Good evening, I’m Geraldo Rivera. You may remember me from such programs as The Mystery of Al Capone’s Vault, Geraldo at Large, or as a guest on The O’Reilly Factor where I said “Michelle Malkin is the most vile, hateful commentator I’ve ever met in my life. She actually believes that neighbors should start snitching out neighbors, and we should be deporting people. It’s good she’s in D.C. and I’m in NY. I’d spit on her if I saw her.” I apologized, but we all know I really mean it.

But just maybe you’re that one person who actually read my book, His Panic: Why Americans fear Hispanics in the U.S. Get it, His Panic, Hispanic? Catchy title huh?

Tonight we’re coming to you live from New Jersey. What you see behind me is a slaughterhouse. And yes, I was married to Kurt Vonnegut’s daughter, so don’t start with the Slaughterhouse-Five cracks. I’m glad he’s dead. I got tired of being made fun of by that miserable, old hack. Could he have come up with His Panics? I don’t think so. Cat’s Cradle, Breakfast of Champions, what schlock!

But let’s get back to the subject at hand.

Here in this place of death, I’ll be looking for the Missing GOP.

The slaughterhouse seemed like a fitting metaphor for the annihilation of the Republican Party at the hand of our beloved leader, President Barack Obama. Through his wisdom and far reaching campaign strategy he was, single-handedly, able to turn back the Bush Sea, parting it with a wave of his hand and setting into motion a cleansing stream of fresh ideas, that will transform our beleaguered nation into the harmonious, One World Nirvana that we radicals have always dreamt it could be. [Sigh]

Republicans are like these cows. [waving his hand toward some cows] They stand around all day long, just consuming and dumping on Mother Earth. They foul the air with their methane rich flatulence, raising the global temperature…and think it’s the smell of progress. They, ah *Bleep*! I just stepped in a big, wet pile of cow *Bleep*! These are $400 Italian loafers, how I’m I ever going to get the f*Bleep*ng smell out of these?

And don’t worry about my language. Obama wants honest reporters to tell the truth. Unlike those lying son’s of *Bleep* on the right. They’re going to get what they deserve too.

Oh wait, I get it, it’s another metaphor! Obama is the metaphysical Odor Eater. Only he can purge the smell of death from the political landscape and plant the scented flowers that will bloom in the spring, along our journey toward everlasting summer! Brilliant! This man, no, this miracle of nature, is brilliant! The more I think of him, the more I see his great inner depth.

Anyway, the Republicans have all but…

What *bleep*ing genius! No, not the mothe*Bleeeeeep* GOP. I couldn’t give a rat’s *bleep* less about them. I’m talking about our Savior, the One who will lead us out of this darkness, into the bright light of truth.

It’s all becoming clear to me now.

I’m beginning to understand. I’m part of His plan. All liberals are! I can see the path, His path to redemption. These cow patty encrusted shoes are more than a metaphor, they’re a sign!

I will walk in *Bleep* all the day long [stomping around the feed lot] and revel in it’s magnificent stench, for I know that He will cleanse me!

I am unworthy of licking the soles of His *bleep* covered shoes, but I can lick clean my own! I will wallow [now wallowing] in the warm, wet manure of His grace.

Another revelation! Praise Obama! This is His Communion! The cow *Bleep* represents His excreted ungodliness. He has emptied His bowels and transcended to the Highest Plane. Now we must cover ourselves in His symbolic waste to await atonement. We must pray for the yellow rain of blessed waters that will wash away our iniquities and allow us to be in His presents!

Hey! What are you doing? Let go of me! I’m Geraldo fuc*Bleep* Rivera! I’m famous!

Are you guys still getting all of this on camera?

We’re live you know! This is being broadcast around the world!

I said let go! I don’t give a flying *Bleep* who you say you are! I need to stay here and beg for forgiveness!

Obama will strike you down!

You’re not worthy…

Les James’ grassroots campaign to Impeach Obama can be found at political & military humor at Sideshow Mirrors.

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Important! This election day coverage will continue to update throughout the day. Please continue to come back and continue scrolling for updates.

Without seeing a single result, we are so confident here at Radioactive Liberty, that we’re declaring a two dimensional, scripted character with no real experience as the next President of the United States.

