You might be a liberal. Find out now!

Ever wondered if you have what it takes to be a sensitive, environmental friendly, compassionate, tolerant person, worthy of the love of Obama? Well, it’s your lucky day!

There are a mere six simple steps to this test. That’s only half of a Twelve Step Program, and a whole lot more enjoyable. Good luck. He Who is Him may find favor with you.

Let’s get started

1. Since a follower of Marx is a Marxist, a follower of Mao is a Maoist, what is a follower of Obama?

A: Brilliantly capable of understanding nuance and seeing the Messiah’s Path as Holy, to be traveled without question.

B: Stupid

If you answered A, good going! Now, continue on to the next question. If you answered B, please try one more time, to find out if there is any hope for you at all.

2. The picture shows the back of President Obama’s head. To see his glorious face, hold your monitor in front of your bathroom mirror.

If you followed these instructions, congratulations! You’re well on your way to enlightenment. If you thought this exercise was a grand waste of time, suitable only for morons, get out of here you Racist, Bigoted, Homophobic, Hater!

3. If you believe that Obama Care is a Right, should be available to all those who reside in the United States, and must be paid for by evil corporations and the wealthy, you…

A: Have turned over all free will to the Chosen One, as he knows what’s best for you. Praise be to Obama!

B: Are a Fascist.

Actually, it was a trick question, both are correct. Getting the answer half right still counts as a correct answer. If you didn’t answer the question, that’s okay. You still get to be counted as doing it, just like when you forget to vote. Remember it’s your heart felt motivation that matters, not actually achieving anything.

4. For the next section on the quiz, get a permanent marker. Now find these words, and circle them on your screen. Obama, Messiah, Liberal, Democrat.

Did you find them all? If you did, fantastic! If not, you’re still a wonder human being, and may yet sit as His Left Hand.

5. If you still believe in Global Warming…

A. What? Why wouldn’t I believe?

B. Clap your hands.

Either answer is just fine. You’ve got what it takes. Obama almost loves you, so don’t stop now!

6. Just one last section. This is where we test your loyalty. You must kill George W. Bush. The War Criminal is laughing at you and has to be stopped.

The devastating decisions Bush made, are still preventing our Leader, Barack Obama from achieving his earthly goals. The only way for Lord Obama to complete his mission, and you to attain Nirvana, is to rid the world of the failed policies of the past. Break the spell of this vile sorcerer!

This task will require a special piece of equipment. Go find a length of pipe, a steel rod, or other sharp metal object. It can’t have any kind of insulation on it. You will want to feel his life leaving his body, throughout your entirety.

Got a suitable skewer for slaying the Great Satan, who is Bush? Fantastic! Now, slam it through his black heart!

This concludes our test. If you’re reading this, you’re a big, fat loser, unable follow even the simplest of instructions. Never will you never walk in the light of  the Messiah. You’re a worthless failure. Worse than that, you suck!

But you may be able to find a small bit of redemption, you piece of crap. Obama demands you throw yourself under a bus.  He hasn’t got time to do it himself. Now go. GO! Don’t look at me that way. Get out of here! Find a speeding  Greyhound to stand in front of. You disgust me. That’s right, out the door. Off to the freeway with you.

[Wow! That was fun, and way easy too. Almost as much fun as running over dirty, stinking hippies with a Hummer! Obama voters got to be the most gullible idiots of this age. Darwin would be so proud of me.]

This is a good one.

First the headline: “New Climate Targets Might not Change Daily Life Much”

Done laughing yet?

Now the quote:

“Americans’ day-to-day lives won’t change noticeably if President Barack Obama achieves his newly announced goal of slashing carbon dioxide pollution by one-sixth in the next decade, experts say.

Except for rising energy bills.”

“Except for rising energy bills“. Because that won’t impact everyone’s lives.

Just the other day I was thinking about little energy costs factor into my life. Gas at $2.48 a gallon? I didn’t even notice the impact on my wallet. It was like I got it for free. That’s how cheap energy is nowadays.

