Do you read Professor Bainbridge? I happened across this elitist asshat while surfing the web instead of working. Let me quote Bainbridge and let’s see if you can figure out why I’ve decided to hate him:

That’s not pop culture. That’s rural Southern culture. Nascar. The opiate of the good ol’ boy masses. Gary Cooper. A great movie, but hardly au courant. George Strait, gawd help us.

Between Clinton and Bush 43 we’ve been ruled by Southerners for the last 4 presidential terms and Barnett wants to foist yet another good ol’ boy on us. Not that there’s anything wrong with Southerners, per se, of course. But maybe it’s time to let a Yankee city boy have a chance?

This is his response to Dean Barnett wondering what a presidential candidate that is well versed in pop culture (cringe). Not that I particularly agree or disagree with Barnett’s premise, or his idea of pop culture. The Barnett quote he uses is this:

Now imagine what a candidate could get done if he achieved fluency in pop culture. Picture a candidate who could effortlessly segue from paying homage to Dale Earnhardt’s #3 to saying how much High Noon has always meant to him. Conjure up a contender who could unashamedly admit that if owning every George Strait record makes him a square, so be it, and then quickly pivot to the many times tears welled in his eyes when sports heroes like Curt Schilling or Willis Reed rose above pain to perform in an almost super-human fashion.

While I am certainly no fan of country music or ASSCAR, it makes me blind with rage when the elitist prof suggests that because these things are southern in origin that makes them less relevant. You know, because UCLA law professors make such great contributions to the world. What is it they give us? More liars lawyers. Great, just what we needed. More left coast, elitist, asshat lawyers.

That notwithstanding, I may have been able to give the pudgy dweeb a break, but this is what made the blood shoot out of my eyesockets:

In fact, as long as we’re on the subject of useless Presidential criteria, here’s some more things I’d like to see in the next President:

* Knows which wine to match with the foie gras-stuffed quail being served at a state dinner
* Won’t wink at the Queen
* Doesn’t hunt, fish, or go with girls who do
* Smokes cigars
* Is sometimes accused of having a metrosexual streak
* Only drinks beer with foods that would score at least 10,000 on the Scoville scale
* Can credibly debate the relative claims of The Matrix, Star Wars, Bladerunner, and Star Trek II to be the greatest science fiction movie of all time
* Can credibly debate the relative claims of The Who and Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band to be the world’s greatest rock and roll band
* Came from a state that didn’t secede
* Can recite at least one Monty Python skit from memory
* Can credibly debate the relative claims of Blazing Saddles, The Producers, and Young Frankenstein to be Mel Brook’s best movie, while explaining why Spaceballs is a candidate for the worst movie ever
* Has never sat through an entire Woody Allen movie, an entire Nascar race, or an entire Dixie Chicks concert
* Wouldn’t camp out 5 days to get Garth Brooks tickets even if s/he was camping at the time
* Went to Germany on vacation because s/he couldn’t find a highway with high enough speed limits in the US
* Prefers football to basketball to baseball to soccer
* Doesn’t play golf
* Doesn’t bowl
* Has no kids to foist subsequent generations of politicians on us
* Has a spouse with no political ambitions
* Lives with at least one golden retriever

Great, the prof is a wine-snob and a geek, and thinks our next president should be a pretentious douche just like him. We’ll do this his way, with the good ole unordered list:

• knowing what foie-gras isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but bragging that you know what it is and what wine goes with it makes you an asshole.
• I want a president that would not only wink at the queen, but would shun her sexual advances leaving her all hot bothered for the plane ride back. Sheesh, I’d feel sorry for whatever Royal Marine she uses as a boy-toy
• What’s wrong with hunting and fishing? Just because you’re a pussy doesn’t mean the president should be
• You want a president that smokes cigars? I thought pretentious west coast asshats like you were trying to ban smoking for our own good.
• A President with a metrosexual streak? Yeah, another Breck Girl. Great. Whoopee. A president that will blow off getting blown by an intern to watch Gray’s Anatomy.
• There are foods that score less than 10,000 SHU?
• Is it also required that they can name all the Uncanny X-Men, and speak in Klingon? Maybe they should sing a few Weird Al songs on the floor of the UN too. I guess next you’ll want a President that plays Magic: The Nerdening!
• Bruce Springstein is not Rock and Roll, and Elvis Presley is going to come out of the witness protection program to whoop your ass for even suggesting such blasphemy. May the Ghost of Darrell Abbott haunt you in your sleep for eternity, and Ronnie Van Zant’s ghost tea bag you for breakfast lunch and dinner for the rest of your life.
• And you yankee pukes claim the south needs to get over the War for Southern Independence
• Okay, I concede the Monty Python/Dixie Chicks/Woody Allen/ASSCAR/Garth Brooks thing
• Couldn’t find a high enough speed limit? Since when does a President give a flying fuck about speed limits? What? Is Smokey gonna write him a ticket?
• Can’t argue with the football thing either
• You want a president that doesn’t play golf, or bowl? How about we get one that likes to go antiquing, or scrapbooking? I know, maybe we’ll have a president that does Decoupage! Yay!
• Why do you hate The Cheeeeldren™ so?
• By the end of this list, I would have expected you to request a President that was a shut-in with a hundred and fifty cats.

