This is President Barack Obama. I come to you today on the planet’s best political humor site to bring you this important public service message.

Thanks to a tanking economy, which my administration inherited from President Bush, we have reached unemployment numbers of about 10%. Although this is more than double the unemployment rate during the Bush Administration – For which he was rightfully and roundly criticized – We are determined to continue to set multi-trillion dollar deficits because if we don’t keep hemorrhaging money, we will go bankrupt.

As you know, when you have reached the point of financial crisis, you spend your way back into the green, and that is my administration’s policy for ensuring that as many jobs as possible are created or saved. As part of our “Hope for a Job, Can You Spare Some Change?” initiative, there are many government job opportunities available for highly skilled and motivated self starters.

Many of these jobs are 100% scam free legitimate work from home jobs. Do keep in mind that back in Chicago, the definition of “scam free” is applied a little more liberally than the common definition. So I can only guarantee that I, personally, will not lose any money. Your results may vary.

The Hope for a Job, Can You Spare Some Change? Initiative is on of our crowning achievements in rolling back the clock to a more Socialist time in United States history, when so many Americans looked to the government to pull them from the depths of despair, and provide them with a paycheck.

Some of the top government job postings of our program are as follows. Keep in mind that this is just a partial listing.

PR and Marketing. We’re looking for ambitious self starters who are experienced in presenting to large audiences to assist in raising awareness about our doomsday cult global warming. With global temperatures falling, and one of the coldest summers on record, many citizens of the world are still not aware of the danger of global warming. Job requirements include wearing a sandwich board and raving like a lunatic.

Image Source: The End is Near! Colostomies 2:18

We’re looking for talented shoe-shiners to be the official Vice Presidential shoe shiner. Vice President Biden has a habit of putting his foot in his mouth. Now, I’ve told him that this is a dirty habit, and he should try to stop, but he just can’t seem to be able to help himself. The Vice President of the United States of America can’t be making public appearances and meeting important foreign dignitaries with saliva crusted shoes, and that’s where the cushy government job opportunity comes in. Submit your resumes now.

Government IT jobs. We’re looking for knowledgeable skilled beta testers to test out our new Obama Ogle Eyes desktop widget. You may be familiar with the desktop effect that follows your cursor around. Well, we’re currently developing a delightfully fun widget that has big buggly eyes that follow your 16 year old daughter around the room. 16 year old daughter is NOT included. You need to have been punished with a baby girl 16 years ago to test out this one.

On a related note, I’m also looking for a companion to make that “Aah-ugah!” noise you hear in cartoons when an attractive woman passes by. Sarkozy sucks at doing that.

Warning Sign maker needed. I’m a bit clumsy. I have a tendency to stumble through doorways and do other embarassing things in front of world leaders and international cameras.

We can’t have the whole world thinking that the American President is a bumbling idiot. Here are some examples of warning signs we need:

Here’s one letting me know to watch my step.

This one warns that a child could fall into a bucket.

This one warns me not to get my head stuck in a bucket.

White House Plumber needed. I guess we should not have treated Joe the Plumber so poorly. It turns out that when you continually flush trillions of dollars down the toilet, there is a tendency to get some blockages. You wouldn’t believe what happens when you stick the whole economy in there.

Consider the comments section to be your own satirical government jobs board.

Disclaimer: All jobs pay in Obama Novelty Million dollar bills. They’re literally worth the paper they’re printed on. But don’t worry, They’ll be of equal or greater value to actual legal currency soon enough.

This week’s edition of Political Humor Quick Hits is about responsibility, Biden’s economic accumen, and compliments…

Obama Finally Claims Responsibility for the Economy

I guess I was wrong last week. Barack Obama finally said it was his economy to ruin, I mean improve:

During an appearance in Michigan Tuesday, Obama addressed some of the critics on his handling of the economy so far.

“I love these folks who helped get us in this mess and then suddenly say, ‘Well, this is Obama’s economy.’ That’s fine. Give it to me,” he said. “My job is to solve problems, not to stand on the sidelines and carp and gripe. So I welcome the job. I want the responsibility.”

Don’t sing it bring it!

