It’s almost 2010. Holy crap, that was fast. I could go on and on -giving you a retrospective  about the last year- but it hasn’t been a great one for conservatives. So, I’ve decided to skip the Auld Lang Syne this time in favor looking forward to next year. And what better way to do that then to start out with a big party?

New Year’s Eve has got to be a blowout bash this year. The booze and food are easy. I’ll invite all my friends and… Okay, the guest list the gets tough. I don’t have very many friends. No, don’t get all mushy, saying “That’s alright Les, your a really nice guy. It’s their loss”, and other mindless drivel. The fact is I don’t have many friends… on purpose. I choose to live in rural America and limit my contact with people. You’ve been around ‘em. Seriously, are most of ‘em worth your time?

Off track again, sorry. Anyway, if I did have friends, then I’d need a great guest. I was thinking of a big-named, right wing personality. Wouldn’t that be cool? You’d want to attend, right? Yeah, NOW you want to be my friend.

So, I wrote a list of all the conservative media types I could think of, and then started crossing them off. What I ended up with, was this short list:

My Short List

Sean Hannity – Nice enough guy, but there’s one great big problem –he’d want to listen to cowboys yodeling or off-pitch caterwauling from some guy with a washboard strapped to his chest and another playing a two-string, stand-up bass, made out of empty pony keg and a broom stick. He’s off the list.

Mark Steyn – That dude’s funny. Every time he sits in for Rush or guest host for Hannity, I’m there. Too bad he’s Canadian and his head hinges all wrong. Sorry.

Michelle Malkin – Way smart. I appreciate that in a woman, and she looks good in a bikini too. Serious. The only issue I see is when she gets wound-up, it would be like listening to your old high school chemistry teacher explaining hydrogen bonds. Boring. She’s gone. Well, on second thought. Maybe if she wore skimpy swim wear…

Rush Limbaugh – Wow! What a coup that would be! I’d have to hire armed bouncers to keep both the right and wrong people from crashing the party. It’d be expensive, but worth it. Except… there’s those cigars. Sorry, Rush. There’s no smoking in my house. Won’t make an exception, even for you. Guess you won’t be getting an invitation either.

Laura Ingraham – Naw. Her name should have been crossed off earlier.
Way too confrontational.

Sarah Palin – Totally hot! I’d even let her husband tag along. He seems like a cool guy. I lived in Alaska for several years. I can relate. She’s down home, girl next door nice. Sensible… except, there was that wardrobe thing during the elections. I never believed the rumors, but she just sold a jacket for like $57000 or something. Oh, Sarah.

Ann Coulter – Okay… ah, how do I say this? I love listening to Ann, but I’m not sure I want her in my home. Fine, I’ll just say it. She kind of scares me. I think part of it those massive, fake eyelashes and black eyeliner. Plus, I picture her house having a sound proof basement. Please Miss Coulter, don’t take offense at this… please.

Glenn Beck – YES! Perfect. Beck it is. The guy’s funny, down to earth and he seems really accessible. Sharing a beer with Glenn Beck, what could be… Crap, he’s a recovering alcoholic. This isn’t going to work. So I guess he’s gone too.

So much for my fantastic Conservative New Year’s Eve Party. I suppose I’ll just go bed early on the 31st… again.

Les James also hangs around Sideshow Mirrors, which features political satire and humor, and the global warming denying, Mild Max.

Category: Political Humor Tags: Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, Humour, Laura Ingraham, Mark Steyn, Michelle Malkin, New's Years Humor, Palin Jacket Humor, Political Humor, Political Satire, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity