll, or wiping the shit-eating grin off my face, I’m now in charge of two out of three of American’s largest car makers. We’ll get Ford sooner or later.

This change in managerial direction has not been without it detractors. There’ve been a few wise-ass suggestions from the Radical Right for names for the new cars, but I won the election, so I have a mandate from the people to come up with the names all on my own. Just like I did for our dog, BO -who we rescued from the Kennedy Puppy Mill. All of the female dogs were scheduled to sold to Michael Vick. Vick was planning to fight the dogs himself, in a new reality series, called Vick’s Bitches.

Now, I think that sounds like good, wholesome, culturally sensitive entertainment to me, but the ASPCA says it’s torture. What the hell are they talking about? Waterboarding is torture, and speaking of torture…

Let’s not dwell on the past were the Bush/Cheney Team made life on this planet almost unlivable. I’m willing to skip over the fact that the War in Iraq and Guantanamo Bay almost destroyed not only our credibility as a nation but the entire universe. Let’s be clear, I’ve had to apologize for them since they won’t do it for themselves. I’m not going to lay blame on the bad decisions made by the stupid bastards who left me with this big mess.

Still, I’m here today to tell you about my fabulous line-up of electric cars that are coming out… when we can get enough AA batteries. Until that time we have the Chevy Fairweather. It’s an affordable, recycled paper machete vehicle with a large watch spring for power. Just wind it up and go.

We’re also working on a concept car based upon the visionaries of the Stone Age. Remember The Flintstones? The stone wheels are very eco-friendly and we’re thinking of making the trees from used water and soda bottles. This highly affordable car will have a base price of around $500. With state, federal and local taxes, we envision getting this beauty off the floor, out the door, and you living in it, for just under $30,000. Now that’s a bargain.

Financing an issue? Say you have no job, no cash, no ID and credit score lower than my IQ? No problem. We here at Obama Motors own the banks too. I’ve empowered Chris Dodd and Barney Frank to run the auto finance arm of my administration with the same over-sight they gave Freddie and Fanny. And if you can’t afford the payments, don’t worry, we’ll just tax the rich to pay your bills.

Obama Motors. We Hope you’re going to like this Change.

Please take a few minutes from guzzling beer today to remember all the heros we are honoring on this day.

Hey everyone, it’s me Stacey filling in again for Chris. I keep telling him I’m all like whateves when it comes to politics but he insisted.

So there’s like this economy thing and that Al Gore guy said it has a fever or something.

They even laid off two teachers at Cosmetology School this week. I hope they don’t lay off any of the students. I could be next!

OMG will I get my tuition back?

This is scary because in our History of Hair class yesterday the teacher showed us pictures of haircuts during the economy downturning in the 80′s. Everyone had mullets like in that Dirt guy movie, even children. It made me cry.

If I make it through the student layoffs I swear kids will get normal haircuts.

Wow did I just create an on-purpose for my life? Go me! Hold on I gotta text Megs….

Okay back!

So I called my uncle Tim after class to tell him the good news and he’s all like “don’t bother me now” and “I’m busy making money” and blah blah blah.

I picked up Megs and we headed to my uncle’s job to surprise him. He works at some treasure building downtown and when we got there he gave us a bunch of money and told us to go shopping instead.

Uncle Tim is the coolest uncle e…v…e…r!!!

I bought some new shoes and some clothes. Oh and I got the new IPhone. Megs got some jewelry and got some hot guy’s cell phone number. Soooo jealous and there’s green ink all over our hands.

Ewwwww!

Oh I totally forgot! The economy!

Yeah. It’s pretty retarded.

~Stacey

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Chris Cameron writes this weekly column every Thursday as well as Political Humor Quick Hits every Tuesday here at Radioactive Liberty.

Or The Obamunist Manifesto

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the ideal of the individual that has allowed individuals to fail or succeed on their own merit and to become primarily devoted to the advancement of the collective and it’s agenda, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the abolishment.

We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men should be made to be the same, and are endowed by their government with certain inconstant rights that are to be changed as the government sees fit to protect man from himself, and swell the federal tax coffers. — That to administer these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from their good intentions and the ignorance of the governed, — That whenever any individual becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the government to jail it, shoot it, or to legislate and/or tax it into oblivion, and to institute new Government programs, laying its foundation on safety, and the populace’s inability to discern. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed. Ever. But when a long train of individuals and their lamentations, questioning invariably their government being reduced to absolute despotism, it is their government’s right, it is their government’s duty, to become increasingly more rigid, and to provide new Guards for government’s future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of this government; and such is now the necessity which constrains it to alter its former Systems of Government. The history of the former President’s of the United States is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny of the individual over the collective. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

Some individuals have excess, while others have none.

Individuals have forbidden their Government to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless the government could reasonably show that the laws would not intrude on individual liberty.

Individuals have tried to stop their government from levying unnecessary taxes against them.

Some individuals have done harm to others.

In every stage of these Oppressions the government has tried to circumvent these protestations through the judiciary. Still, the tyranny of individual liberty protests.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the government of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of this government, solemnly publish and declare, That this united government is, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent from the tyranny of individualism, and that all political protection of the individual from the government ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent government, we have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things with no regard to the will of the individual. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of total prohibition on the individual to keep and bear arms, we pledge to destroy the individuals’ Lives, their Fortunes, and their sacred Honor.

JumpOut is currently declaring his independence at his law enforcement humor blog, You Should Be Tasered