This is part 2 of Proclamations from the Mountaintop: An Editorial series by Author Les James.

Image source: Sniffing Polar Bear by Crystalline Radical

THE NIGHTLY NEWS EATS A CHICKEN LITTLE SANDWICH

Global warming is everywhere! Now that makes sense. But I’m sick of turning on the TV or radio or picking up almost anything the news outlets print and being constantly barraged by bad news. How much can one person take before they just stop listening?

Every day the Talking Heads (no, not the band) are anxious to tell us how naughty we have been and how it’s going to be the death of us all. They can’t wait to eat it up the latest nasty morsel and regurgitate it for us like some mother bird, while we sit famished in our fouled nest. Yuck!

Like Beltway politics, Asian tsunamis, AIDS, sub-prime loans, violent crime, Panty-less Hollywood celebrities, rogue comets, unguarded Russian nuclear stockpiles, athletes on steroids, environmental terrorism, colon cancer and Dancing with the Stars, weren’t enough. No way.

Just when you thought it was safe to drink bottled water and buy a Hummer along comes greenhouse gasses and carbon footprints!

It’s enough to make you want to rent your clothes, tear out your hair, and gouge out your eyes, or perhaps just stop watching the tube. Maybe Timothy Leary had something there when he would advocate “Turn on, tune in and drop out.”

He just didn’t realize he was referring to CNN.

It’s the end of the world, as we know it

And I feel fine. Can I get an Amen? Thank you Brother Michael for those uplifting lyrics. I do feel fine. Really. It doesn’t bother me one bit, and it shouldn’t you either. In the immortal words of the ever optimistic Alfred E. Neuman, “What, me worry?”

But you say, polar bears, even as we speak, are desperately clutching to drink sized ice cubes, sea levels are going to raise high enough to finish off New Orleans (so why are we trying to rebuild it?), heat related causalities will be filling the streets while tidal waves wash them away, drug resistant diseases, mega earthquakes, unparalleled floods, World Wars III, IV, V, a decimated ozone layer, unchecked pestilence, and sweeping famine!

What ever became of acid rain? Ah, add it to the list. The Four Horsemen are going to be laughing their silly heads off. Now that’s a bizarre visual. What about the children!

One thing I know for sure, my heating bill will be lower.

How can I make jokes at a time like this? Because I already know the outcome. I cheated and flipped to the end of the book.

Before I spoil the ending for you please indulge me by reading through the rest of this first. I’m going to attempt to show you why global warming is not a threat, but rather an opportunity. An opportunity for you to get back in touch with your core beliefs.

By taking two opposing points of view and coming to the same conclusion, I hope to convince you to stop worrying and learn to love the balmy. Awful, I know.

All right, first understand I don’t believe that it will be anywhere near as bad as many would want me to think. So this opinion piece could be (could be?) just a bunch of garbage. But let’s assume for the sake of argument that it will be that horrific.

Now for something that may astonish you.

Image source: Child of Krakatau spews lava and dark ash by guano

We’ll all die when the cows come home

If you hadn’t heard the U.N. has recently released a study that says the cattle flatulence is actually releasing much more CO2 into the atmosphere than humans! That’s right, cow farts –once thought to only smell bad- are now known to be planet killers!

Currently there are about 85 million head of cattle in the US. This number has declined steadily over several years. Still that’s a lot of dairy air. I believe that they are systemically attempting to eliminate us. Don’t let their eyes fool you. We should seriously consider all becoming strict veggie eaters and initiating a first strike option. We may need to wipe them out before they get us first.

We have the technology, but do we have the national will to see it through to its messy end? Or will some half bran filled weenies start uttering calls to pull out before we can finish the job?

I thank my lucky stars that my ancestors inadvertently staved off certain planetary disaster as they made their way across this great land by slaughtering an estimated 50-60 million buffalo as they went. Europeans on the Serengeti Plain in Africa deserve honorable mention for their notable contributions also.

Those folks really had what it took. Facing overwhelming odds and nature’s fury, they persevered, showing what stubbornness and dogged determination could achieve.

Evolution vs. Christianity

I mentioned two opposite viewpoints. How’s this, Evolution vs. Christianity? Diametrically far enough apart for you?

