Political Humor | 24 Recap 5-7pm

If you don’t want to know what happened, don’t click on the “Read More.” Otherwise. Enjoy.

In the CTU recovery room, Tony wakes up. He wants to know what happened to Michelle. Buchannan tells him, “I’m surprised she’s not back yet. We sent her out for chinese. You don’t think we go 24 hours without eating, do you? It’s getting close to dinner time too.

At the scene of the terrorist attack on the motorcade, Crazy Marty tells Aaron that President Worthless Weasel Waffle knew about the attack. Pierce says, “No way. He’s so decisive and reliable, just like President Allstate was.”

Big Bad guy tells his buddy, “Just make sure you get Rudy’s keycard, or the whole plan is blown. Lackey says, “It’s in the bag, yo.”

Meanwhile, Jack let’s Chloe know that Halliburton Guy tried to kill him, and needs her to help find him. He’s interfacing with his PC at home, Dumbass. Curtis finds out that one terrorist lackey has half the terrorist’s plans on him. For once being dead doesn’t stop important information from being learned.

Back in recovery, Tony gets out of bed, peels of the bandage on his face and looks in the mirror. “A little cover-up and no one will ever know the difference.” He goes and hops on the computer to find out where his woman went, and finds out she’s dead.” Buchannan sees him, and says, “Oh, sorry about the not telling you she’s dead thing. Slipped my mind. On-going investigation and all that. You know the drill.

Back at the limo attack, Marty is pissed, and President Suvarov wonders why she was acting so strange. Waffle Weasel tells him, “Oh yeah, she’s battier than a belfry. We were about to ship her off to the loony bin, but it sliped our minds. Terrorists and all that. Ya know.”

Back in lockup, Rudy requests a phone call. Now that he’s being detained, he suddenly needs his key card back. He tells his crackhead sister he needs it back. She looks for it, and her boyfriend says “What? We’re getting 20 grand for this. ”
“From who?”
“20 G is 20 G.”

The President goes to see his wife, but he’s not allowed in. He says, “I’m not just anybody. I’m a war hero.I was in Vietnam dammit!” Evelyn says, “Yeah, she mentioned you by name, as I recall. Later.” Martha sends for Aaron.

Edgar figures out the schematics match up with a hospital. One of the terrorists is wandering around the hospital looking for a good place to set up the nerve gas.

Jack makes his way to Halliburton Guy’s house in record time, and barges in. He tells Wifey to show him the computer. He’s got p*rn to download, but there’s no time. He directs her to the couch for a casting call, but then sees the computer, and gets Chloe on the invisible, always secure communications device.

Curtis gets on the phone and gets the hospital ready for evac, but they can’t evacuate the people in ICU. Oh no, the babies. Not the babies! The bad guy inside, calls his boss to ask directions. He’s then told, “What kind of man are you, asking directions? Indeed!

Aaron pays a visit to Martha, and she says, “You know, my husband hasn’t been a real man for a very long time now. He has ED. Not like you, you hunka hot man meat you.” But before Aaron can get to first base, Novick interrupts them and says to Martha, “Did you know that your husband wants to see you?” She says, “Well, DUH! I don’t really care.”

Aaron tells Novick, “Did you see that? She was totally on that! I totally didn’t bang her though.” Novick replies, “Well don’t plan on it either, Brah.”

CTU confirms that the bad guy is in fact a bad guy. yay.

Jack needs Chloe to find the good p*rn on Henderson’d computer, but he’s just got music, and accounting programs. But wait! There’s a shadow drive. Jack demands the password from Wifey, but she doen’t know. He tries to convince her that her husband’s a very bad man. “He tried to kill me!” She tells him it was self defense. Jack thinks, “Is she smart enough to breathe?”

Meanwhile, at the hospital, an administrator notices a bad guy that seems to be a bit out of place, especially since the hospital’s being evacuated. CTU agents catch up to him just after he arms the nerve gas. The out of place orderly makes a run for it, but gets shot dead. A chemical response team is called. “Don’t forget not to bring a containment unit,” Curtis tells them.

Chloe still can’t crack the password as Henderson Halliburton gets home. Jack sneaks up on him and blind-sides him, then orders him to handcuff himself, and get on the couch to do a bondage scene with his wife. If he can’t download the good p*rn on the computer, he’s going to get it one way or another.

Jack still can’t understand how the wife, clearly too stupid to breathe is still alive, so he shoots her in the knee. That would be a great idea, except Mr. Halliburton is all like, “You can put one behind her ear for all I care.” Jack calls for an ambulance. “She’s been shot. I don’t know how. I thought the safety was on. Just get an ambulance here!”