Today the combined talent of Fiar, Chris C and Les James will be giving you a unique perspective of the race for the White House, along with the mad dash to overpopulate the Senate and House with Democrats. Between the three of them, they have a combined 120 years of criticizing the left. Also joining us will be Monty Oscar Nelson-Battison of The Super Liberal to give us his take on this earth shaking event.

10:14 AM- Les:  So here we go.  There are already voting machines breaking down, unrest in the long lines and several reports of Kool-Aid stains on ballots. Record turn out is expected from the young voter (6-12 years old) disenfranchised illegal alien and dead population segments. Check back often through out the day for updates. All times are given as Eastern Standard.

11:34 AM- Les: The AP is now reporting that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, an ardent Obama supporter, has launched 5 Soviet AN 124 heavy transport aircraft. They are reported to be filed with Iran Republican Guard Peace Keeping forces.

Ahmadinejad, in a phone call to Obama HQ early this morning, stated that whether Obama should win or lose there would be civil unrest in the US, and Iran was prepared to help Obama gain his rightful place as leader of the United States.

The AN 124 is designed to hold 88 personnel but it is suspected that as many as 500 have been crammed into each plane. Dozens of older military aircraft and an unknown number of civilian planes have been pressed into service. They are being fueled and prepared to depart Iran if needed.

12:20PM- Chris: Off I go to fight through the crowds of suckling youth and their Obama and McCain signs thrust in my face. If anyone hits me up for an exit poll I’m telling them I voted for Ron Paul.

12:30PM- Fiar: Good news for the Military. You lay your life on the line for your country and we repay you by telling your vote doesn’t count. What a country!

1:30 PM- Les: There are scattered reports coming in from Philadelphia, Pennsylvanian that armed Black Panthers have taken over polling places and are voting repeatedly for Obama.  If any reader has seen this blatant act first hand, please drop us a message in the comments section. You are our eyes and ears out there.

1:45PM- Chris: Umm nobody asked me for any ID when I voted. Greaaattt

3:15PM- Fiar: Coatesville, PA. Reports are coming in of a deranged armed gunman terrorizing the Polling Place at Friendship Elementary School. The Gunman is described as blonde hair, blue sunglasses, no shirt, and wielding a large caliber handgun. Witnesses have reported that the assailant is running up and down the corridors yelling, “No matter who we choose, we lose!” Developing…

4:02PM- Chris: Glad I am not voting in Philadelphia. I think I would have to vote for Obama or else.

5:16 PM- Les: In the next few minutes we will have winner!  The first early exit polls will be released and the MSMs will declare Obama the clear victor.  We are all well aware that the reporters are always right. Just ask ‘em. So there is now no reason to rush out and vote if your polling places are still open.  Stand by for those results.

5:30PM- Chris: I saw how the exit polls say 67% of voters think Biden is fit to be President. Of course he is, that is why he won all those Democratic Primaries in the last like four elections.

6:52 PM- Les: “Voters in the Ohio valley area can expect early results of today’s election”, said an election official who asked to remain unnamed.  This official went on to say that, “the electronic voting machines are very quick, we can expect to see Obama taking a clear majority in the Ohio Valley area much sooner than  the outlying precincts will be able to report the same thing.”

7:05 PM- Les: Coatesville, PA. That deranged gunman has been talked out of the polling place at Friendship Elementary School by local police.  No shots were fired and there doesn’t appear to be any damage to the school. The man initially reported as not wearing a shirt was in fact not wearing pants either. One bystander said, “the only person who should be embarrassed is the naked guy.”  He was taken to the Brandywine Psychiatric facility and  dry cleaners, still chanting, “No matter who we choose, we loose.”

7:22PM- Fiar: I must have just missed the whole thing at Friendship Elementary. That’s my polling place. No one asked me for ID either. I think I voted either for Bob Barr or Chick-Fil_A. But I’m not sure, because I think the voting machine told me that I registered 622 votes for Obama.

7:30PM- Fiar: Early election results 2008 show McCain with a 52% to 47% lead over Obama. This is compelling evidence of vote fraud from the Republicans.

7:41 PM- Chris: I think it’s going to be a long night for the moonbats. I wish I could see them sweating it out. Would be the best reality show ever.

7:59PM- Fiar: McCain now disenfranchising voters everywhere with Kentucky and it’s 8 electoral votes and South Carolina and it’s 8 electoral votes expected to go to McCain, Obama projected to win Vermont and it’s 3 electoral votes.

