Diesel is one of the funniest humans on the face of the planet, which makes me question whether he is even an actual human being at all, but that’s not the point.

Chris C, who has been carrying the weight around here lately, interviews Diesel at Nothing to See Here. In the interview, Diesel talks about his book Antisocial Commentary (aff), which you should buy.

This got me thinking that I would like to publish my own book, I would write a book that was completely fictional, but claim it as a work of non-fiction. As a result, people would investigate, dig into my background, and find out that it’s not a work of non-fiction after all.

There would be all sorts of controversy around the whole thing. How the stories are completely fabricated, how I lied by calling it non-fiction. How I’m just like Jayson Blair with my made up stories that never happened. Then people would say, “How can you live with yourself?”

I would just laugh and smile and say, “Yeah. Look at all the free publicity I’m getting.”

Another possibility is that I could be like L. Ron Hubbard and start my own religion. Then I would ask people, “Did you pay any attention at all? Look the name of the main character. He’s named Norom, which is moron spelled backwards,” which, come to think of it, isn’t all too different from the Mormons and Joseph Smith’s account of an angel name Moroni, which is just Moron with an “I” at the at the end of it.

Then I would point out that his arch-nemesis is named Toidi, which is idiot spelled backwards. I would point out how ridiculous and implausible the story is, but all the members of my religion would just gasp, and say, “He has spoken the forbidden name of He who’s name cannot be spoken. Burn the Blasphemer!”

Within seconds I would be surrounded by an angry mob with pitchforks and torches. I would try to reason with them that it’s just a story, but people are stupid and irrational. The violent mob would cry for my blood to be spilled, threatening to erupt into a wanton riot. I would have no choice but to play along with the idea that I had created a religion. A superbly stupid one, but a religion none the less.

Then I would differentiate my pseudo-religion from other pseudo-religions by saying that you don’t get the 72 virgins if you blow yourself up and kill other innocent people in the name of Norom. You only get the 72 virgins if you strive to better yourself, and those around you. If you kill the innocent because they don’t follow Norom, then you get ass-raped for all eternity, by Toi… er, He who’s name cannot be spoken.

Most likely, it would be a sect of the Mormons, who added a gratuitous “m” to their name so they wouldn’t be the Morons. They would probably do something similar, and call themselves the Nortoms or something, even if they weren’t a sect of Mormons.

I would finish my speech by saying, “And Norom commanded, ‘Go forth and have many wives.’” Then the sub-retarded Nortoms would cheer, “All hail the glorious prophet. Long live the prophet.”

Stupid Nortoms. The book is fictional. I made it up.

Humor-Blogs.com will promote my stupid religion. I command it.

Category: Humor