Political Humor | Barack Obama Looks to the Military for Veep Choices

Jim Johnson sat at the table in the conference room looking over his notes and turned to Barack Obama. “You ready?”

“Sure.” Obama replied. “Interviewing people from the military, especially with my limited experience in foreign relations was a brilliant idea. I am getting better though. Israel is in the Middle East right?”

“Yes Obama.” Jim sighed and pressed the intercom button on the phone. “Send in the first candidate.”

“Okay” The female voice answered. The door opened and in walked a great hero from the Korean War.

Obama stood up. “Mr. Patton…”

“Call me general” Patton interrupted.

“Okay General,” Obama sat down. “What is your opinion on the Iraq War?”

“All this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of horse dung.” Patton preached as he looked Barack in the eye. “Americans traditionally love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle. When you were a kid, you admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, big league ball players, the toughest boxers. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That’s why Americans have never lost, and will never lose a war… because the very thought of losing is hateful to Americans.”

“Well be in touch, thanks. Next!”

Obama looked over his notes as the next candidate sat before him.” So, Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, how do you feel about campaigning heavily in Texas?

“Holy dog sh*t. Texas?” The outspoken Marine replied candidly. “Only steers and queers come from Texas.”

“Maybe Florida would be better. Where do you stand on gun control?”

“The deadliest weapon in the world is a marine and his rifle.”

“Hmm. That isn’t good. We don’t really like guns. They kill people.”

Hartman stood up, annoyed. “I’ll bet you’re the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I’ll be watching you.” The Sergeant turned, walked out and slammed the door behind him.

“Typical white person I guess.” Obama shrugged.

“I’ll send in the next candidate.” Johnson said.

“Admiral Benson.” Obama stood up and reached out to shake his hand.

“Really? Me too.” Benson met Barack’s gesture then seemed to trip over his own feet. “I slipped on a crab. Who put that crab there?”

“I don’t see any crab” the Democratic nominee said with a puzzled look.

“Don’t tell me. There were two crabs. They work in pairs. I went to Annapolis for chrissakes!” insisted the Admiral.

“Let’s get to the interview, shall we? What is your vision for America?”

“My eyes are ceramic. Caught a bazooka round at Little Big Horn. Or was it Okinawa? The one without the Indians.”

“No, I think that was the Spanish-Amer…” Obama stopped as Johnson whispered something into Barack’s ear. “…Okinawa. So what is your vision for America?”

“It is at moments like these, my dear friends, that we must ask ourselves: ‘How can this not be part of some larger plan?’ Do good men like Dead Meat Thompson just blink out one day like a bad bulb? I mean, one minute you’re in bed with a knockout gal… or guy, and the next, you’re a compost heap. Doesn’t that bother any of you? Because it scares the living piss outta me!”

“Thank you for your time Admiral.”

“Well, gotta run. Good luck.”

“Are there any more candidates?” Obama asked after Benson left the room.

“No that’s it.” Jim replied.

“I like the last guy the best.”

Make sure you choose Humor-blogs.com for a change in 2008. A change from unfunny humor blogs that is.

Chris Cameron writes this silly drivel every Thursday here at Radioactive Liberty. You can also read his odd take on humor at his blog Angry Seafood.