8:00PM- Fiar: McCain finally stopped stealing the election. Obama is now projected to win ME-4 VT-3 MA-12 CT-7 NJ-15 DE-3 MD-10 DC-3 IL-21 and McCain is taking KY-8 SC-8 TN-11 OK-7 for a total of Obama 77 McCain 34. Dewey Wins!

8:27 PM- Chris: I love the irony of the fact that the 57% of people voting for Barack in NH are from Mass. They moved up here to get away from…wait for it…higher taxes!

8:51PM- Les:  This just in, the Four Horsepersons of the Obamalypse have just been spotted in up-state New Hampshire.  Coming out of the Blue, they seem to be heading south at this time. There still is hope, as they cannot cross Red territory, so we could see their crosscountry ride cut short in the Mid West.

8:56 PM- Super Liberal: The prophecy IS coming true! This is a glorious day…

9:01 PM- Chris: The Four Horsepersons just rode past my house! Hey, who let Monty out of his section?

9:25PM- Fiar: Obama now projected to also win NH-4 PA-21 MI-17 WI-10 MN-10 and McCain unjustly is projected to win WV-5 GA-15 AL-9 ND-3 WY-3 for a tally of 174-69. The rethuglicans will not steal this election.

9:38 PM- Super Liberal: I let myself out. Finally an honest election.

9:41 PM- Super Liberal: Now that I am out I can see the WHOLE post. You guys support Ron Paul? He’s a wingnut.

9:46 PM- Les: Well, there goes the neighborhood. With Ohio gone over to the Dark Side, the Horsepersons have momentum on their side.

9:52 PM- Chris: This just in: The deranged gunman, believed to be a drunken John Daly is now believed to be a drunken Dennis Kucinich.

9:57PM- Flowers Bloom: I’m Soooooo Proud of my country for the first time in my life! Based on the current projections, Obama only needs to take the 3 west coast states and it’s a victory, and I will never have to look at Sarah Palin’s face again! Lol. I’m so diverse and tolerant.

10:00PM- Flowers Bloom: Chris, I voted for Kucinich. He’s against guns.

10:13 PM- Super Liberal: First??!! What about when Carter was elected? Or when Mondale chose Ferraro? Anytime we can beat the wing nuts and can further liberalism is a day all of us should be proud to be Americans.

10:18 PM- Les: Fiar! Where’s that nickle plated 44 mag in the picture of you!

10:35 PM- Chris: Umm was it a good idea to let both these moonbats into the discussion? This is looking like we’re going down a bad road here.

10:40PM- Fiar: The 44. Yeah um. Not that I had anything to do with the deranged gunman at the poll, but uh… Let me get back to you on that. Chris, we’re on a bad road 2 Moonbats sneaking in or not.

10:45PM- Flowers Bloom: Oh joyous day for political humor! Al Franken is prjected to win! Yay!

11:01Pm- Chris: So they already have Obama projected to win and the crowds are going wild in Chicago. I second your thoughts Fiar, this won’t be a fun road.

11:03 PM- Les: I think the Talking Heads sang it best ‘Watch out, you might get what you’re after.’ I’ll follow that with: You got what you wanted, but you might not want what you got.

11:05PM- Flowers Bloom: I’m so overjoyed I am crying. We did it! We won! America will finally cease to be a terrible blight upon the world. OBAMA HAS WON! YES WE HAVE!

11:13PM- Super Liberal: The United States is back on track!

11:33PM- Fiar: Now I get to live my dream of having a “Uck Fobama” bumper sticker on my car. Does it get any better than this? Let’s all act like the moonbats for the last 8 years, but in reverse. We’ll piss and moan about moving to Canada, We’ll be filled with hate and rage despite living in luxury relative to the rest of the world.

11:47PM- Chris: I’ve already got my “Don’t Blame Me I Voted for McCain” T-shirts ready to wear for at least the next four years.

11:52PM- Flowers Bloom: Obama Elected President! Tonight we celebrate. Tomorrow we indict!

11:57PM- Chris: So now White Guilt has been appeased. Good job on that America.

12:15 PM- Les: I’m in satire heaven! I can hardly wait to pack the old 12 gauge with rock salt and give O’biden a double barreled blast of political humor. Four years of whining ahead of us.  “Oh those Republicans screwed this up so bad we can’t fix it.” While the MSMs lick the soles of the Chosen One’s sh*t covered feet and say it taste like chocolate. Look out you sad sacks of crap, I’m gunning for you.