And when my rent went up $60 dollars a month last year because of, and I quote: “increases in energy costs” I laughed knowing how little it would affect my life. $720 more a year in expenses is pocket change.

Walking around money.

Of course our Minister of Health and Human Services made us fully aware of the dangers of oil:

“Relying on fossil fuels leads to unhealthy lifestyles, increasing our chances for getting sick and in some cases takes years from our lives,” U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said.

Because things were so much better in the days of energy sources like windmills, peat, and whale oil. To think someone could live in a United States where if they actually survived childbirth could look forward to living until like forty.

That is if they didn’t get diarrhea, tuberculosis, or bronchitis. Or get kicked in the head by a horse.

Man, I long for the good old days and can’t wait to return to them so I can live a healthier life blogging on paper by candlelight and inhaling the toxic fumes of the peat bricks heating my home.

But Kathleen was not done there, bless her liberal heart:

“As greenhouse gas emissions go down, so do deaths from cardiovascular and respiratory diseases. This is not a small effect.”

Sigh.

The human body only takes in about .004% CO2 when it inhales. It also produces CO2 as a by-product of the breathing system and even more if it does not exhale.

We’d be pretty f-ed as a species if CO2 caused cardiovascular and respiratory diseases since the gas flows through the body’s bloodstream and lungs every few seconds.

So it’s always a relief when the person in charge of Health and Human Services doesn’t even know elementary-school-level anatomy. But Kathleen has a Masters in Public Administration so she has that going for her.

Maybe she needs to attend the Mark Twain School of Thought for an additional degree…

”It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

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Chris Cameron is a writer/columnist/beat reporter for Radioactive Liberty. You can also read his odd form of mostly non-political humor at his blog Angry Seafood.

In 1620, the Pilgrims set out for the New World in search of somewhere to hold Thanksgiving dinner but weren’t really sure of a suitable location.

First they landed in Neptune, New Jersey but were scared off by the mafia and all the guidos at Seaside Heights during a taping of a new MTV reality show.

Then they sailed down the coast and parked at a marina in Boca Raton, Florida. Instead of the Fountain of Youth they discovered a bunch of old people wearing polyester. The Pilgrims noted the irony, sailed south to the Panama Canal, then through it to the Pacific Ocean.

The first place they visited on the West Coast was Arizona but many Pilgrims did not like the high temperatures despite being reassured it was a dry heat.

The Pilgrims next traveled to San Francisco, California. They were immediately scared off by the foreign rituals of the locals clad in leather, all the homeless people, and an Adam Lambert concert.

The Pilgrims then sailed into the Northwest Passage and before long they were nearing Detroit. A costly error of judgment almost proved fatal when they felt it was safe enough to make camp for the night.

When they woke up the next morning, the Mayflower was up on blocks with graffiti sprayed all over it and the stereo was stolen. They had to trade all their livestock in order to fix the ship.

After this happened the Pilgrims decided they had taken one too many chances. They signed the Mayflower Compact, decreeing the new settlement would take roots in Langhorne, Pennsylvania because of it’s proximity to Sesame Place and a Six Flags amusement park in New Jersey.

The Pilgrims resumed their journey but a few hours down the river the low fuel light came on. Worse yet, they were still hundreds of miles from their destination and out of livestock to trade for gas at the next rest stop.

After much debate, the Pilgrims agreed on settling down in nearby Plymouth, Massachusetts. There were casinos nearby, a Six Flags, and if anyone wanted to they could take a summer vacation in New Hampshire.

The locals were immediately curious of the foreigners now living among them, calling the Pilgrims “wicked pissah” and their ship the “Mayflowah”.

The Pilgrims adapted quickly to the native customs.

The locals also helped the Pilgrims get through the harsh winter and later catered the first Thanksgiving dinner in 1621, a tradition that endures to this very day.

The End

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

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Chris Cameron is a writer/columnist/beat reporter for Radioactive Liberty. You can also read his odd form of mostly non-political humor at his blog Angry Seafood.