How’s everyone doing tonight? Yeah, I just flew in from Louisiana, and boy are my arms tired!

[pause for laughter]

Man, that Wanda Sykes, she sure is funny. Funny-looking!

[pause for laughter]

I know, I know, she’s a lesbian crack-whore, and I hope she contracts AIDS, and dies!

[pause for laughter]

Seriously, though, I’d like to see her go hunting with Dick Cheney, and get shot in the face with a shotgun and die!

[pause for laughter]

Dick Cheney would indeed shoot her in the face. Her face is so ugly, I’m surprised she doesn’t die every time she looks in the mirror!

[pause for laughter]

You know what would be funnier? If she was walking down the street, and got gang-raped to death!

[pause for laughter]

That’s funny right there, I don’t care who you are.

Ooo, ooo, even funnier than that would be if she were in the next skyscraper some terrorists flew a plane into, and she had to choose whether to jump to her death, or burn to death in the giant fireball!

[pause for laughter]

Which one would she would choose? Who cares!

[pause for laughter]

I know this little confabulation is supposed to be about President Obama. His speech was funny. The only thing that could have made it funnier is if he died from kidney failure during it!

[pause for laughter]

You know what else would be funny? If right after he delivered his line about Dick Cheney’s book, How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People, a sniper shot him in the face!

[pause for laughter]

Do you remember when Gerald Ford used to fall down getting off Air Force One? President Obama should do that while Air Force One is flying!

[pause for laughter]

This audience sucks! You didn’t laugh at one of my funny jokes. You should all die from leukemia!

[pause for laughter]

You can find more funny jokes at JumpOuts law enforcement humor blog You Should Be Tasered

Holy crap! The newspaper industry is dying a slow and agonizing death. I can’t believe this. Who would have seen this coming? Who knew that the internet, with it’s immediate access to more than enough free content to choke Linda Lovelace, would crush the newspaper industry beneath the heel of it’s merciless, digital jackboot?

Something has to be done! By that I am certainly not implying that the newspaper industry do anything to save itself. Perish the thought. No, I mean something has to be done by the government involving large infusions of taxpayer dollars to reinvigorate yet another failing, worthless industry.

Another fine course of action would be to punish the success of teh internets by forcing them to share more of their profits with the newspaper industry. After all, with the election of Barack Obama, we seek only economic justice.

The newspapers have done such a wonderful job of informing the public. Or at least they might have had people waited until the morning paper arrived to get their news instead of surfing the web until their eyes began to bleed.

Just look at how deeply they delved into Barack Obama. The way they were the first to sound the alarm when they discovered that Obama hung out with known terrorists, Marxists, and racists. Okay, so maybe they didn’t do that.

Well, at least they have the obituaries. Where else are you going to be able to find information on the latest deaths in your community? Wait, that’s on the internet too?

Damn it, you can’t wrap your fish in Google News! I’d like to see you use the internet to cover your table while you clean your guns. You would also have a hard time using your flat-screen monitor to line the bottom of your birdcage.

Awww, fuck it, let ‘em burn.

I think JumpOut may be burning more stuff at his law enforcement humor blog, You Should Be Tasered

Possible GOP candidates launched a listening tour in an attempt to “rebrand” the Republican Party. It’s about time we got with the program. Cool, hip, new brands are just what young people identify with. Just look at the success “rebranding” has enjoyed in the past.

There once was a fast food chain called “Burger King” that was getting it’s ass kicked by McDonalds all the time. They dropped all those extraneous letters and emerged as BK. The same thing happened with another fast food chain called Kentucky Fried Chicken. Apparently these companies decided that extra letters were the problem, not the shitty service and products at their restaurants.

Dropping extra letters has not been the only rebranding scheme that has had success. Sometimes products have had letters added, or different words altogether put in their names.

For instance, bat-shit crazy has been rebranded under several different names that have enjoyed some modicum of success. One such label for bat-shit crazy was “Global Warming“. When people used to run around telling everyone that the world was going to end, they were just considered bat-shit crazy, and usually only achieved the level of standing on street corners holding cardboard signs while shouting at passers-by. When they decided that they needed a new name, they took on the moniker of “Global Warming” and lots of people bought into their apocalyptic visions of the oceans swallowing up whole countries. Indeed, some enterprising people have come up with ways to make millions by capitalizing on bat-shit crazy‘s new found success.

It appears the “Global Warming” brand may have run it’s course. Bat-shit crazy people have now rebranded their special version of bat-shit crazy as “Climate Change” since it appears the prophecies of the bat-shit crazy community were wrong. “Global Warming” or as it is now known “Climate Change” is not the only version of bat-shit crazy to enjoy success.

There was once a time when people who believed the source of all human problems is an ancient alien race, they were considered bat-shit crazy, and relegated to standing on street corners holding cardboard signs while shouting at passers-by. At some point, a brilliant, but bat-shit crazy, marketer named L. Ron Hubbard decided to rebrand his version of bat-shit crazy as a religion called “Scientology.” He went from standing on street corners holding cardboard signs while shouting at passers-by to getting gazillions of dollars from vapid celebrities and plebes alike. His version of bat-shit crazy is still going strong today.

The success of rebranding is not exclusive to bat-shit crazy or fast food restaurants. Mass murder also enjoyed some success after being rebranded by a charismatic chap with a funny mustache. That chap, who by the way was also bat-shit crazy, was Adolf Hitler. He decided that mass murder needed a new brand. He called it “The Final Solution”. Germans bought into it by the truck load. Once Hitler enacted this deft marketing strategy, he wiped out about a million Jews. That’s some serious brand power.

As you can see, rebranding is a powerful strategy that breeds success. You can’t argue with the results. Can we dupe a shitload of ignorant ovines? Yes, we can!

You can read more of JumpOut’s bat-shit crazy at his law enforcement humor blog, You Should Be Tasered