Are you unemployed or underemployed? Do have no experience, no marketable job skills and no interest in working with general public? You’re already over-qualified to work for the Department of Homeland Security.
Here at the Department of Homeland Security we pay a lot of people to accomplish absolutely nothing whatsoever. We’re looking for unskilled, inexperienced, unmotivated candidates for a variety of positions, ranging from entry level through to upper management. The application process is simple. Just show up, find a work station and surf the web to your heart’s content. When you arrive, just explain that you’re name’s not on the payroll due to a clerical error, and request that it be rectified.
Get paid to look for sexy pictures of Hayden Panettiere, Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, and Tyra Banks. Figure out which Howard Stern they’re talking about in a news story. Visit your favorite blogs and forums. Keep up to date on the latest celebrity gossip. Watch all the YouTube videos you can stand to watch. You’ll also get a full benefits package.
It sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? Well, there is a downside. From time to time you will have to shuffle yourself away from the computer and on down to the nearest bake sale at the local Lutheran Church to harass some elderly ladies to ensure that the bake sale isn’t just a ruse for the planning of a terrorist attack. We do have a country to protect, after all, and you can never be too careful. Unfortunately, there have never been any ethnic, cultural, or religious similarities evident in the suspects of acts of terrorism.
Plus, if an attack were to occur, it would most likely be those Christofascist Godbags. They’re always inciting riots, and gunning down school children because someone wants to take the word “God” out of the pledge of allegiance, or because their child was expelled for praying before class. Damn Christofascist Godbags.
You could also take a job at Humor-Blogs.com, but they only pay in Monopoly™ money. Until the Monopoly™ money runs out. They’re too cheap to buy another set of the game to keep paying people beyond that.
2004–2008
16 responses so far ↓
1 RT - Chief Mongress // Apr 5, 2007 at 7:48 pm
Good one! You can never be too cautious when it comes to those little old blue haired ladies.
2 Skul // Apr 5, 2007 at 11:49 pm
Don’t egg him on RT. All he’s made so far is eight bucks, Baltic Ave., and the little tophat token. He wanted the Scotty dog but FrankJ made off with that. No, I don’t know why and I really don’t want to know.
3 jimmyb // Apr 6, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Thanks for the link!
I need to be careful though… there are Christians everywhere in there red states…
LOOK OUT!!!
*glurg*
4 jimmyb // Apr 6, 2007 at 12:16 pm
these, not there
*glurg again*
5 RT - Chief Mongress // Apr 6, 2007 at 12:32 pm
I’m coming to get you Jimmy! Better be careful; I might pray or something.
6 FIAR // Apr 6, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Noooooooooo! Not JimmyB! Damn you, Christofascist Godbags.
7 RT - Chief Mongress // Apr 6, 2007 at 3:22 pm
I smite thou with my prayer! Well, not really, as prayer is a non-violent act…what God does after that is out of my hands. ;P
8 RT - Chief Mongress // Apr 6, 2007 at 3:22 pm
Smite thee would be better Puritan language, eh?
9 Skul // Apr 6, 2007 at 4:15 pm
Smite, smote, smate, smut. Just smack him with something heavy and be done with it.
10 RT - Chief Mongress // Apr 6, 2007 at 5:49 pm
My big, black Bible weighs a good three pounds, that should do….thwack! That is what a Bible thumper does, right?
11 Skul // Apr 6, 2007 at 9:33 pm
Add lead.
12 FIAR // Apr 6, 2007 at 10:23 pm
I’ll be sure to fill a Bible full of bullet holes just as soon as I get my hands on one… Or is that not what you meant by “add lead?”
13 FIAR // Apr 6, 2007 at 10:24 pm
Oh, I know. You meant cut out the middle and hide a gun in it.
Smart thinking, Skul. You’re very clever.
14 RT - Chief Mongress // Apr 6, 2007 at 11:06 pm
Grrrrrrrrrr….
15 Skul // Apr 7, 2007 at 8:34 pm
FIAR, a certain Chief Mongess is fixin’ to smack that puppy up along side yer head. I need a time-line to sell tickets.
16 RT - Chief Mongress // Apr 7, 2007 at 9:49 pm
I don’t hurt puppies.
I might have the energy to flick Fiar’s ear, but not hit him. It wouldn’t be Christian of me.
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