Political Humor | Geraldo Rivera: In Search of the GOP

Good evening, I’m Geraldo Rivera. You may remember me from such programs as The Mystery of Al Capone’s Vault, Geraldo at Large, or as a guest on The O’Reilly Factor where I said “Michelle Malkin is the most vile, hateful commentator I’ve ever met in my life. She actually believes that neighbors should start snitching out neighbors, and we should be deporting people. It’s good she’s in D.C. and I’m in NY. I’d spit on her if I saw her.” I apologized, but we all know I really mean it.

But just maybe you’re that one person who actually read my book, His Panic: Why Americans fear Hispanics in the U.S. Get it, His Panic, Hispanic? Catchy title huh?

Tonight we’re coming to you live from New Jersey. What you see behind me is a slaughterhouse. And yes, I was married to Kurt Vonnegut’s daughter, so don’t start with the Slaughterhouse-Five cracks. I’m glad he’s dead. I got tired of being made fun of by that miserable, old hack. Could he have come up with His Panics? I don’t think so. Cat’s Cradle, Breakfast of Champions, what schlock!

But let’s get back to the subject at hand.

Here in this place of death, I’ll be looking for the Missing GOP.

The slaughterhouse seemed like a fitting metaphor for the annihilation of the Republican Party at the hand of our beloved leader, President Barack Obama. Through his wisdom and far reaching campaign strategy he was, single-handedly, able to turn back the Bush Sea, parting it with a wave of his hand and setting into motion a cleansing stream of fresh ideas, that will transform our beleaguered nation into the harmonious, One World Nirvana that we radicals have always dreamt it could be. [Sigh]

Republicans are like these cows. [waving his hand toward some cows] They stand around all day long, just consuming and dumping on Mother Earth. They foul the air with their methane rich flatulence, raising the global temperature…and think it’s the smell of progress. They, ah *Bleep*! I just stepped in a big, wet pile of cow *Bleep*! These are $400 Italian loafers, how I’m I ever going to get the f*Bleep*ng smell out of these?

And don’t worry about my language. Obama wants honest reporters to tell the truth. Unlike those lying son’s of *Bleep* on the right. They’re going to get what they deserve too.

Oh wait, I get it, it’s another metaphor! Obama is the metaphysical Odor Eater. Only he can purge the smell of death from the political landscape and plant the scented flowers that will bloom in the spring, along our journey toward everlasting summer! Brilliant! This man, no, this miracle of nature, is brilliant! The more I think of him, the more I see his great inner depth.

Anyway, the Republicans have all but…

What *bleep*ing genius! No, not the mothe*Bleeeeeep* GOP. I couldn’t give a rat’s *bleep* less about them. I’m talking about our Savior, the One who will lead us out of this darkness, into the bright light of truth.

It’s all becoming clear to me now.

I’m beginning to understand. I’m part of His plan. All liberals are! I can see the path, His path to redemption. These cow patty encrusted shoes are more than a metaphor, they’re a sign!

I will walk in *Bleep* all the day long [stomping around the feed lot] and revel in it’s magnificent stench, for I know that He will cleanse me!

I am unworthy of licking the soles of His *bleep* covered shoes, but I can lick clean my own! I will wallow [now wallowing] in the warm, wet manure of His grace.

Another revelation! Praise Obama! This is His Communion! The cow *Bleep* represents His excreted ungodliness. He has emptied His bowels and transcended to the Highest Plane. Now we must cover ourselves in His symbolic waste to await atonement. We must pray for the yellow rain of blessed waters that will wash away our iniquities and allow us to be in His presents!

Hey! What are you doing? Let go of me! I’m Geraldo fuc*Bleep* Rivera! I’m famous!

Are you guys still getting all of this on camera?

We’re live you know! This is being broadcast around the world!

I said let go! I don’t give a flying *Bleep* who you say you are! I need to stay here and beg for forgiveness!

Obama will strike you down!

You’re not worthy…

Les James’ grassroots campaign to Impeach Obama can be found at political & military humor at Sideshow Mirrors.