Local Girl Shovels Snow
The Philadelphia area has been trapped in an icy grip of winter weather, which now includes a snow/ice storm, and research suggests the cause is global warming. Generally, winter storms result in denizens of residents shoveling snow. Doctors warn that shoveling snow may lead to back pain, especially in patients who suffer from chronic back pain.
Leading researchers in the field of global warming predict that the weather today will be different from the weather tomorrow, and the results will be catastrophic for the survival of the human race. Global warming is responsible for unseasonably high or low temperatures and the end of the ice age, experts say.
According to Dr. Jean-Michel Corbet, a guy with a doctorate in something or other, global warming is also responsible for droughts, heavier than normal precipitation, more or less storms than average, as well as average climates.
There can be no denying the fact that it has been cold in the Philadelphia area recently, and that it has been snowing a lot this winter. Clearly, global warming is the cause, but what is the cause of global warming, and what can be done about it?
“Global warming is caused by independent thinking, creativity, and advancements in technology, but most of all, it is caused by capitalism,” says Dr. Corbet. “The only solution is to destroy businesses with punitive taxes, and impose a system of non-technology, non-industrial Communism. Even then, I fear we are too late.”
That, of course is the dilemma. The great irony of global warming is that, while humans are entirely 100% responsible for causing global warming, there is absolutely nothing that humans can do about it.
So, while area residents dig themselves out of the snow and ice this week, remember, the oil you are burning to keep warm is the reason it is so cold. Also, bend at the knees, not at the waist.
2004–2008
21 responses so far ↓
1 Insolublog // Feb 14, 2007 at 11:52 am
Don’t forget that in addition to the destruction of capitalism, all of those ‘hot’ brains from those independent thinkers need to be cooled off with either medication or euthanasia.
2 RT - Chief Mongress // Feb 14, 2007 at 1:47 pm
I’d like to thank everyone for causing global warming so that I could have today off from school.
3 fmragtops // Feb 14, 2007 at 3:59 pm
AHHHHH!!! Manbearpig strikes again!
4 Skul // Feb 14, 2007 at 4:16 pm
But, but, it’s WARM snow!
5 RT - Chief Mongress // Feb 14, 2007 at 6:24 pm
I had icicles melting outside my window today…yep, global warming.
6 richj // Feb 14, 2007 at 7:28 pm
Its in the high 50’s low 60’s here. Sun is shining. Sucks to be you.
7 RT - Chief Mongress // Feb 14, 2007 at 8:12 pm
Sucks to be you when you get impaled with one of my icicles….just kidding, maybe.
8 fmragtops // Feb 14, 2007 at 9:09 pm
Hell it’s in the 30’s in South Louisiana. Usually it’s at least 20 something.
9 Skul // Feb 15, 2007 at 3:10 am
What’s with all the negative vibs folks?? I’m sittin’on the back porch at my place in south-east Texas and you people are whining about the cold. It’s down to about 34 degrees and, jeez, I’ve got a twelve-pack sittin’ here and I don’t even need a cooler. Get a grip you pack ‘o pussies. Wimps! Sheesh.
10 richj // Feb 15, 2007 at 11:23 am
“Sucks to be you when you get impaled with one of my icicles”
I love it when girls talk dirty to me, but, sorry, I must decline.
11 KC // Feb 15, 2007 at 5:36 pm
Resident Hippie speaks out.
Remember though, I’m a nice hippie. Sort of like a troll, but without the hate or the mudslinging and with more of the likeability and genuine like of the sites I read.
If that didn’t convince you, FM likes me. So there.
Now for my actual substantive comment: just because there are still seasons doesn’t mean that climate change is false.
*awaits impaling*
12 Skul // Feb 15, 2007 at 7:28 pm
“doesn’t mean that climate change is false.”
Doesn’t mean it’s “sky is falling” true either.
Besides, I prefer my snow warm.
