Political Humor | Tear It All Down

An Acerbic and Cynical Look at a Ridiculous Topic

Part 1: A Little Righting of History

Photo by me, from a ways back. I don’t have all my shots.

Gathering the Tribe

Then draw together you Hippies and Lovers of Ancient Cultures. Approach, oh Euro Trash Wanderers and Liberal History Professors. For your favorite storyteller has a long and oh so sharp pin he wants to stick in to your bubble -the bubble of the myth of “The Good Old Days“.

Come one and all, sit at your loving uncle Les’s feet and listen to me carefully, as I tear apart your notions of what was right and noble. Watch attentively, as I shred your understanding of the fabric of times gone by, into tiny little pieces -that we can later recycle into toilet paper.

For recycling’s good and righteous in and of itself, is it not? And I can think of no better use.

Today I will shine a light into the dark corners of the past and even attempt to illuminate the spaces between a few ears. Today I will….

OK, hang on a second. That was a bad idea. All of you need to scoot back about twenty feet. My fault, I forgot a lot of you think patchouli oil and incense is a substitute for soap and a shower.

That’s better. So, now let’s take a little trip into…

No! Come on. Put that away! It’s not the kind of trip!

Of Human Bondage

Get your minds out of the gutter. Holy crap, this is going to be a rough day.

Our story begins way back at the dawn of recorded history. You know, were everyone was happy and the sky was blue and the water was clean and there were no real cures for the diseases that would frequently wipe out major portions of the earth’s population. Yes sir indeed, the good old days.

This is when the Greeks discovered democracy and little boys. The cute, little pygmies, in the pristine, old growth forest, communed with (and often were consumed by) nature. So long ago, that the Mormons were just settling into South America.

It was a great time to be alive, if you had wealth and power. It was a wonderful period in history in which to live, as long as your army always won the wars. Because if it didn’t, you might find yourself volunteering to build one of the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World! Cool, huh?

Put on your thinking caps here comes a pop quiz. For all the shiny marbles, do you know who actually built these magnificent structures? I’m sure you just assumed they were constructed by honest, union shops that had good benefits for their workers, which included paid vacations, free medical and generous retirement plans.

Buzzzz! Wrong answer there Bucky. Here’s a bit of info that you weren’t taught in school. (Eyes darting conspiratorially left and right as my voice drops down to a whisper) They were all built by slave labor. Each and every one of them.

POP!

Opps, there goes your bubble.

Gasp!

Yeah, I know. Shocking isn’t it?

But don’t worry. You won’t have to have done it for very long. Life expectancy for these workers was rather short. Except if you were really lucky, then Charlton Heston, er, ah, Moses would have freed you from that existence like he did the Jews in The 10 Commandments, just before you got turned into mortar.

* A little side note: Of all of the Seven Ancient Wonders Of the World, only the Pyramids of Egypt are still standing. It’s been estimated that it took 100,000 slaves over 20 years to build the Great Pyramid alone. A stunning monument to what can be accomplished if you have enough disposable people. I guess Egypt replaced the Israelites. They must have. After all, they had to get someone to do the jobs Egyptians won’t do.

The New Seven Wonders of the World

Hey, the world voted, so I guess we’re stuck with ‘em, unless you suspect fraud. I wonder how the pygmies voted? Maybe it was for the really big tree down by the river where the baboons ripped apart most of a neighboring tribe’s hunting party.

Actually, I do suspect voter fraud. Mexico, Central and South America are way over represented. They ended up with three out of seven, and all of them are religious in nature. This has got more Vatican fingerprints on it then an altar boy.

Chichen Itza and Machu Picchu were both built by slave labor. They were also the sites of brutal human sacrifices. The third one though, was not built by slave labor. Christ the Redeemer, the giant statue standing above Rio, was funded by generous donations to the Catholic Church. These were given by the impoverished and starving citizens of Brazil. Kudos to you all.

Hold on. Something’s fishy here. Lots of money being given by people with no cash? Makes me wonder if this is where Bill Clinton got the idea for raising huge campaign donations from Chinese busboys?

Huh. I’ll have to ask Chris C about this. He’d probably know.

The fourth New Wonder is the Colosseum in Rome. Some of you Liza Minnelli and Barbara Streisand fans know what happened there, seeing as how you own well-worn copies of Spartacus, and all.

How do I know about this? Good question. It shows that you’re paying attention, my pot-smoking friends. Sometimes in order to write authoritatively about a degenerative subject, one has to do distasteful research. I watched the Comedy Channel.

I could have sited Ben Hur but I’m trying to break with that theme and besides, the gay thing was funnier.

How about the Taj Mahal in India, the Great Wall of China or Petra in Jordan?

Want to venture a guess? Yeap, you’re catching on. Slave labor again.

* Another little side note: The Great Wall’s main portion took 100 years to build, while 2-3 million Chinese slaves died during the construction. Just think what they could do with the over 1.2 billion people they have at their disposal today. Maybe they could put on the Olympics or something.

But why stop at just these fourteen examples?

Just for fun. Take a look sometime at the list of “man made” UNDESCO World Heritage Sites. It’s an exciting journey through the marvels of forced labor and religious intolerance. Sometimes they’re even combined! All brought to you by the good folks at the United Nations.

We didn’t even get a chance this time, to touch on the building of the Russian Gulags or the at gunpoint construction projects by modern prisoners of war. So many shining examples of the basic goodness of mankind. I can still use the term “man”kind, can’t I?

Next time, we’ll explore more of the history of this fascinating subject and look at the solution.

Now if you’ll all stand-up and part wide, like the Red Sea, I’ll make my way out of here. Sorry, no hand shakes.

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