12:34 AM- Chris: I don’t know if I would call it ‘heaven’ but an Obama Presidency at least has a lot more cannon fodder then a McCain one. Not much of a consolation prize.

12:53 AM- Chris: Well I guess Fiar and Les have gone to bed and Flowers and Super Liberal can’t find a place open with free wi-fi this late at night so it looks like this is it for Radioactive Liberty’s exclusive 2008 Election coverage. Good night everyone and we will see you tomorrow in a new era of even more socialism then the $700 billion bailout bill hoped to achieve.

You voted and you get what you voted for. Are you ready for all it entails?

Sleep tight America.

Miss Rupert’s second grade class from Hawaii have graciously agreed to help us. For a class project they will be filling in each state with either a red or blue crayon as results become available. They’ll stick around until it gets too late and they get sent off to bed. It is a school night after all.

10:16 AM- Les:  Miss Rupert’s students won’t be in class until about 11AM EST.  We don’t expect to hear anything from them before we have a clear winner in any of the states.

1:26 PM- Les:  We have just received an urgent text message from Miss Rupert.  Apparently several parents wearing Che T-shirts and Obama buttons have entered the classroom, and  taken control of the blue crayon and thrown out the red one.  These crayons were to be used to color-in the states. We’ll keep you informed as this dramatic story unfolds.

2:25PM- Chris: I have unconfirmed reports that order has been restored but now a faction of the same group is suing the local police for not responding in time to the crisis. It seems this splinter organization of the Weather Underground are experts in the tactic they like to call ‘Catch-22′. These are not confirmed so details may change as we get more information.

5:19 PM- Les:  It’s now confirmed. The red crayon has been recovered. The coloring exercise will commence as soon as results are in.

6:38 PM- Les: Miss Rupert wants to apologize for the drawing on the map.  The kids are getting restless.

7:13 PM- Chris: Sorry that was me that drew on the map. [hands back crayons to the kids]

7:48 PM- Les: Damn it Chris, start taking this serious.

8:11PM- Les: We’d like to thank the kids at Kayhill and their teacher Miss Rupert. She has called and said that it’s time for them to go home now.

Unlike so many others, we’ve not given up on Ron Paul. We’ll be keep you up to date on his electrifying bid for the White House.

10:18 AM- Les: No sighting so far of Ron Paul. If anyone has any information on his whereabouts, please let us know.

12:54 PM- Les: David Weigel at Reason.com report this tantalizing tidbit earlier today:

Democrat Obama defeated Republican John McCain by a count of 15 to 6 in Dixville Notch, where a loud whoop accompanied the announcement in Tuesday’s first minutes. The town of Hart’s Location reported 17 votes for Obama, 10 for McCain and two for write-in Ron Paul.

1:45PM- Chris: My operative live at the Ron Paul Headquarters tell me they do not yet have confirmation of a vote for him.

2:43PM- Les: There is some indication out there that Montana could now be the pivotal state in this election. Ron Paul is running there as a Constitution Party candidate. It’s expected that he could garner as much as 5% of the vote.  This could easily be the difference for either Obama or McCain gaining or losing those 3 electoral votes.

3:35PM- Chris: Pollsters have confirmed a blind woman in Nebraska voted for Ron Paul. Neither the voter nor the candidate were available to comment.

6:10PM- Chris: We have word that Ron Paul has in fact received one vote, his own. Here we go folks, Paulism is making a comeback.

8:34 PM- Chris: I just got a report that says Ron Paul has picked up an additional vote from his mom. My sources are trying to confirm if she is still alive.

9:21 PM- Chris: Come on Ron Paul!

10:25 PM- Les: I’ve been looking all over the web and can’t find any updates on Ron Paul.  This is just plan criminal.

10:20AM- Les: I suspect Monty is still sleeping.  Mommy hasn’t woke him up yet to give him his breakfast.

2:15PM- Super Liberal: [Yawn] Hey I heard that! For your information the wi-fi at the McDonald’s I am forced to blog from now that Starbucks is closed is spotty at best. Has Obama won yet?

3:04PM- Super Liberal: The craziest thing happened. I was registered twice! They told me it was okay though so I voted for Obama both times. Barack is gonna win, barack is gonna win…oh crap my wi-fi is going ou….