My first point would have to be that if I’m a monkey’s uncle -as the evolution crowd believes- why do I care? Don’t tell me about social or moral responsibility or the greater good. I’m just an animal. Are the other animals responsible for their communal actions? Well, maybe cows. No, we chalk it up to instinct. So who are you to tell me that I can or cannot do as I please?

Authority in this animal’s kingdom is only as good as the force, and will to back it up, is strong. I’ll take care of my troop and if you try anything I’m going to beat my chest and fling poo. It’s a jungle out there.

Second point is that the earth is dynamic. One of these days we’ll go back into another ice age, or maybe an asteroid will smash into us, or solar flares will bake the planet, or Mars may attack. Who knows? Millions of species have died off before and they will again. So what? Some life will survive and start anew.

The next “intelligent” life form may evolve from the ultimate survivor, the cockroach. They’re not about to let themselves get voted off this island. It’s not as far fetched as it first may seem. Have you looked at politicians lately?

Why do we think we have the right to go against the natural order of things? Oh, yeah, we can think in abstract terms. We can ponder the future. How unique, but irrelevant. I’ve read that thinking only leads to confusion. The more I thing about that…

Anyway.

Nature doesn’t care about us as individuals or as a group. It only cares for those who adapt and overcome. Learn to survive, or die. That’s kind of a Cliff’s Notes version of Darwin.

I’d have to say that judging from what we know about past and present life on this planet that we are an anomaly with a lemming’s instincts. It may well be that we have coded into our genes a self-destruct mechanism. Look at the weapons we have built and the environmental devastation we have wrought. We’re all heading for the cliff.

If you’re thinking we can survive our own intelligent stupidity, think again. The universe still has a few tricks up its sleeve. We’re all doomed I tell you. Doomed!

Maybe we have just about outlived our time and need to follow the dinosaurs into the tar pits and gas tanks so the planet can survive. Who are we to selfishly stand in the way of evolution? But maybe, just maybe it’s our turn to evolve? Move farther up that ladder? Not!

Then there is the theory of parallel universes. This makes my head hurt, but here we go. As I misunderstand it, there are an infinite number of worlds were you may or may not even be alive. A space in which for every world where you exist, every choice you make spins off another universe.

Multiply that by everyone in every world times all the decisions they make. This then equals you –the person reading this in this universe – becoming absolutely of no significance what so ever.

Go ahead and eat that extra piece of cake and club those baby Harp seals! You don’t amount to squat in the grand scheme of things nor does this world, so why worry. Wow, that’s depressing. Holy cow, lets not even contemplate reincarnation!

I told you that I read the ending to this story already and know the outcome. So it’s time for the other side to be heard. Quickly switching hats I’ll now take up the Christian banner.

Anyone who doesn’t want to know this outcome should skip the next paragraph and wait for the movie.

The biblical ending is this. According to the book of Revelation, we still have a bit of time, something around seven years for the Tribulation and 1000 for the Millennium. From what I remember, those 1000 years will be in perfect environment. My idea of perfect may not match that of the Almighty’s but I would tend to believe that it would be a lot closer to Maui in summer than Fargo in winter.

Now that would mean, hmm, let me see. I’ve heard something about this before. What on earth was that? I remember now! Global warming!

So if that is the case, dust off the BBQ’s, ATV’s, SUV’s, let the cattle be fruitful and multiply –so we can grill up some steaks- and let’s give this old planet a nice healthy boost of CO2! Brothers and Sisters these fossil fuel boots were made for walkin’. It’s time to stomp some great big carbon footprints across Mother Nature! Perhaps that’s a little too extreme.

I guess the bottom line is, well…why worry? If you subscribe to evolution then it’s bigger than us and the universe will have its way. If you believe in God then he’s bigger than us and his will be done. Either way, why worry. See, we can agree on something after all!

Many of the world’s other religions have similar teachings about the end of the world, so again, why worry. If you fall between the cracks, I can’t help you too much on this one. Consult your local paper for the weather forecast, consider swimming lessons and good luck. Oh, two last words of advice: start worrying!

A parting thought. What ever happened to the threat of Nuclear Winter? I’m just saying.

Editorial Note: Next week Les answers the question: “What about the children?”

Humor-Blogs.com kidnapped the children and fed them to the volcano.

Category: Political Humor Tags: Carbon Footprint, Editorial, Global Warming, Polar Bears, Political Humor, Series