This is part 5 of a 6 part Political Humor series by Les James called Proclamations from the Mountaintop.

GOOD MANNERS, PUBLIC SLAPPINGS AND WHY I CAN’T DRIVE

You didn’t teach your kids manners. Now because of them, Arianna Huffington insists I’m aiding terrorist.s Arianna who?

She’s the woman who started the Detroit Project and clams that by owning and driving SUV’s we support terrorists indirectly through increased gas sales. That’s old news but the point is, hey, a little evil, a lot of evil, it’s still evil isn’t it?

In that case, we all support terrorist by consuming anything produced by an oil-based product.

Sorry, but that includes you too, mister “I’m better than you because I use less of a toxic product and will kill the earth slower while riding down the middle of the road impeding those who actually paid for it through gas taxes while invoking the name of Critical Mass for the sake of politically correct piety bicycle” guy.

Image: Shadowlands, by Richard Masoner

What your doing is like pulling a band-aid off at a melting glacial pace, while hoping someone will come up with a better way before you remove all the hair. Think, please. I said please! Wow, off track even before getting started. Got to be a personal record.

So how do we get from your children’s lack of comportment to suicide bombers?

Step by step of course. But that would be boring, so we’re going to take our 4 mile per gallon behemoth motor home out on a scenic long way around on back roads tour instead.

Just sit down and buckle up. It’s the law.

We own three vehicles. One we kind of inherited and gets driven very seldom. The second is beat up and get 30 plus miles to the gallon, but is very small. The last is a four-wheel drive truck. Not a big one mind you.

I could have bought a big one and really guzzled gas, but I was thinking about the environment and bought a mid sized truck. So I’m doing my part while driving this vehicle as it’s saving the planet at the same time.

This is the same rationale used by women the world over to justify purchasing an item that is on sale whether they need it or not (there’s going to be hell to pay for that one). Look at all I saved by buying this! I just got in touch with my feminine side. How metro of me. Aren’t you proud?

But I thought you said something about SUV’s and you have a truck. It’s a Dodge Dakota, and I believe the Durango is built on the same chassis. The same way most bigger SUV’s are based off of trucks. Apples are apples so stop your whining.

The question is why do I need a four-wheel drive truck in the first place? I could tell you that I need it for work, or that I live in a place that requires that type of vehicle just to get around during the winter. Both of these would be sort of true.

No, the real reason I have this truck is that your kids are rude.

That’s my story and I’m going to stick to it. Come reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos or melting polar icecaps. Translation: hell or high water.

When I drive the little car down the highway doing a bit above the speed limit – I don’t want to but I’ll get run over if I don’t – I feel good about it. Here I am getting 32 MPG and the car is paid for. It’s ugly as sin, but what do I care, I’m a wonderful human being just for owning it.

I’ve got the stereo turned up and the one working speaker is crackling out the rock and the roll. Because I don’t worry so much about the interior anymore, I’m a safer driver. If I’m eating and drop something I don’t immediately dive for it. It will still be there when I eventually clean it out.

Image: Moga eats while Fred drives by Mike Burns

When winter brings sub-freezing temps, we have to bundle up since the little engine can’t produce enough heat. But that’s OK with us. Because we know that we’re making America safer for the children, one spendthrift gallon at a time.

Here is the down side to our little piece of this green dream. It’s your offspring. I said I had to drive a bit faster than I would want, to avoid being run over. Take a guess who’s behind me. That’s right someone’s kid.

Oh, it may not be yours but it could be or may be someday. They are driving so close that I can read the VIN number on their dashboard.

I have to ask myself just what kind of person has that little regard for others safety and peace of mind? Who would crowd a small car and put the driver and occupants in that kind of peril in the case of a crash? How can one justify that kind of action when it flies in the face of reason and common decency?

I’ll tell you. It’s someone that never had those values impressed upon them as a child. I had impressions made upon me several times as I child. Looking back, I deserved it.

I find myself driving the truck more and more. I feel safer in it. One thing that I’ve noticed is that very few people drive as close to the truck as they do to the car.

I have come to equate aggressive driving with brandishing a weapon. When I’m in the car they see an easy target for highway intimidation, but the truck looks like it could hold its own in a fight.

Sometimes I have this re-occurring daydream involving a tailgating idiot that I’ve managed to somehow stop. I have them by the collar at the back of their scrawny neck. We’re at the side of their car, their hips pressed up against the fender, looking over the hood. I speak to them while pausing between each word for maximum effect.

“You”, I pause as I bring their forehead into contact with the hood. Boom! “Do”, Boom! “Not”, Boom! “Have”, Boom. “The”, Boom! “Right”, Boom! Well, you get the picture.

I’m not a violent person by nature, but I do draw an immense amount of satisfaction from this daydream.

So here I am, left in a position where I have to put the well being of my hide over the welfare of the environment and safety of future generations. Good manners, I tell you. Good manners are the key.

I was struck recently by a person’s comments. She was saying how nice everyone was here. This means that where she was from it’s worse! Coarse, demeaning speech is the norm too often now. Even in popular children’s book the kids have little in the way of the social graces in them. “Please” and “thank you” are words of weakness.

Politeness equals weakness. Weakness must be exploited

Where does this all come from? I’ll clue you in. It starts in the home. Parents don’t go blaming society for the failures of your children. I don’t blame the dog for barking at night. I blame the owner for allowing it.

Passing around blind curves across double yellow lines. How often have you seen this one? Those people have no respect for you or your family. Speeding through school zones. Flipping you off because you refuse to speed up any faster and break the law.

Come on, what’s wrong here? Manners, I tell you, or rather the lack of them.

Manners teach respect. Respect is something a polite person gives without demanding that it first be earned. It’s never too late to be a bit nicer. Please try it. You may like it!

I’m really not saying that all of you parents out there are completely at fault, although you do need to share in the blame. It starts in the home but doesn’t end there. Your parents may have been wonderful or they may not have even been around. You may have been loved or beaten. But you are not a barking dog. You have free will and the ability to chose.

This all got a little heavy. But I thought it needed to be said. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a civil discourse? What a refreshing change of pace to hear two opposing sides discuss a problem without resorting to personal attacks and crass language.

Maybe I need to think about changing my daydream, it might be a bit too violent.

This brings me back to tailgaters, traffic incidents – sure couldn’t be an accident – and now introducing, for the first time anywhere, public slappings.

This idea came to me one day while I was patently waiting my turn to get down four lane highway that someone’s rude kid turned into a one lane. They did this by tailgating when the road was icy. Fortunately no one was hurt.

My thought was that a police officer should physically guide the responsible party, ensuring they don’t stumble and fall since their hands are cuffed behind them. The offender would be walked into position so that as each driver took their turn passing this individual’s handiwork, they could roll down their window and extend their left arm with their hand open. No fist allowed, that would just be cruel.

What is the sound of one hand slapping?

While it’s difficult to get a good solid swing while driving, with a bit of practice and a little old fashion wrist action, I think it would be possible to get a satisfying smack. I know I would feel better. Yeah, you’re right. That isn’t very nice.

As our gas guzzling monster motor home pulls into a viewpoint – don’t you love it that our highway departments warn us when there is a viewpoint ahead? I often wonder why we need someone’s point of view placed on a sign at a scenic overlook. But that gets away from the real reason for all of this.

It really all comes down to just being a tiny bit more polite. Please give it a shot, won’t you?

Have a nice day!

Category: Political Humor Tags: Good Manners, Political Humor