13 KC // Feb 15, 2007 at 7:44 pm
I thought the only warm snow was that famous “yellow snow” our parents always told us to watch out for.
Ew.
14 sssteve // Feb 15, 2007 at 9:03 pm
Hey, I think I’ve been in that car!!
15 FIAR // Feb 15, 2007 at 9:08 pm
just because there are still seasons doesn’t mean that climate change is false.
Just like a Hippy to change the subject. Here’s the issue:
1. Is global
warming coolingclimate change (No one can seem to agree which it is) caused by humans?2. Can humans do anything to stop global
warming coolingclimate change?3. Will global
warming coolingclimate change mean the end of humanity? Which is irrelevant if humans can do nothing to stop it.I say 1. No 2. No 3. Irrelevant
First of all, there is not one sane person that wants polluted water, poisonous air and fish with toxic levels of mercury in them. More importantly, the so-called “environmentalists” have exactly zero interest in protecting the “environment..” Zero. None.
They have one goal and one goal only: To institute communism under the pretext of “environmentalism.” Sorry you’ve been duped. You are smarter than that.
So, how do we have a cleaner world? More capitalism. More technology. More Free market choices. This is precisely the opposite of what the - Let’s call them what they really are - Eco-Commies want. They want to regulate businesses out of business.
Besides that - What Skul said. I lose any and all ability to believe in something once it is clear that it is nothing more than a Doomsday Cult, and that’s precisely what “Global warming” is.
16 FIAR // Feb 15, 2007 at 9:17 pm
For more, start here
http://www.nicedoggie.net/2007/?p=128#comment-2875
and keep scrolling for comments by LC Hoghead. Then read this for more supporting argument.
http://deanesmay.com/posts/1171309227.shtml
I particularly like the comment by “Foobarista” on that thread that begins:
Yup - it takes someone who’s lived with hardcore Communism to know that socialist central-planning strategies will not make for a “Green World”. In fact, it’s typically the opposite; the more centrally planned the economy, the more of an eco-disaster the country will tend to be.
There you go.
17 FIAR // Feb 15, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Yes, Sssteve, you have.
18 KC // Feb 15, 2007 at 9:38 pm
FIAR-
That was a larger impaling than I expected. However, unlike hippies who only want “peace and free love,” I’m not soft. I’m also not one of those hippies who will be insulted, mostly because I realize that most hippies suck. A lot. Why? Because they spend all their time being insulted and hating the world for just “not getting it.”
I happen to be a hippie who acknowledges the power of the market, and don’t feel as though it’s something to be fought against.
I understand why you hate hippies. I understand your cynicism about environmentalists. I hate those kinds of hippies and environmentalists you speak of as well.
But I still don’t feel as though I’ve been duped.
I think we’ll agree on more than you think.
19 RT - Chief Mongress // Feb 17, 2007 at 11:23 am
Last night, bored and all, I remembered a “movie” I saw in eighth grade science. It was about the sun dwindling to light bulb strength. So are we still supposed to freeze?
Then I was struck with the memory of Al Gore and the PMRC. He and his wife figured out a way to get their faces in the news. It is his method of operation. He’s a media whore. Cause alarm and you have people’s attention. Maybe we should just let the scientific community who didn’t take journalism classes draw the conclusions, but it is just that…drawing…not for certain stuff. Otherwise, the sun might be a lightbulb right now.
How about we speak to China about its pollution? Cuba’s waters are filthy with industrial waste. At least in our neck of the woods people are allowed to criticize it and forward change, when necessary.
All of those really good environmental ideas about the forests worked, too, didn’t they? The ideas/policies caused more fires.
20 jimmyb // Feb 18, 2007 at 5:11 pm
I knew it was caused by capitalism.
Thanks FIAR!
You are always right!!!
21 Save the Planet | Global Warming Satire | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Jun 6, 2008 at 8:04 pm
[...] Satire | Global Warming May Lead to Back Pain | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Mar 26, 2008 at 11:59 [...]
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