Political Humor | I Agree. I am Awesome

It’s not easy being such a flawless model of perfection. I know I make it look that way, but the fact is that it’s a lot of hard work. I don’t want anyone to despair, though. Many of you may be thinking, “I can never be as incredibly perfect as Fiar is”

That’s true. You can’t be as impervious to fault as I am. Think of it like this: I’m a lot like Jesus. Not everyone can be perfect, and without sin, like Jesus was. Yet that doesn’t stop people from striving to be as close as possible. Millions of people, the world over, follow the example of Jesus. Even though the individuals fall short of the goal, they continue to try and learn from their shortcomings.

“I agree. I am awesome.”

Now simply apply the same intentions to being like me. See? There’s really no need to start feeling down. You don’t need to beat yourself up over your insufficiency. Yes, you are inadequate by comparison to me, but if you make it your mission every day to live your life in the most Fiarlike fashion you can muster, you will still achieve greatness relative to the rest of the world.

Every day, my email is flooded with questions from people that want to know how they can be as successful as me. They want to know what they need to do to live the lavish lifestyle that I live, in my imagination. Everyone wants to know how they can have an opulent home, like the one in which I reside, in my magnificent mind.

Since I receive these sorts of questions so often, I thought that it would be best if I just answer a few of the most common questions right here. Then when people ask, I can just point them towards this post. I have fixed some of the questions, to more accurately reflect the intentions of the inquisitive reader. For example, the first question was originally phrased, “Fiar is an asshole.”

How can I stop being jealous of the shining example of humanity that is Fiar?

First I would like to say, I’m glad you asked that. It’s important to recognize your weakness for what it is. You cannot improve until you first recognize that improvement is needed. Second, I agree. I am awesome. I think that you need to resolve the issues surrounding the feelings of shame and resentment that you harbor towards yourself. You need to find out why it is that you feel the need to pull others down, rather than lift yourself up.

My gain is not your loss. You should be able to look at my accomplishments as a beacon of hope, and inspiration. I lead by example. I suggest that you either seek counseling to figure out how to stop projecting the anger you have towards yourself on to me, or do some work with a life coach. I know you can do it. I have faith in you.

Can I bear your offspring?

I can fully understand your desire to spread the legacy of my legendary DNA and pass it on to future generations. If you are a man, I must inform you of three things:

1. That’s pretty creepy.
2. I’m not gay.
3. What you are suggesting is biologically impossible.

If you’re a woman, I must inform you that I’m taken. Either way, the answer is “No.” You will have to find the strength to go on without being the parent of a prodigy.

Are you really always right?

People tend to be incredulous toward my uncanny ability to always be right. They seem to think that just because they are wrong so frequently, that I must also be wrong, at least on rare occasions. This is the result of irrational thinking. It’s the process of assuming that other people have the same tendencies as you do. Other people may, but I don’t. Fitch is always right.

How do you prefer to be worshiped?

There’s really no need to worship me. I know I seem Godlike in my awesome grace, humility, and wisdom, but I’m a human being just like you - except better. Indeed, I am superior to all Earthly lifeforms, but I am not a God. That said, if you still wish to worship me, I prefer that all prayers begin and end with the phrase, “All hail to the glory of Fiar.”

Wow!

That’s not actually a question, but I do often render people speechless. When you are as extraordinary as I am, it’s just a standard response. Once again, I agree. I am awesome.

Those are five of the most common questions that I field on a daily basis. If you have any additional questions, please feel free to post them in the comments, or drop me a line with my contact form.

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