Political Humor | Global Warming Solutions: The Ultimate Guide

This is part 4 of a 6 part political humor series by Les James, called Proclamations from the Mountaintop.

Original Image: Light Bulb by Jeff Kubina

BANNING THE BULB: HYPOCRISY IN MOTION

I picked up a hitchhiker in the mid-70’s in the Sierra Nevada Mountains of California. He seemed a nice enough fellow with his better than average pack, and boots.

I had just gotten off the trail myself and assumed – that’s right, assumed - this guy was only trying to get back to his own car.

Little did I suspect that what he was trying would be my patience. Had I known what was to come I would have prepared better. Ah, no good deed goes unpunished.

Pulling over to the side of the road he came a running.

Become part of the solution.

I was driving a small, late 60’s, four cylinder, British made Ford. Environmentally conscious before it’s time. So room was an issue.

We managed to fit his pack in the back seat and down the road we went.

Almost immediately he began a litany of assertions. A veritable diatribe of condemnation of my lifestyle.

I listened as he denounced my owning the very vehicle he flagged down, and was bumming a ride in. He ridiculed my educational choice of majors and my current job. The wheels on the car went round and round. As did the wheels in my head.

Then it was my turn.

“Nice boots”, I said. “Italian?”

He confirmed they were. I continued to query him about his pack and contents. Almost everything he carried or worn was synthetic or greatly altered from its original natural state. You can guess where the conversation went from there.

I think the parting shot was my best. As I was decelerating to let him out – at his request, and still far from his destination - I explained that we should never had had this talk since he should be naked and dirty, living in the woods, and eating grubs and berries.

Hypocrisy

I really dislike hypocrites. They may be some of the most intellectually dishonest people on the planet. And that’s saying something.

I put them on a par with lawyers, used car salesmen and politicians from both parties. I may be a lot of things, but that’s one thing I’m not.

I’m fully aware of the impact I’m having on this earth and revel in the glory of modern technology.

I say use it but don’t abuse it. Responsible stewardship and all that. Renewal resources make sense to me at a certain level. Recycle? Certainly.

But every week another “expert” environmental “spokesperson” rejects the latest “solution” of another “green” group. They can’t even seem to agree upon the “problem.” So, how do you expect me to respect their “science”?

Original Image: Live Earth London by Howard Gees

Get your act together if you want me to take you seriously. I mean, come on. Multi million dollar productions featuring rock and film stars, using private jets for transportation, giant gigawatt amps, office building sized speaker stacks, enough pyrotechnics for our next round of Shock and Awe, and a city of Las Vegas sized light show.

No one can be unhappy while eating a hamburger!

All to tell me why I should feel bad about my lifestyle. And by the way we need to Ban the Bulb!

What? My little 60-watt incandescent light is destroying the planet?

May Nobel Peace prize winner Al Gore repeatedly strike me about the head and neck with a UN, OSHA and EPA approved, recycled, handcrafted, Green Peace, PETA, and Amnesty International endorsed, animal testing and product free, fair trade, organic, hemp whip for my transgressions!

How to Save the Planet

I’ve since expanded upon my 70’s theme. It now includes more ranting about personal responsibility. It goes something like this:

Question: So you think the problem is too many people using too many resources and causing too much impact upon the fragile ecosystem of Mother Earth?

Response: Hey, I’ve got an idea. Stop relying upon others to fix it. Become part of the solution. First stop using those resources. I mean all of them.

A little use is like a little pregnant. So don’t try to justify bad behavior because it’s just a wee bit. If it’s wrong on the grand scale it’s wrong on a tiny one. It’s the big picture reduced to a size you can carry in your almost empty macramé wallet. Next to your medical marijuana card and the condom you conveniently forget you have.

Don’t

• Use the paved streets
• Drink the tap water
• Wear mass manufactured clothing
• Watch TV
• Listen to your iPOD

Shut off your electricity, stop using the toilet, and environmentally consciously divest yourself of all earthly possessions.

And for the love of all the little creatures out there, boycott the pot and booze. Do you have any idea the size of the carbon footprint left by those things?

