Since there has been much discussion about hippies on this great, and powerful weblog, it seems necessary to offer some scientific clarification to keep our readers on the same page. They need to know how to spot and identify the different species of hippie to determine the proper approach, handling, and beating method for each. This list is not intended to be all inclusive, but merely a handy reference guide to aid you in your day to day contact with the more prominent hippies varieties.

• Green Hippie – A hippie that has devoted itself to a mindless promotion of “nature,” even to the detriment of mankind. This variety of hippie can be found in various natural settings: Tree tops, city parks, the open ocean among others. It can be identified by its megalomaniacal sense of self-importance manifested by its belief that “the Earth” gives a rat’s ass about the existence of green hippies or their Tetrahydrocannabinol-retarded belief system.

  Other common identifiers of green hippies are their holding of anti-fur protest signs while wearing leather sandals, and their stench. While espousing their love for all things natural, green hippies can be quite violent. They have been known to drive railroad spikes into tress marked for harvesting, throwing noxious chemicals on celebrities wearing fur, and wreaking general havoc on construction sites, animal testing facilities, and whaling vessels.

  Green hippies should be approached with extreme caution. While beating green hippies with long handled rakes, expandable batons, or clubs made from the bones of baby seals can be a singularly enjoyable experience, I find the irony of them dying by natural causes, i.e being eaten by a bear, much more fulfilling.

• Anti-war Hippie – A hippie that has devoted itself to a skewed ideal of peace. The anti-war hippie’s notion of peace is the lack of war under any and all circumstances even at the cost of the oppression of an entire nationality or ethnic group of people. The anti-war hippie can be found at anti-war protests, military recruiting offices, school campuses, or any other area where there may be elements sympathetic to military causes that they feel need to be rooted out and destroyed.

  The anti-war hippie can be identified by their holding of signs that bear stupid slogans like “make love not war” or “no blood for oil”, their stupid chants of those same idiotic slogans, their shouts of “don’t taze me bro” followed by the loud sound of electricity arcing through their bodies, and their stench. While anti-war hippies like to talk about “peace” and pacifism, in groups they can be quite destructive.

  Anti-war hippies have been known to set fires to cars and buildings, assault police officers and civilians that aren’t listening to their Tetrahydrocannabinol-retarded ramblings, and to trample each other trying to get away from taser-wielding police officers. There are no special equipment needs to be considered when beating an anti-war hippie, you should be careful not to expose yourself to their blood, or their incoherent anti-war babbling.

• Communist Hippie – The communist hippie is a hippie that has devoted itself to communism. While they rarely call themselves communists, their ideals are squarely in line with those of Marx, Lenin, or Mao. One of the most famous communist hippies was John Lennon. He was able to take the Communist Manifesto and set it to music with the popular song “Imagine“.

  In case there is any doubt that this is the case, see the Rolling Stone article dedicated to this pile of steaming porcine feces masquerading as music. Communist hippies can be hard to find as many of them have shed their flowers, bare feet, and bell bottoms for Rolexes, Kenneth Coles, and Armani suits. They have taken up positions in state houses, court houses, and Congress.

  These hippies are the most insidious. They try to lure you in with their ideals of togetherness, and love for all mankind when their true goal is the destruction of the American ideals of individualism and the pursuit of happiness. These hippies should be beaten immediately on sight with any implement accessible at the time.

I hope this handy guide will aid you in any future contacts you may have with hippies. While there are other varieties of hippies out there, these are the most common, and most dangerous. Since the death of Steve Irwin, there have been few brave enough to study these species in their native habitats. Besides, hitting them with sticks is much more enjoyable.

If you found this guide handy, JumpOut has other guides including How Not to Get Killed by the Police at his own Law Enforcement Humor blog You Should Be Tasered.

Category: Humor Tags: guide, hippie species, Hippies, noads, Taxonomy