Or The Obamunist Manifesto

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the ideal of the individual that has allowed individuals to fail or succeed on their own merit and to become primarily devoted to the advancement of the collective and it’s agenda, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the abolishment.

We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men should be made to be the same, and are endowed by their government with certain inconstant rights that are to be changed as the government sees fit to protect man from himself, and swell the federal tax coffers. — That to administer these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from their good intentions and the ignorance of the governed, — That whenever any individual becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the government to jail it, shoot it, or to legislate and/or tax it into oblivion, and to institute new Government programs, laying its foundation on safety, and the populace’s inability to discern. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed. Ever. But when a long train of individuals and their lamentations, questioning invariably their government being reduced to absolute despotism, it is their government’s right, it is their government’s duty, to become increasingly more rigid, and to provide new Guards for government’s future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of this government; and such is now the necessity which constrains it to alter its former Systems of Government. The history of the former President’s of the United States is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny of the individual over the collective. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

Some individuals have excess, while others have none.

Individuals have forbidden their Government to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless the government could reasonably show that the laws would not intrude on individual liberty.

Individuals have tried to stop their government from levying unnecessary taxes against them.

Some individuals have done harm to others.

In every stage of these Oppressions the government has tried to circumvent these protestations through the judiciary. Still, the tyranny of individual liberty protests.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the government of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of this government, solemnly publish and declare, That this united government is, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent from the tyranny of individualism, and that all political protection of the individual from the government ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent government, we have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things with no regard to the will of the individual. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of total prohibition on the individual to keep and bear arms, we pledge to destroy the individuals’ Lives, their Fortunes, and their sacred Honor.

JumpOut is currently declaring his independence at his law enforcement humor blog, You Should Be Tasered

How’s everyone doing tonight? Yeah, I just flew in from Louisiana, and boy are my arms tired!

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Man, that Wanda Sykes, she sure is funny. Funny-looking!

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I know, I know, she’s a lesbian crack-whore, and I hope she contracts AIDS, and dies!

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Seriously, though, I’d like to see her go hunting with Dick Cheney, and get shot in the face with a shotgun and die!

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Dick Cheney would indeed shoot her in the face. Her face is so ugly, I’m surprised she doesn’t die every time she looks in the mirror!

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You know what would be funnier? If she was walking down the street, and got gang-raped to death!

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That’s funny right there, I don’t care who you are.

Ooo, ooo, even funnier than that would be if she were in the next skyscraper some terrorists flew a plane into, and she had to choose whether to jump to her death, or burn to death in the giant fireball!

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Which one would she would choose? Who cares!

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I know this little confabulation is supposed to be about President Obama. His speech was funny. The only thing that could have made it funnier is if he died from kidney failure during it!

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You know what else would be funny? If right after he delivered his line about Dick Cheney’s book, How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People, a sniper shot him in the face!

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Do you remember when Gerald Ford used to fall down getting off Air Force One? President Obama should do that while Air Force One is flying!

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This audience sucks! You didn’t laugh at one of my funny jokes. You should all die from leukemia!

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You can find more funny jokes at JumpOuts law enforcement humor blog You Should Be Tasered

Possible GOP candidates launched a listening tour in an attempt to “rebrand” the Republican Party. It’s about time we got with the program. Cool, hip, new brands are just what young people identify with. Just look at the success “rebranding” has enjoyed in the past.

There once was a fast food chain called “Burger King” that was getting it’s ass kicked by McDonalds all the time. They dropped all those extraneous letters and emerged as BK. The same thing happened with another fast food chain called Kentucky Fried Chicken. Apparently these companies decided that extra letters were the problem, not the shitty service and products at their restaurants.

Dropping extra letters has not been the only rebranding scheme that has had success. Sometimes products have had letters added, or different words altogether put in their names.

For instance, bat-shit crazy has been rebranded under several different names that have enjoyed some modicum of success. One such label for bat-shit crazy was “Global Warming“. When people used to run around telling everyone that the world was going to end, they were just considered bat-shit crazy, and usually only achieved the level of standing on street corners holding cardboard signs while shouting at passers-by. When they decided that they needed a new name, they took on the moniker of “Global Warming” and lots of people bought into their apocalyptic visions of the oceans swallowing up whole countries. Indeed, some enterprising people have come up with ways to make millions by capitalizing on bat-shit crazy‘s new found success.

It appears the “Global Warming” brand may have run it’s course. Bat-shit crazy people have now rebranded their special version of bat-shit crazy as “Climate Change” since it appears the prophecies of the bat-shit crazy community were wrong. “Global Warming” or as it is now known “Climate Change” is not the only version of bat-shit crazy to enjoy success.

There was once a time when people who believed the source of all human problems is an ancient alien race, they were considered bat-shit crazy, and relegated to standing on street corners holding cardboard signs while shouting at passers-by. At some point, a brilliant, but bat-shit crazy, marketer named L. Ron Hubbard decided to rebrand his version of bat-shit crazy as a religion called “Scientology.” He went from standing on street corners holding cardboard signs while shouting at passers-by to getting gazillions of dollars from vapid celebrities and plebes alike. His version of bat-shit crazy is still going strong today.

The success of rebranding is not exclusive to bat-shit crazy or fast food restaurants. Mass murder also enjoyed some success after being rebranded by a charismatic chap with a funny mustache. That chap, who by the way was also bat-shit crazy, was Adolf Hitler. He decided that mass murder needed a new brand. He called it “The Final Solution”. Germans bought into it by the truck load. Once Hitler enacted this deft marketing strategy, he wiped out about a million Jews. That’s some serious brand power.

As you can see, rebranding is a powerful strategy that breeds success. You can’t argue with the results. Can we dupe a shitload of ignorant ovines? Yes, we can!

You can read more of JumpOut’s bat-shit crazy at his law enforcement humor blog, You Should Be Tasered