Second, abstain from sex. Accidental procreation can only exacerbate the condition. That means boinking is bad, OK?

You wouldn’t want that burden on your shoulders, would you? This way you’ll never have to worry about your genes being passed on and adding to the crisis. It’s a small but vital step in the right direction and the sacrifice will make you a better person.

Ask an altar boy.

Third. I hesitate to give you the third and final solution, as it’s not for the squeamish. I’m going to save this morsel until the end. So lets change the subject up a bit.

Vegetarianism

I once asked a friend why he was a vegetarian. His answer was short and honest. He told me that he use to have a reason but they had broken up and now it was just habit. I can respect that.

Another friend had been raised that way, as meat was expensive and difficult to come by in that part of China. Again a good answer.

to save a species, sometimes you have to eat them

Still a third was an Indian –from India- climbing partner whose family had been vegetarians for seven generations! Hard to argue with that.

Finally, a fourth loved meat but because of some kind of deficiency could no long digest it well. Medical reasons are always valid.

It’s the people that have turned not eating meat into a virtue and want to throw it in my face that ticks me off.

Eat what you will or won’t just don’t openly judge me for my legal choices. Another friend – Wow! I didn’t realize I ever had that many - once said, “When you’re down, eat a hamburger. No one can be unhappy while eating a hamburger!” I guess he was wrong.

I’ve come to believe that all you vegetarians are either knowingly or not involved in some very despicable practices. How did I reach this conclusion? It was simple. I just took what I know about economics, agriculture and survival and applied it to the situation.

Vegetarians eat the labors of poor migrants from south of the border, who work in dreadful conditions for sub-standard wages. Or they devour imported crops from third world nations that adds to the indigenous people’s misery.

Your very eating habits prop-up this multi-billion dollar slave industry. And now you want to power your cars with it!

Original Image: Runs on Free Recycled Vegetable Oil by Richard Masoner

If you had any decency, you’d demand to pay considerably more for your veggies, so these noble folks (the poor are always noble and the rich always evil) could earn a family sustaining wage.

But no. You’ll just go on complaining about high prices. Even though, for what you earn in a month, an entire village in Bolivia could live above their standard of poverty for a year.

Worse still is the two-faced lie of the animal lover. I told you before what I think of hypocrites. Some claim that meat is murder and reject its consumption on high moral grounds.

Why then do they support the extinction of several species? Do you think that pigs, chickens, cows and alike can be returned to the wild? No, they can’t.

They’ll die slow, painful deaths. In a relatively short period of time most will go the way of the carrier pigeon. What kind of monsters are you?

Your personal dining habits are you own, but to save a species, sometimes you have to eat them. I would suggest that you let us meat is on the menu activists do the dirty work for you. There’s no need to thank us.

Please pass the barbecue sauce.

Salvation for our Future

OK, enough about that topic. Its time to face the third and final solution. Now is a good time to get the children out of the room. If you have a weak stomach, you may want to stop reading this and turn to the garden section of last Sunday’s newspaper.

Here we go. Like I said before, stop being part of the problem and become part of the solution. Stop blaming faceless others and start blaming your parents. After all, they are the ones who got you into this mess.

You are just another charlatan. A fraud in cheap clothing unless you can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt your veracity. Take a stand. Make yourself a shining example for others of your ilk to emulate. Remember, it’s your parent’s fault. But you can fix it.

You must take yourself out of the equation!

Whoa, hang on a minute. Your not going to say what I think you are. Are you? You might well be asking that question about now. No. I’m not advocating suicide. Don’t be stupid. I’m thinking of cryogenic freezing.

Someday we will find a way to thaw you, and it will be in a new and better world, or maybe a different world all together. With all the moaning and groaning I hear from you people, it’s got to be tempting.

The future has to be better than this doesn’t it? And if it’s not in lets say 500 years or so, we’ll just leave you there until some distant time when it is.

Think about it, won’t you. You’ll be part of the solution while doing yourself and the planet a big favor.

By the way, it’s not really your parent’s fault. Grow up.

Humor-Blogs.com ate a hamburger and still wasn’t happy. They just need to read more political humor.