5:28PM- Super Liberal: I’m predicting a 60-40% win for Obama. Free health care everyone!

6:44PM- Super Liberal: The first thing I am going to do to celebrate Obama’s victory is to trade my food stamps for a bottle of Captain Morgan and get stinking drunk for free.

7:18 PM- Super Liberal: OMG! Obama is losing! Must-remain-calm. What?…What do you mean I have to buy more food to use the wi-fi? God Damn it I have to go find free wifi somewhere else. What a crucial moment…

7:54 PM- Super Liberal: The glitch in the Matrix is gone and Obama leads again. Happy days are hear again. Do you three smell what Barack is cooking?

8:42PM- Super Liberal: Who’s Dewey?

10:04PM- Flowers Bloom: I don’t know who Dewey is but I do know that we finally did it Monty! Utopia has finally arrived! I have been very successful financially over the last 8 years, but yet they have been the most miserable of my life. To see the America I love disintegrate before me, to see the value of liberty and concern for our fellow men and women diminish to the lowest depths has hollowed my heart. But with night comes the dawn of a new light and tomorrow hope will be reborn and humanity can rise out of the ashes of division once again. Yes we can!

Super Liberal: Flowers how can you be financially successful and not be one of our elite Democratic leaders? This is impossible. Only the chosen get that privilege. The rest of us are destined to be the ones that must fight the right-wing conspiracy while our leaders give us health care, food, and everything we need to stop the evil Republicans. What you are saying is blasphemy if you are not one of our leaders. We are not supposed to gain wealth and the ability to be self-sufficient on our own unless we are one of the chosen.

McCain doesn’t know what he could have done to win the election. I know what he could have done. Been a F’king conservative.

The Tygrrr Express is featuring an election roundup.

Also Election day news at Wake up America.

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No political humor existed in the Liberal blogsphere this week as they were up in arms over Barack Obama’s FOX News channel appearance. They were besmirched and besides themselves. Are you as giddy as I am? It makes me want to put on a pretty red sundress and frolic…um wait a minute, wrong blog.

So how mad are they?

“By going on Fox News, Obama made the right-wing press legitimate…Simply put, I cannot vote or support anyone who participates in this medium.” Daily Kos diarist “Bonddad”

(To be fair Bonddad’s quote was taken from the news story which paraphrased his words. But I don’t think it was out of context.)

“This will likely further dismay liberal bloggers who had worked very hard to get Dems to boycott Fox as a way of delegitimizing the network and who already criticized Obama for agreeing to appear in the first place…” TPM’s Greg Sargent.

They are so mad they forgot Hillary was on FOX five months ago when all the Democrats loved her. Unless the liberal bloggers deleted their posts I didn’t find nary a complaint. Nary! And nothing yet about her recent appearance on O’Reilly’s show.

Hypocrites.

On a side note, I would love to see Bonddad’s logic at work in the voting booth. Even Ralph Nader has been on FOX. I guess he could write in the liberal superhero Al Gore.

Look liberal bloggers, everyone is tired of your complaining that there is some kind of right-wing conspiracy and FOX is a part of it. You tried it before with the false claim of a ‘moral majority’ in the 1980’s. Like Randal Graves in Clerks, we do not appreciate your ruse, your cunning attempt to trick us.

So how do we know there isn’t a Vast Left-Wing/CNN Conspiracy? States are turning blue left and right. Congress is controlled by the Democrats. 27% of all voters have positive views of the Republican Party, the lowest level for either party ever.

You might have had a decent argument in the 1990’s but not now. Come back to us when you have concocted a new theory about why the Republicans are trying to keep you down even though you really are in charge. We are all set with your stories.

You have the majority, but it won’t last long. Most times when the sitting Prez is of one party the other gets Congress. No matter whether it is the Left or Right’s time it won’t last forever, so enjoy it and stop whining.

You never hear Republicans crying about a CNN boycott do you? Suck it up, walk it off and deal with the fact FOX News is a legitimate media source. The right said the same damn thing about the Cable News Network when it became the Democrat haven over a decade ago. They got over that one, get over the fact Fox News is a NEWS channel.

By boycotting it you make yourselves sound like the scared kid thinking there is a monster hiding in your room.

Humor-Blogs.com doesn’t boycott any news channel or blogs about humor for that matter.

