Political Humor | Bastille Day

Today is Bastille Day. This is the day that the French celebrate (July, 14 1789) the very last time that they ever had any guts to stand up for what is right.

Oh, sure, there are some Frenchmen who aren’t spineless jellyfish, but I don’t know of any, so I think I had better stay away from making rash generalizations based on hearsay, and anecdotal evidence.

What reason do you have to Bash the French?

Well, they’re French. Isn’t that reason enough? It’s not really a visceral hatred that I feel for the French. It’s more like a primeval urge to fire off insults. In fact, I think it is actually a primitive instinct encoded in the psyche of all humans.

Huh? What the heck does that mean?

It is my postulate that the “French Hating” gene is the root cause of my desire to subject yellow bellied Frenchies to unprovoked assaults on their personal characters. The French of course have the gene as well. It causes them to cower in fear at the threat of even a mild verbal disagreement.

Where does the “French Hating” gene come from?

Good question… Hey, who’s asking me these questions? Where are you? Many thousands of years ago, there was Neanderthal Man (pronounced “I-surrender-man). Named for the region of France in which Neanderthal Man’s bones were first discovered. Modern day humans are derived from another ancient human species called Cro-Magnon Man (pronounced gun-toting-redneck-man).

It is theorized that Cro-Magnon Man actually migrated into Neanderthal Man’s territory, and as food was scarce, deadly competition ensued in the quest for survival. Proponents of this theory postulate that Cro-Magnon Man killed off Neanderthal man, rendering him to the ultimate surrender - extinction.

My theory is that this is the birth of the “French Hating” gene. Our ancestors came to France, and wiped out their population, thus forever etching into our collective psyches the notion that the French are our mortal enemies. So, French bashing is just the natural order of things.

There is a phenomenon wherein people who attend prestigious universities acquire a dangerous mental defect that reverses the French hating, America loving tendencies into French respecting, America hating tendencies. I attribute this to a lack of competitive collegiate football teams at these universities. Sure, they may be competitive at uninteresting endeavors, such as: Chess, baseball, rowing, basketball, or debate team, but it’s good for society to have large men proving their manliness by rhino charging a locker.

Why would I want to do such a mindlessly stupid and destructive thing like that, eh?

Where are you? Come out of hiding. To answer your question, you wouldn’t because you are a sissy. Healthy American football players, or Aussie rugby players would though, because it show that they are tough. Chicks like that.

“I’m a lover not a fighter” is a pick up line. It’s not a way of life, except for weenies like you. Chicks like a guy that will pummel a potential attacker into a bloody puddle of mush if need be, not someone that will hide in a corner and cry like a little girl who skinned her knee. Hey, at least the girl skinned her knee before crying.

Back to my point, not only is making a mockery of the French natural, it’s fun too. Beyond that, I believe that it is a civic duty to insult cowardly Frenchmen. That’s right a civic duty, such as voting, and serving jury duty, not just as an American, but as a citizen of the world. All of humanity benefits from making a vulgar mockery of the French.

What have the French ever done to you, eh?

Who’s asking that? Show yourself you linguini spined slug! For one thing, the French gave us the Statue of Liberty.

Isn’t that a good thing? It was a gift you filthy, unappreciative American.

Aha! I knew you sounded French. To answer your question - sure it’s very nice of you to have given us a symbol of liberty and freedom. I take exception to the fact that I know, as well as the French do, that it was nothing but a prank. The joke’s on us.

What do you mean, eh?

Oh, come on now! I know you French look down your humongous noses at us, but we’re not that stupid. How many French statues and sculptures of beautiful naked women do you French have? And what do you send us? Thomas Jefferson in a robe. Did you think we wouldn’t notice you mocking one of our most important Founding Fathers by sending us a sculpture of Thomas Jefferson in drag. Well I noticed. It may have taken over 200 years, but we’re on to you Frenchie!

You insolent swine! Without our help, you would have never won your own war for independence from the English!

Quite true, Pepe Le Pew, (hey that rhymes) however we repaid the debt 216 years ago, during the French Revolution. How many times have we saved your sorry, quivering hides from extinction since then? Like a hundred by my count. At some point you have got to let go of that. The scale has tipped far in favor of the French owing us.

You Americans are nothing but uncultured cowboys!

Hey, thanks! Er, wait… Was that sarcastic? Are you implying that we are actually cultured elitists, like the French? I ask because it sounded like you intended that as an insult.

No. You have a cavalier attitude.

Again with the compliments that sound like you intend them to be insults. How stupid are you Jean-Paul? Cowboys are heroes. Cowboys have guts. Cowboys look evil in the eye and then remove it from the face of the earth. Are you so mind numbingly stupid that you think that’s a bad thing?

Hey! Where did you go? I guess he got scared and ran away. So, as I was saying, the French really suck. Also I would like to apologize to anyone who found this offensive. I am sincerely sorry that you are a yellow-bellied, jelly-spined, gutless, surrender monkey.

I’m sorry you were born French. I’m sorry that you got offended because you are such a pussy.

Happy Bastille Day!

I’m digging this out of the Political Humor archives to gratuitously add to Humor-Blogs.com

Related: The History of Independence Day
A History of Groundhog Day
Great Moments in Hezbollah History

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Image: Bastille Day Fireworks by claytron