See, slick, it’s pretentious asshats like you that keep the Confederate Battle Flags flying.

I’d settle for a President that isn’t a pretentious snob that looks down his nose at those that aren’t as effeminate as him. Hell, if you had your way, the President of the US would address foreign dignitaries with a laurel and hearty “live long and prosper”.

Not that there’s anything wrong with pretentious, elitist, asshats, per se…

Hey, if you want to read some lawyerly writing, check this out. Thanks KC!

**

Humor-Blogs.com honors the memory of Darrell Abbott and KNOWS that Spaceballs kicked ass!

I know some of you may be mad at my good comrade, FIAR, for his new editorial policy. I must say I hold no ill will towards my long-time comrade. I don’t think I have ever agreed with someone as much as I have with my comrade. Comrade FIAR and I almost share a brain, but we don’t agree on everything.

Sure, we both hate hippies. We hate liberals. We hate leftists. We hate Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama. I even understand where my comrade is coming from. When there is sand, one must draw a line in it. That is the way of things. While some of us “front page” bloggers want to use the whole beach for our amusement, comrade FIAR has decided that he doesn’t want Radioactive Liberty associated with the farthest reaches of the beach. After all, it is dark and scary over there, and who wants to be associated with dark and scary. Well, I do. But I can’t speak for this blog.

I mean, this is FIAR’s hotdog, I’m just the mustard. He’s banging this chicken, I’m just holding the tail. He’s made Radioactive Liberty the blogospheric force it is, and I am thankful to comrade FIAR for allowing me to benefit from it.

Alas, it now appears we’re going in two different directions. Comrade FIAR decided he would go here and no further, and demanded his co-bloggers stand with him. I wasn’t satisfied. I went further, and violated comrade FIAR’s manifesto. Well, now I’m just rambling. Let me end with this thought: I have no idea where this post was going, but Victoria Beckham sure is hot.

In reference to FIAR’s line in the sand, I post this response (Click To Hugeify):

Now! Fire me if you must, but a man’s got to stand up for his principles…or lack thereof.

I guess by now you folks are wondering where FIAR has been. He hasn’t posted or commented in quite a while. Well, I know what happened, but I promised his family I’d keep it quiet. But what the hell, right? We’re like family here. I can tell you.

See FIAR is dead. While that may not surprise you, the way he went could change the way you look at religion and Christmas forever.

You all know FIAR is an atheist, right? Little, “a”, not big “a”, because he’s an atheist in that he doesn’t believe in God, but he’s not a member of that national Atheism church like those douchebags that are always trying to take God out of the pledge, and In God We Trust off of money, and Manger Scenes out of City Hall.

FIAR actually liked Christmas. It’s hard to beat the joy of seeing a child’s face when they receive that perfect Christmas present. He was all into the holiday, the decorating, the gifts, and the eating. It is all loads of fun, after all, who would deny an atheist the joys of Christmas given to us by our Lord and Savior, The Baby Jesus?

God, that’s who. Apparently God doesn’t like it when Baby Jesus hating atheists participate in Christmas. God doesn’t like people not believeing in him, whether they believe in him or not. So, in a prime example of Karmic justice, FIAR was putting up his manger scene, he climbed a ladder to place the Star atop the manger, a mighty wind blew, knocking FIAR off the ladder. He fell into the manger where he was impaled by The Baby Jesus.

Witnesses said they could hear the words, “You Baby Jesus hating atheist ::shakes fist::” in the wind that day. So Wild Bill, you better watch out.