Chris Cameron also writes a weekly Thursday column here at Radioactive Liberty as well as his own silly drivel at his humor blog Angry Seafood.

For Heath Ledger the worst thing about being dead - besides the not-living part – is that he will be forever known as the Brokeback actor. I know people are going to argue that his last role as the Joker will be the one we remember.

I would agree with you, except my mind is busy trying not to compare his final performance to Beetlejuice.

And what the hell was up with the massage therapist calling Mary Kate Olsen first? Apparently she needed advice on what to do next. I have never stumbled upon a dead body but I’m pretty sure I know the protocol.

1. Don’t touch the body except to see if they are alive.
2. Call 911.

Two easy steps.

When you are someone who felt the cold body, yet assumed Ledger was merely unconscious, would it be a too much of a reach to know what to do in that kind of emergency?

Last week:

• A dog saved a man from a fire.
• A cat dialed 911.
• Birds opened doors.

Yet a human dropped the ball.

The animals are clearly better at emergency procedures than humans, which is scary. What if they turn on us and use their advantage against us? Like in Planet of the Apes.

“C’mon Lassie, open the door so I can get out of the burning house.”
“I’m sorry Chris I can’t do that.” The dog says, ordering the parrot to clutch the doorknob thus preventing me from opening it.

Of course all I hear is barking so I have no idea the dog said that. The animals are sneaky that way.

There is no truth to the rumor that Mary Kate Olsen previously instructed the therapist to call her whenever a celebrity dies so she could get some free publicity out of it. Sure, it sounds macabre but famous people always ride the coattails of anything in the media for some attention.

Just ask Green Day. One of the many bands that used ‘Canon in D’ to create one of their most successful singles ‘Basket Case.’ It is no surprise that a group on its way out chose to hop on something familiar to go platinum.

Did Crosby Stills Nash and Young use ‘Ohio’ to create press for a world tour? Was Bob Dylan using the message of ‘Subterranean Homesick Blues’ to sell records?

In the end, Heath Ledger will be remembered for the guy who overdosed on six different meds and played a gay cowboy, while the rest of us got exposure from talking about it.

All aboard!

Chris Cameron’s other works of oddness, debauchery, and silliness can be read at Humor by Angry Seafood.

Humor-Blogs.com mourns the loss of Heath Ledger. Go there now to pay your respects.

Via the Al-Qaeda Times

MIAMI, March 26 — An accidental prescription drug overdose killed Anna Nicole Smith last month, the medical examiner who performed her autopsy said Monday.

Dr. Joshua A. Perper, the Broward County medical examiner, said he found traces of many drugs in Ms. Smith’s body, including muscle relaxants, pain relievers like methadone and several anti-anxiety medicines. Dr. Perper described her cause of death as combined drug intoxication, the primary drug being the potent sedative chloral hydrate.

What? When I posted about the Useless Twit dying I never would have guessed that it could have been an overdose. Who knew?

I am shocked! Shocked I say. Absolutely astonished.

In unrelated news, a panel of experts from the Bureaucratic Institute of Governmental Advanced Scientific Studies (BIGASS) has concluded a study and determined that water is wet.

Also, 6th graders agree, the Sun will rise in the East.

In related news, Al Gore commends Anna Nicole on her new Carbon Neutral lifestyle.

Editorial note: Did they misspell Dr. Pepper?

Bears Vs. Colts. Have at it.

On a completely unrelated note, I am in the process of nuking the hard drive on one of my computers. In a few minutes it will have a blank hard drive.

Back to football. Obviously the Bears are going to win because the Colts are gay. The Bears are gay too, but a Bear is a big burly gay guy, so obviously the big, burly gay guy wins over the gay guy that isn’t big and burly. My scientificalistical method is without any flaws. Bears will win.

Well, right off the kick. Bears FTW!111!!1

Bwahahahaha! I get to utter my favorite football phrase, Peyton Manning Chokes Again! The Bears seem to think they’re playing in some sort of championship or something. Curious.

Looks like the gay rodeo riders couldn’t rope the runner, which sets up a Bears TD. 14-6 Bears.

God Damn It! I go to a party for a few hours and somehow, when I wasn’t looking the damn Eagles Swap uniforms with the Bears. I swear, I’m watching the Eagles play the Dolts, except with Brett “Wrong Team” Favre playing as QB. 29-17 Colts.

