Political Humor | Specter Blames World’s Ills On Patriots

My Impartial Opinion

In keeping with the finest tradition of unbiased news reporting, I wish to disclose that I don’t follow team sports. I don’t really like team sports and don’t really see any need for them.

OK, maybe that’s not the tradition, but it should be.

Come on, you’ve just got to agree that dim witted, beer guzzling, foam finger waving, sub-zero no shirt wearing, body painting sycophants who waste their time following the on and off field exploits of overpaid, drug crazed, dog killing, steroid injecting, whinny, egotistical, thugs and hoodlums, should get off of their collective, couch potato, fat asses and start participating in a true extreme sport… surfing the World Wide Web.

I hear it’s going to be a new event in the 2012 Olympics, so start training now. Since you are reading this on a web site, I assume you agree with me and aren’t offended. You’re not… are you?

Well, either way, the fact remains, that you are reading this, thus proving that you have completed, at least, the fifth grade (that’s the level of this article) and so are head and shoulders above these near brain-dead fans.

You know the type. They shout at their 105 inch plasma TVs, from a worn out Lazy Boy which sits on a dog hair covered, beer and urine stained, thread-bare carpet that’s mostly covering the floor of a broken down single wide trailer, parked in Tornado Alley. They expect to not only be heard but also have their coaching advice followed to the letter. (Ed note: Are you spying on me? ~Fiar)

Any man who would continue to kill his few remaining brain cells by watching this garbage, and then getting all worked up over the rigged outcomes of these “professional” teams’ “athletic contest”, needs to grab up a dull butter knife and castrate himself. He doesn’t have the imagined cajones to actually participate in these “viral and masculine” endeavors, so he doesn’t need the real ones.

Any woman, who is like-minded, should have to marry one of these neutered weenies. That goes double (all though I don’t know just how that would work) for New England Patriots fans.

OK, maybe that’s going a bit too far. But can’t I at least give them a swift punt between their goal post?

The Facts

There’s something called Spygate and apparently, the Patriots are at the heart of it. I’m not really sure what it’s all about, but from a complete and exhaustive search of the Internet –lasting over three whole minutes and the help of Fiar, who pointed out that I was initially blaming the wrong team- I have deduced that it’s a cross between Watergate and the men’s room scandal involving Sen. Larry Craig (Gay) Idaho.

Apparently the Patriots where taping homo-erotic messages from other teams, which involved elaborate hand signals and foot tapping. They took these tapes back to their secret hideout to study them. I can only surmise that once they had cracked the code, the Patriots intended to blackmail their opposition. What a bunch of losers. I hear they even lost some big game or something.

To make matters worse, when the New England team was caught with their stretchy pants down, first they lied about it and then –in a very Nixon like move- destroyed at least 18 1/2 minutes of damming tape.

Sen. Arlen Specter (RINO) Pennsylvania, who is infuriated over all of this (and apparently has nothing better to do), stated in a press conference, that was held on May 14th,

They (New England) are enormous role models for everybody. If you can cheat in the NFL, you can cheat in college, you can cheat in high school, you can cheat on your grade-school math test. There’s no limit as to what you can do.

“There’s no limit as to what you can do.” There it’s as plain as the nose on your face. How much more do you need to know?

For the benefit of those few who haven’t quite pieced it all together yet, I’ll spell out this rather obvious conclusion for you. What this means is, is that every single problem facing us today, can be directly traced back to the New England Patriots. You say that you want proof? Sorry, that’s really not the job of a news reporter.

Global warming? Trace it back and you’ll find them at the end of that twisted trail. Food shortages, high gas prices, pedophile priest, the credit crisis, earthquakes in China, gay marriage in California, typhoons in Burma, your hair falling out? Everything wrong on planet earth today has a direct link to these unscrupulous SOBs in New England.

Where are these guys from anyway? Every one else has a city attached to their name. This team’s hiding in a region. Very suspicious.

You still need more evidence before you’re convinced that this team is the very dictionary definition of evil? Then turn off the TV and spend some time searching through the mountains of evidence that surely can be found on the Web…somewhere. If you actually find anything, please let me know. It seems that for some reason -that I can’t fully understand- facts make a story more believable.

Well, I’ve spent enough time on this. I need to get back and change my Safe Search Filtering preferences on Google Images. There’s a lot of Internet to surf out there, and I am in training.

By the way, if you know of any good sites…

(Ed note: there are some good sites on Humor-Blogs.com ~Fiar)