Okay, now that FIAR is dead, and I have the keys to his blog, I think this is now my blog, and as such, all traffic for Radioactive Liberty is now mine!

Xposted @ Fmragtops Spews

I don’t know what the hell he’s getting at, but FIAR and Fmragtops are two seperate people. I mean, just because we have never been seen in the same place at the same time doesn’t prove anything. I’m sure we’ve posted different things at the same time before. Is it so hard to believe? Hell, Sssasquatch has even seen FIAR, or someone claiming to be FIAR, there is no way to be sure. (Now that’s some irony, isn’t it?) Someone claiming to be Fmragtops has called in to The Passionate America Show on several occasions when FIAR was away on vacation, or having computer problems. Coincidence? I think not. It’s obvious that FIAR needed someone to cover for him, and called his old buddy, Fmragtops.

Anyhoo, that crap about us being the same person is a bunch of paranoid crazy-talk by people that collect Star-Wars Dolls, and people that write a whole post that is a conversation with themselves. Yeah, there are some reliable sources for you.

Trust me, we are two, completely different people. There is no conspiracy. Move along, there is nothing to see here.

The fact that we switched from Blogger to AN Hosting with WordPress blogs doesn’t mean anything. So what if we are both hatefilled men with delusions of grandeur, and a violent thirst for hippie blood and oil. It’s only a coincidence. Just like the fact that we use [impalingspike>©, MONGER HORDE™, and BACON® as powerful rhetorical tools. It’s not evidence of multiple personality disorder.

The next time someone suggests that we are actually the same person, you just tell them you know better. It’s impossible for one person to contain so much hate, angst, and violent delusions. Come on, people. What are we? DUmmies?

Since FIAR has sold out and become a damn, dirty, stinkin’, hippy, I have decided to mutiny. How can I contribute to a site run by a hippy that hasn’t had a bath in two days. I condemn his dirty, stinkin’, hippyness! *Shakes fist in condemnation in the general direction of PA* I am aware that FIAR has been a good blogfriend to me. He worked harder than I did when I switched from blogsnot to AN Hosting, and he allowed me to ambush his readers occasionally with my crappy writing about impaling hippies, and he did most of the work on the Carnival of Comedy on Blogs For House. However, due to his newly found hippyism, I have carefully thought out this measured and proportional response.

I must apologize for any indifference this mustiny may cause to you, the RL readers, but this is the only way. Fortunately, I know where FIAR lives, and as you read this I am on my way to PA to promptly impale him. Since I have mutinyed this site, it needs a new name. I was thinking of Fmragtops Liberty. I don’t know, what do you guys think? Leave suggestions in the comments section. Thatisall.

********

UPDATED: It’s done. FIAR is now suspended from a pike in his backyard. He’ll soon assume room temperature….Well, outside air temperature. It was for your own good, buddy. Luckily I have a copy of his living will here:

I, FIAR, being of sound mind and body, do hereby declare that if I am ever converted to hippyism, I do not wish to live. I impart the task of ending my misery on Fmragtops. For his effort in this endeavor, I leave him all my worldly possessions.

Affiant’s Signature
FIAR

We here at Radioactive Spewage, bring you a historical event. The first ever mercy impaling.

In case you don’t believe we are currently embroiled in a World War, it appears India and Pakistan are getting in on the act. [Ctrl+C/Ctrl+V]

AP via Yahoo News

BOMBAY, India – India’s prime minister said Friday the Bombay train bombers were “supported by elements across the border” and that Pakistan must rein in terrorists before a peace process can move ahead.

In Islamabad, Pakistani Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Tasnim Aslam said Singh’s accusations were “unsubstantiated, and we have already rejected them.” She urged the peace process to go forward.

Correct me if I am wrong, but aren’t India and Pakistan nuclear? Fun times ahead.

What? That first quote isn’t enough to make you believe that India and Pakistan are about to go tete a tete? Try this one on for size, from the same article: [Ctrl+C/Ctrl+V]

An Indian Home Ministry official said that among the leads investigators were pursuing was the possible involvement of the outlawed Students Islamic Movement of India, which may have been aided by Pakistan’s Inter-Services Intelligence agency. The official requested anonymity because the inquiry is ongoing.

Pakistan also dismissed that allegation.