I’m not sure where my infallible scientificalistical method went wrong, but it appears as if the Colts will win the game. I didn’t account for the Eagles playing in place of the Bears. That must be it.

Today we get to find out who plays New England in the Super Bowl.

Keep up to date on scores and results at

New Orleans 14 @ Chicago 39

Fmragtops is practicing his most potent voodoo spells, but so far that #1 Offense of the New Orleans Saints looks… Absent.

The Saints fumbled and gave the Bears a great opportunity. If the Bears had just taken the Field Goal in the first place, I would have said that the turnover cost them 3 points, but considering the number of opportunities the Bears blew down there, it’s a big win for the Saints to have held them to 3.

Did you know, a Bear is a big, burly gay guy? I’m just saying is all.

Halfway through the second. Bears lead 9-0. If this is going to be another soccer game like last week’s agonizing game, then I’m going to take a nap. I hope a football game breaks out before the half is over.

I gave the dogs a bath and finally some football gets played. 16-7 Bears lead at the half. Figures I’d miss the only worthwhile part of the half.

Reggie Bush takes it 88 yards and does a front flip into the end zone. 16-14. We looks to haves a football game!

The end there was just ugly and brutal. After a short momentum shift at the end of the first half and the beginning of the second half in favor of the Saints, it was all Bears. Final 39-14 Bears. I’m not particularly surprised that a dome team performed poorly in the cold rain/snow of Chicago. Pretty much expected.

New England 34 @ Indianapolis 38

Time for Gayton Manning to choke and Tom Gaydy and the Gaytriots to move on to yet another Super Bowl.

A completely botched play results in a Patriot touchdown. That’s the difference between a championship team and an ordinary one. A championship team overcomes adversity, just like the Patriots turned a fumble into a touchdown.

Patriots get a big 4th down conversion and then Corey Dillon just waltzes in for the touchdown. 14-3 Gaytriots lead.

They’re just running away with it, aren’t they? 21-3 Gaytriots. I hate to say it, because I freakin’ hate the Gaytriots, but they’re the next Super Bowl Champ. Actually I knew that when they beat San Diego to make it to this week.

I forgot to mention, that was the famous Manning choke I predicted.

At the end of the Half, the Dolts try to mount a comeback drive that falls short. They even try to argue that there should be a penalty for the receiver tripping over his own damn foot. Sorry, Tony Dungee, but being a world class klutz isn’t against the rules. 21-6 at the half.

The Colts come out of the locker room and put together a major drive down the field, culminating in a QB sneak by Manning for the TD. 21-13. Just think if Manning hadn’t choked. It would be 14-13 right now, but Manning always chokes, so they still have some ground to pick up. I doubt they will.

Holy crap! TD and 2 pointer. Tie game. 21-21.

It didn’t take long for New England to strike back. After review the call stands as a touchdown. I can hear the whiners now, “The ref stole the game.” It was a tough call. I’m not sure if the worst thing that happened was the defender pushing him. He may not have come down inbounds had he not been pushed. But it’s irrelevant. If the Colts deserve to win, they will over come it.

This has really turned into a shootout. The Colts come right back and tie it all back up at 28. This may come down to who has the ball last.

How about that drop? It’s no wonder he was wide open. The defense obviously knows the guy couldn’t catch a cold, much less a football.

Unfreakinbelievable! Brady throws a game and season ending interception. I didn’t believe they could do it, but the Colts won.

Super Bowl Chicago vs Indianapolis.

So far in the current season of 24, there have been numerous attacks against Americans that have been unleashed by Islamic terrorists. These attacks have even included a suitcase nuke that was detonated in Los Angeles. There are 4 more suitcase nukes that the Terrorists plan to detonate.

There are probably many people watching this and saying, “See! See that you stupid liberals? That is how terrorism poses an existential threat against our country. This is exactly what will happen if we leave terrorism unchecked.”

To those people, I would like to remind them that 24 is just a purely fictional television drama. It is a fantastic fabrication of fiction. There is no basis for reality in it. None. For one thing, Islam is a Religion of Peace, so it’s entirely unrealistic to have the Terrorists be committing their acts in the name of Islam. If it were realistic, the terrorists would be a bunch of Western corporate thugs.

There is also no way that anything like this could happen for real. Terrorism could conceivably make life feel a little less secure, but could never pose an actual existential threat to us… Unless, of course, they had nukes, but this could never happen.

