Diesel is one of the funniest humans on the face of the planet, which makes me question whether he is even an actual human being at all, but that’s not the point.
Chris C, who has been carrying the weight around here lately, interviews Diesel at Nothing to See Here. In the interview, Diesel talks about his book Antisocial Commentary (aff), which you should buy.
This got me thinking that I would like to publish my own book, I would write a book that was completely fictional, but claim it as a work of non-fiction. As a result, people would investigate, dig into my background, and find out that it’s not a work of non-fiction after all.
There would be all sorts of controversy around the whole thing. How the stories are completely fabricated, how I lied by calling it non-fiction. How I’m just like Jayson Blair with my made up stories that never happened. Then people would say, “How can you live with yourself?”
I would just laugh and smile and say, “Yeah. Look at all the free publicity I’m getting.”
Another possibility is that I could be like L. Ron Hubbard and start my own religion. Then I would ask people, “Did you pay any attention at all? Look the name of the main character. He’s named Norom, which is moron spelled backwards,” which, come to think of it, isn’t all too different from the Mormons and Joseph Smith’s account of an angel name Moroni, which is just Moron with an “I” at the at the end of it.
Then I would point out that his arch-nemesis is named Toidi, which is idiot spelled backwards. I would point out how ridiculous and implausible the story is, but all the members of my religion would just gasp, and say, “He has spoken the forbidden name of He who’s name cannot be spoken. Burn the Blasphemer!”
Within seconds I would be surrounded by an angry mob with pitchforks and torches. I would try to reason with them that it’s just a story, but people are stupid and irrational. The violent mob would cry for my blood to be spilled, threatening to erupt into a wanton riot. I would have no choice but to play along with the idea that I had created a religion. A superbly stupid one, but a religion none the less.
Then I would differentiate my pseudo-religion from other pseudo-religions by saying that you don’t get the 72 virgins if you blow yourself up and kill other innocent people in the name of Norom. You only get the 72 virgins if you strive to better yourself, and those around you. If you kill the innocent because they don’t follow Norom, then you get ass-raped for all eternity, by Toi… er, He who’s name cannot be spoken.
Most likely, it would be a sect of the Mormons, who added a gratuitous “m” to their name so they wouldn’t be the Morons. They would probably do something similar, and call themselves the Nortoms or something, even if they weren’t a sect of Mormons.
I would finish my speech by saying, “And Norom commanded, ‘Go forth and have many wives.’” Then the sub-retarded Nortoms would cheer, “All hail the glorious prophet. Long live the prophet.”
Stupid Nortoms. The book is fictional. I made it up.
Humor-Blogs.com will promote my stupid religion. I command it.
2004–2008
23 responses so far ↓
1 Skul // Sep 28, 2007 at 9:35 am
First things first.
Start by begging for donations.
2 Laurie // Sep 28, 2007 at 12:19 pm
Watch so someone doesn’t steel your idea. I can’t help but think how many religious texts or books had the same last line as yours “The book is fictional. I made it up.”
Only to have someone come along, erase the last line and sell it as religion to millions of sheep.
Just thinking out loud.
3 Laurie // Sep 28, 2007 at 12:19 pm
steal (sorry) I hate mispellings
4 richj // Sep 28, 2007 at 12:36 pm
FIAR is a prophet. All hail FIAR. He is always right.
5 the frogster // Sep 28, 2007 at 4:44 pm
O great one, I wait with my prayer rug rolled up under my arm to do thy bidding. What does Norom command?
6 Skul // Sep 28, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Geez, frogster, mecca is the OTHER way, turn around before you pinch a loaf.
7 RT // Sep 28, 2007 at 8:53 pm
You won’t be requiring sacrifices of any sort will you? I don’t like blood.
8 Skul // Sep 29, 2007 at 9:14 am
Unless it’s the blood of pigs on the way to the Bacon® factory.
9 Skul // Sep 29, 2007 at 9:16 am
Poop
Bacon®Bacon ®10 Skul // Sep 29, 2007 at 9:17 am
Did it again, BACON ®
11 RT // Sep 29, 2007 at 11:32 am
Bacon® will be a required vitamin. Yes, a fat and pork vitamin! YAY!
12 Diesel // Oct 1, 2007 at 11:34 am
I cannot abide your blasphemous teachings, as I am a follower of the prophet Drater G’nikcuf.
13 Chris C // Oct 1, 2007 at 12:31 pm
I just wanted to let everyone know that in honor of a special blog milestone my column today is open to the readers to create in the comments section. I have a great list of funny topics, and you can write what you like on any of them. It can be a sentence or two. It can be one hundred words.
But it is yours to create. So come on by and have at it.
14 Chris C // Oct 2, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Are you sure the ‘aliens as Gods’ angle isn’t an overfed market? Nobody really covers other kinds of gods these days.
15 Fiar // Oct 3, 2007 at 12:54 am
Skul, In the name of Norom, I command you to get it right when you invoke the sacred name of Bacon®
Laurie I only wish I could Know to what extent that’s the case.
Disciple Rich and Disciple Frogster Your ytidiputs is strong. I am sure there is a place in Heaven for each of you.
RT Three cheers for Vitamin Bacon®
Diesel I suspected as much
Chris Whoever said the aliens were gods? Did you even read the book? For the love of Toidi.
16 richj // Oct 3, 2007 at 12:25 pm
I found some virgins to sacrifice. Any takers?
17 the frogster // Oct 3, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Hmm. Drater G’nikcuf sounds wise and fair. I’d like to see a cage match between him and Norom, so I can worship the deity with the most street cred.
18 Skul // Oct 3, 2007 at 4:44 pm
I’ll take one richj, if it’s not too much trouble.
Is there a limit?
19 richj // Oct 3, 2007 at 7:02 pm
I only have 72. I stole them off some dead jihadi. They’re kinda fat and hairy, and look like pugs, but they’re virgins nonetheless.
20 Fiar // Oct 3, 2007 at 11:46 pm
Rich Are you sure you didn’t mean to say that they look like Pigs? Are they pigs? Bacon!®
FrogsterI’d like to see a showdown like that, but the last I heard, Drater G’nikcuf was pissing himself at the thought of facing Norom.
Skul Just don’t use the self-checkout line if you have more than 20. The people with only one will be pissed.
21 richj // Oct 4, 2007 at 1:32 am
No, not pigs. Pigs are beautiful and they give us Bacon!®.
Pugs, as in the dumbass ugly worthless pos “dogs”.
22 Fiar // Oct 5, 2007 at 10:26 pm
Rich I just wanted to make sure you weren’t defaming the good name of Bacon!® (before it becomes Bacon!®).
23 Church of Dim Sum // May 14, 2008 at 11:37 am
I already started one.
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