Obama then went on to make fun of the economic downturn ala Snaps style:

“The recession is so short it poses for trophies. I saw someone unemployed kicking a can down the street. I asked what they were doing and they said ‘moving to a shelter’. The recession is so old Muhammad was in the same Gym class”

Joe Biden Spells Out Why Economy Is Not Recovering

Unlike E.F Hutton, when Joe Biden speaks people shouldn’t listen. Good thing his speech was aimed at senior citizens:

Vice President Joe Biden told people attending an AARP town hall meeting that unless the Democrat-supported health care plan becomes law the nation will go bankrupt and that the only way to avoid that fate is for the government to spend more money.

“Now, people when I say that look at me and say, ‘What are you talking about, Joe? You’re telling me we have to go spend money to keep from going bankrupt?’” Biden said. “The answer is yes, that’s what I’m telling you.”

I have to give kudos to Obama for sending Biden to address old people on the health care bill. Most of the audience either fell asleep halfway through the speech or didn’t hear him because of age-induced hearing loss.

The AARP members’ thoughts also might have drifted to the choices for the Early Bird specials at the local dinner during the presentation.

If the audience did get what Joe was saying they should have been clutching their plastic coin purses harder then ever before while wondering when Kevorkian was showing up.

Biden’s next stop: An education reform speech at the American School for the Deaf.

Umm Waterloo is Not an Insult

I think the Democrats, and Obama in particular are getting punchy lately:

“ President Obama accused Republicans of playing political games with health care reform Monday, taking aim at South Carolina Sen. Jim DeMint for suggesting a defeat on health care could be a “Waterloo” moment for Obama.”

Doesn’t anyone remember that “Waterloo” was Abba’s breakout single? Jim DeMint was simply comparing the Messiah to the beginning of the career of Sweden’s biggest export.

Is the Savior forgetting Abba later went on to create “Dancing Queen”, the greatest disco hit ever?

You can’t even compliment our President without getting thrown under the political short bus. Mamma Mia!

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Political Humor Quick Hits is a weekly commentary on the news/current events written by Chris Cameron every Tuesday. You can also read his odd take on things at his own humor blog Angry Seafood.

For those of you who are too young to remember, Readers Digest use to do a series about different parts of “Joe’s” body. It these brief articles, you could get fun facts about various bits of the human anatomy. Things you’ve always wanted to know, but were too afraid to ask. Today, the most famous colon belonging to any Joe that I know, will give us the inside poop. So, Mr. Colon, tell us about yourself.

Thanks Les, but please call me Joe’s colon. Mr. Colon makes me sound too much like a former Secretary of State. Anyway, were should I… um… begin? At the end, I suppose, haha… So, I am Joe’s colon…but… you… already know that. Well…I’m a little nervous, er, what you may not know is… ah, pardon me. SHUT-UP!

Sorry about that… Idiot.  Ah, not you, it’s just my…never mind. Anyhow, okay, as I was trying to say, the colon is a very important… Not again… SHUT-UP! DAMMIT, DON’T YOU EVER CLOSE THAT BIG MOUTH OF YOURS? I’M TRYING TO DO AN INTERVIEW HERE! WHAT? NO, YOU CAN’T TALK TO THEM! I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T NEED A TELEPROMPTER! NOW, SHUT-UP!

It’s no wonder I have IBS. NO, I DON’T BS! YOU DO, YOU STUPID… STOP INTERRUPTING ME! FINE, IF YOU MUST KNOW, IT STANDS FOR IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME! NOW ZIP THE LIP, MORON!

I’m so sorry. I’m afraid this just isn’t a good time. Ever since Joe parked his head in here, I haven’t had a moment’s rest. It’s nonstop, “We miscalculated.” “The economy is worse than we thought.” “The economy is roaring back.” “Israel can bomb Iran if it wants to.” ” We have to spend more money to keep from going bankrupt.” “Want a guided tour of the secret bunker?” “My PIN number is 1,2,3,4,5.” “My favorite color’s plaid.” What a dumb ass, and I should know. It’s hard to believe we’re related.

Hey, here’s a thought. Maybe you could interview Joe’s brain. Wow! That a good one… Joe’s brain… CRAP! GIVE YOUR JAW A REST! DON’T MAKE ME GO ALL SPASTIC ON YOU! NOW, SHUT-UP!