Iran seeks nuclear capabilities for purely peaceful reasons. They want nuclear power. We have it, so who are we to deprive them of the very thing we allow for ourselves. This is the sort of attitude that fosters the contempt for America that the rest of the world has. Also, North Korea’s missile tests are purely routine. So, clearly there is zero possibility that terrorist, or a hostile nation, could ever have nuclear capabilities.

To summarize, there is no terrorist threat. 24 is just a TV show.

**

Be sure to check out Blogs 4 Bauer.

Here’s your open thread to talk smack about your team(s). After all, what’s the internet for, if not for talking smack? Oh, yeah. But other than that, it’s for talking smack.

So, FM? What do you plan to do to humiliate yourself after the Chocolate City Yellow Submarines sink to the bottom of the Bayou?

Keep up to date on scores and results at

Saturday’s Games
Indianapolis 15 @ Baltimore 6
Pathetic. No NFL team ever deserves to win a playoff game if they can’t manage to score at least one touchdown. Neither team scored a TD, but sadly, one must be declared the winner anyway. Absolutely disgusting.

Philadelphia 24 @ New Orleans 27
Reggie Bush just got Pwned! by Sheldon Brown. He isn’t getting up. Damn! Now that’s what I call a hit!

A big run by Douche McAllister paves the way for a field goal. Starting on the 50 yard line was a big factor too.

Another big play by the Aints. Way to win the field position battle, Eagles. Just keep all the plays to 20 yards or more. That’s a good plan. fortunately, the net result is a punt again.

Yep. That’s the Eagles defense I know. How do you turn a 6 yard loss into a 26 yard gain? Forget to tackle the guy. Reggie Bush didn’t make that play. A lack of effort in tackling did. That was sickening. Then, what’s with the deep play. Stop playing this shitty defensive strategy of only allowing big gains. Net result, only a FG.

75 YARDS TO STALLWORTH FOR THE TOUCHDOWN! After more than a quarter of Chocolate City dominance. The EAGLES lead!

Saints drive down for a touchdown. I’m getting really sick of these idiots not understanding that a guy isn’t down if he ain’t tasted the paint. Stop trying to tackle guys by just running into them! Wrap your damn arms around the guy and freakin’ tackle him! Don’t let go until he licks the turf.

The Eagles are responding with a strong drive of their own. Down to the goal line. No review. It’s third down. Westbrook vaults over the pile for a TD. 14-13 with 50 seconds left in the first half.

Can they get the damn half over with? Dammit! Punter runs for a first down. Dammit! HOLY COW! What an end of the half. Hail Mary almost caught. It looks like an Iggle got hurt too.

Let’s just compare this game to the last one. That was repulsive. This is football! Whoo11!11

Eagles get first possession of the half, and Westbrook runs 62 yards for a TD. Eagles lead 21-13. How’s it feel to be a bitch Monsieur Ragtops?

Now the Saints respond with a TD as well. It looks like the Eagles famous game plan of only allowing plays of more than 20 yards is working like a charm. How did no one tackle McAllister. Did anyone even try? I didn’t see an attempt. 21-20 Eagles still lead.

Eagles possession results in a… Punt? WTF is that? I forgot about those. Westbrook had a nice 20 yard run, but they couldn’t capitalize on it.

The Eagles are self destructing. Holding on defense? 11 Yard pass to McAllister. Aints lead 27-21. That was the most pathetic display of defensive stupidity I’ve seen.

The Eagles are putting together a nice drive in response. Big pass to Reggie Brown. Two good runs by Westbrook get them inside the 5. 3rd and 1. Westbrook needed a break on that play. Stupid play. Pass for a loss of 2. It’s all because they used Westbrook too many plays in a row. It was inevitable. Field Goal. 27-24.

Saints finally get forced to punt. Eagles respond with a punt.

The Eagles Defense just isn’t stopping anything. They always allow enough yards for the first down. The saints botch a play and the Eagles recover the fumble! First turnover of the game. The Eagles blow a prime opportunity. Why? Why must ALL Philadelphia teams ALWAYS suck?

The Saints get a first down and now it’s all but officially over. 27-24 Saints. I wish the announcers would stop sucking Andy Reid’s cock. He needs to go.

Sunday’s Games
Seattle @ Chicago 1:00 PM on Faux
New England at San Diego 4:30 PM on See BS