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[...] Beating Hippies and Senate Seats: What Would Obama Do [...]

Dear Barack:

I’m under Federal investigation for, ummm, selling things um, that didn’t belong to me. I think I’m going to get fired from my job, and I’ll most likely be going to prison. My main concern is my wonderful hairdo. How do I keep from getting my hair messed up while getting gang-raped in the shower?

Coiffed in Chicago

Dear WWOD,

I represent an organization that is sitting on several hundreds of thousands of pre-marked ballots from several key states. We found that we didn’t need all of the million or so we printed for this last election. We can’t decide if we should try to sell them as uncirculated souvenirs, like the Obama coins, or re-cycle them. Then should we use the money in local elections or give it a worthy group like PETA or Green Peace?

Signed,

Uncertain in Chicago