Granted, this doesn’t prove that Pakistan was involved with the Bombay train bombing, but it pretty clearly shows that India thinks that Pakistan is at the very least not doing enough to fight terrorism, and possibly that India believes the Pakistani government is providing material support for the terrorists that did this.

This is nothing short of a World War. Libtards like to talk about connecting the dots. Well, connect these frikkin dots, the US is engaged in fighting islamofascists in Iraq and Afghanistan, Great Britain is helping there as well, Israel is ramping up attacks against Hamas and Hezbollah. India and Pakistan are posturing for a possible scuffle. North Korea and Iran are rattling their nuclear sabers, and it’s widely believed that at least Iran has a hand in the violence targeting Israel. Russia, China, France, and Germany are resisting us every step of the way when it comes to taking action in any of these hot-spots presumably because they are supplying weapons to the islamofascists, and China, who covets Taiwan with whom we have an obligation to protect, is talking out of both sides of it’s mouth in regards to North Korea.

Best case scenario: These are isolated incidents that are going to pull the world into a protracted war against islamofascism.

Worst Case Scenario: These are coordinated incidents with our enemies pulling the strings in which case we’re about to get sucker punched…Again.

One more intersting quote: [Ctrl+C/Ctrl+V]

On Thursday, a man claiming to represent al-Qaida reportedly claimed the terror network had set up a wing in Muslim-majority Kashmir, where Islamic militants have been fighting for years for independence from predominantly Hindu India or union with mostly Muslim Pakistan.

There was no way to immediately verify the al-Qaida claim. If true, it would be the first time Osama bin Laden’s network has claimed to have spread into Indian territory.

It appears OBL will just set up shop wherever terrorism is tolerated. If this doesn’t suggest to you the importance of the entire world being vigilant against the spread of Islamofascism, then report immediately to The Daily Kos, where you can be debriefed by fearless leader.

It’s time buckle down and knuckle up. Shit’s getting hairy.

See also RichJ’s post that started this line of thought.

X-Posted at Aggressive Tendencies

Trackbacked (or trackedback) at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler – Posts like this are why Misha is one of my blog-heros.

In a press conference today, highly respected international human rights group, Sweet Humans In Turbins (SHIT) Press Secretary, Ahma Dumfuk, responded today to terrorists killing 15 soldiers in Iraq.

“The terrorists in Iraq are brutal murderous thugs that should stand trial for warcrimes. The wholesale slaughter of the mighty Iraqi soldiers should not be accepted. There is no threat in this world today greater than that of the terrorists operating in Iraq.”

SHIT has been very outspoken at the way the terrorist bombings in Iraq have repeatedly targeted innocent victims like Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. Dumfuk says his organization will continue to “stand against the cowardly acts of the terrorists in Iraq.” Dumfuk points to the terrorists making military targets out of old folks homes, forcing soldiers to bomb them as examples of the terrorists’ cowardice.

SHIT’s spokesman went on to call down America In Iraq leader, George W. Bush, for what he called human rights violations in connection with the kidnapped soldiers being held in Guantanimo Bay, Cuba. Dumfuk listed the extreme temperature variances, sleep deprivation, loud music, and forcefeeding the the kidnapees are subjected to as “abominations” that can not be tolerated by the civilized world.

An unnamed source, a terrorist speaking under condition of anonymity, said,

“Terrorists in G’itmo kill small children, women, and unarmed civilians on a regular basis. They impale the kidnapped victims, then set them on fire, and feed the remains to their demon-possessed pit-bulls.”

When asked what SHIT’s position was on the beheading of two captured American terrorists Dumfuk responded,

“We were on the left. How do you expect the soldiers to react when you bomb their rightful leaders? The pressure on them is so great that sometimes they just snap.”

During the press conference, Dumfuk expressed gratitude for “progressive americans” that continue to boost the morale of the soldiers in Iraq. Specifically thanking John Murtha, John Kerry, and Al-MSM for “fighting for what’s right in the world.”

Murtha, Kerry, and members of Al-MSM have consistently derided their terrorist forces for being too brutal, and the criminal actions consistently committed by members of America In Iraq. Murtha, Kerry, and Al-MSM are the few leaders that reach out to the soldiers in Iraq, giving them comfort and words of encouragement to continue their righteous war against oppression.

UPDATE: It appears a terrorist bombing killed a poor clergyman, and the terrorists avoid a cunning trap by soldiers.

X-posted on Fmragtops Spews