You probably think you know the story behind the celebration of Independence Day on July 4th.

You would be wrong.

The Declaration of Independence was an expansion on the [Richard Henry] Lee Resolution, passed on July 2, 1776. The Declaration in it’s current version was adopted on July 4 by the Second Continental Breakfast.

During the reign of King George III, aka “the Chimperor,” diplomatic relations between the American Colonies, and Great Britain began to strain. Many Colonists objected to the King’s tyrannical reign and his appointment of “culture of corruption” crooks and cronies to key positions. One of the major objections was that representatives did not truly represent the people of America because, like King George himself, they were selected, not elected.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Satan is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let the Facts be submitted to a candid world.

Life was hard in the colonies – and things only got worse, due to an unforeseen illegal alien problem.

Giant spaceships hovered over many of the world’s largest cities, destroying major landmarks, like the White House and the Statue of Liberty. Many called for enforcement of the current laws, and a “border fence,” which probably wouldn’t have done much good against spaceships anyway.

Instead of border enforcement, King George called for a “comprehensive immigration reform” and a “path to citizenship” for the invaders. He pointed out that it was not possible to deport the swarm of migrant workers back to their home planet, and that they were simply destroying the iconic landmarks that no American would destroy.

Although the resulting murder of millions of Americans was claimed to have been at the hands of Alien invaders, it was clear that it was an inside job. The King wanted to protect his cronies in Big Tea and Big Fur, and orchestrated the attacks to silence his critics. We know this because, even though fire has never melted steel, one city after another was destroyed in what looked like a controlled demolition.

It was most certainly not unreasonable to think so. The King had often employed mercenaries and Native Americans to cause trouble among the Colonies. In the Declaration of Independence it is written:

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages “Dirty Brown People” whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

Other grievances against the King included the mishandling of the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, tax cuts for the wealthiest 1%, and a failure to pass nationalized health care.

On July 3, 1776 John Adams wrote to his wife, Abigail:

The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more.

He was right about the idea, but wrong about the date. Two hundred and… whatever years later, we still celebrate Independence Day.

Related: Bastille Day
A History of Groundhog Day
Great Moments in Hezbollah History

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… Only if you’re a sub-retarded Hollyweird writer would you think that.

With all the evidence to the contrary, like: Jayson Blair, Fauxtoshopped pictures that add in more smoke, staged fauxtos of Israeli “atrocities,” fake but accurate National Guard documents, et cetera, et cetera.

Passing through the living room the other day, some movie or TV show was on. I don’t know what it was, but it had cut-rate acting, and no doubt, an insipid and tedious plot.

How do I know that the movie sucked? It only took a few seconds of the pathetic acting and hack writing to convince me.

Woman: You’re a reporter. You’re supposed to report facts, not conjecture and innuendo. You’re supposed to be able to back up those facts with evidence and corroboration.

Reporter: Do you think I would have reported that if I didn’t have my facts straight?

Bwahahahahahahahaha!

Stop! My sides are splitting! “News” reporters report facts? The BBC says no. In fact they are apologizing for reporting factually correct information.

The BBC apologized this week for referring to Jerusalem as Israel’s capital, and promised not to repeat “the mistake,” following a complaint by four British organizations. [H/T Misha]

That’s right, the “News” actually reports accurate information for once, and they are publicly and formally retracting because Islamic Rage Boy is threating and all night CarBQ Block Party™.

I quit! I give up. I can’t parody this shit anymore when the Lunatics running the Asylum insist on making themselves look more ridiculous than I could ever hope to do.

How am I supposed to write for Humor-Blogs.com when the Reality Freebased Community keeps out doing anything I could possibly come up with?

I think we all know that people don’t kill people. Guns do. They’re just born with the genetic programming for evil. In fact, guns have an entire chromosome dedicated to being evil. It’s true. Look it up.

I can’t tell you how many times I have read a story about an evil gun planting itself in the hands of an innocent civilian, and discharging itself into the body of another innocent civilian, ruining two lives in the process. The life of the person the gun viciously murdered, and the life of the poor, helpless soul that has now been ruthlessly framed for murder by the evil gun.

It’s common knowledge that if we take guns off the streets, violent crime will cease to exist. Then we will live in peaceful tranquility. Life will be a Utopian dream of apple trees and honey bees and snow white turtle doves.

That’s why I find it so disconcerting when I see something like this (H/T Wyatt Earp):

Speeding Car Pins Undercover Cop During Northern Liberties Bust
by KYW’s Michelle Durham

Two Philadelphia undercover officers were injured — one critically — on Wednesday morning after being struck by a car in Northern Liberties while in the process of arresting a robbery suspect.

Police say the suspect’s brother was behind the wheel of the car and exclaimed, “You’re not going to arrest my brother” before gunning the accelerator and trapping one officer between the vehicle and a utility pole. The other officer was thrown onto the hood of the car

…

According to police, the plainclothes policemen were in the midst of making an arrest at Orianna and Wildey Streets, with the suspect of a Tuesday robbery in custody and in handcuffs, awaiting a van to pick up the suspect when the car came at them. (Emph. Mine)

Obviously, I’m having a great deal of difficulty in comprehending this story. I suppose that it’s possible that the car is evil. I scoured the story several times looking for the part where an evil gun was brandished, but it seems like we are simply left to believe that the car was used as an intended weapon.

Perhaps the reporter is some sort of gun-toting nutjob that wants us to believe that violent people do violent things, and purged the story of all firearm references. I just don’t know. What I do know is, aside from guns, the only things that kill people are: Bush, Capitalism, Global Warming, second hand smoke, and trans fats.

Indeed, this signals a disturbing possibility. It may all just be gun-nut propaganda, but what if – just what if -the gun violence culture in America has become so deeply embedded in the American psyche that it’s now too late?

Could it be possible for people to use non-firearm related things for the destruction of human life? The possibilities are terrifying, especially considering how many of these are common household items: Cars, rocks, baseball bats, drain cleaner, rope, pens, screwdrivers, hammers, kitchen knives, lawnmower blades, box cutters, commercial airliners. Could any of these things be used to do harm, and why do I sense an eerie correlation between the last two items on the list?

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