Back at the hospital, the agents are afraid the cannister will go off if they move it, and dang it! They left the containment unit in the van. Time is running out, so they pick up the cannister and RUN to the van, getting the cannister in the aquarium JUST. IN. TIME.

Back at the crack-house, the terrorist is like, “Dude. I totally forgot my wallet at home, and he puts one behind the ear of crackhead and her boyfriend.

Hour two

The terrorist finishes up, and grabs the all important keycard, which is not deactivated yet, despite Rudy being declared insane, removed from command, and detained. He hacks it to put his picture to it.

Meanwhile, at CTU, Kim has arrived with her boyfriend, and their new pet puma, Rowdi. The Nose informs Kim that Jack isn’t dead, and chastizes her for being so stupid as to think that Jack Bauer can actually die. Jack arrives with Halliburton in custody.

The Veep is telling President Worthless that it would be a good idea to declare martial law. No wait. PREEMPTIVE martial law. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Waffle Weasel never met a stupid idea he didn’t like, so he gives the go ahead.Mr. Bad Guy arrives at CTU, and uses Rudy’s Keycard to gain access, full access. Despite the fact that Rudy is being detained. No one seems to notice.

Jack meets with Kim, her former therapist/current boyfriend, and their pet puma. She shows Jack some of the new tricks Rowdi has learned, but is still angry that he let her think he’s dead.

The Bad Guy figures out where he needs to go, and proceeds to shut down the ventilation system.

As Halliburton Henderson is all rigged up for the coming torture session, Jack makes one last attempt to persuade him to talk. Henderson declines the offer, and Jack says, “Let the games begin,” and wipes some drool off his chin.

Back at the Presidential Palace, Martha decides to catch a smoke, and Novick shows up telling her how great she is. She says, “Stop kissing my ass and get to the point.” He tells her that the President is going to declare PREEMPTIVE martial law. “You gotta talk to him.”

Meanwhile, shutting down the vent system has triggered an alert. Carrie tells Edgar, and he says, “Don’t you see the two cases of Oreos on my desk? If I’m going to finish them before this episode is over, I got to get to eatin’. Go check it out yourself.”

Martha finds her useless husband. President Kerry tells her, “I actually voted against the terrorist attack, before I voted for it.” She forgives him. “You made a decision and stood firm by it. You and ‘firm’ haven’t been in the same sentence for years. I respect you for that.”

Back at CTU, Carrie finds the room with the terrorist, and the sentox cannister, and quickly get stabbed in the back by the terrorist. The cannister is now armed as Kim asks how long daddy’s going to be. Audrey tells her, “Who Nose?”

In the detainment center, Sam breaks the news to Buchannan. “Uh, you haven’t seen my key card, have you? I think I left it in my locker at the Y. Can you ask my sister if she can bring it?” Buchannan informs Samwise that her sister is dead. So’s the BF. Looks like a pro did the hit.

He tells Chloe to look if Rudy’s card has been used. She says, “Of course it hasn’t. He’s already here.” Buchannan orders her to do it anyway, and she’s shocked to find out it HAS been used. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the man you have in custody is an imposter! Lynn Just got here a few minutes ago.”

Sound the alarm! Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Meanwhile Bill and Chloe spot the Bad Guy on the security camera and send Jack after him. The Bad Guy whomps a security guard and instructs him to open the door with his security code. After that, he kills the redshirt anyway, and takes his radio.

Jack arrives seconds later and sees the body sans radio. He know the Bad Guy can listen in and gives false info to Buchanan, but gives a visual signal on the security camera. Bad Guy is fooled by the ruse, and winds up in Jack’s sights. Big Mistake.

Edgar’s been looking for Carrie, and finds out that she’s laying down on the job. There’s no vending machine there either, so he waddles back out of the room, oblivious to the sentox cannister which has just opened. Despite being in closest proximity to the gas, Edgar is not the first to drop.

Everyone is told to get to a sealable room, or else they won’t be invited to dinner. Anyone not in the sealed room starts dropping like flies, but Edgar takes longer than most. His mouth is full of Ho Hos and breathing through your nose helps. He then notices everyone is sealed up in the bunker and he’s left out in the cold.

Edgar finally kick it, presumably from the effects of the nerve gas, but it may have been starvation, or melancholy form not being invited to dinner. 7:00 hits the screen. This time, with no sound.

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