I spent most of the day huddled under my desk, sobbing, and gently rocking to soothe myself. I spend most days like this, and I’m sure that most of you fellow chicken hawk/yellow elephants can relate. It’s what cowards do. The fierce battle cry, “Bacon!” has steeled my resolve, and just now, I found the courage to slither out from my makeshift den of safety, and sit at the desk instead of under it to make an admission.

We often hear of those who support the troops, but not the war. There are some who believe that it’s not possible, and that these are inconsistent positions. They’re not. It’s entirely possible to value the lives of the troops deeply, and want them back home, safe, instead of fighting a concocted war against a contrived enemy.

Well, I need to admit something. I support the War, but not the troops. I mean, I want them to win, but I don’t care about them as human beings. Why should I? I don’t know them. They’re not me, and that’s the most important thing.

We all know about the benefits of a War for Oil, like 12 cents a gallon gasoline, and cheap vinyl siding. With winter approaching, I need cheap heating oil too. I put my support behind the war effort 100%, as long as I don’t have to fight it. BTW, you’re next Canada. France, you might as well surrender now.

Where was I?

Who cares about the losers whining about “Ooh 3000 people died on 9/11.” So! I wasn’t one of them. It really didn’t affect me any. Work got slow for a little while, but that’s about it. That was FIVE years ago. Move on already. 3000 people I don’t know died. 3000 people I don’t know die all the time.

The “terrorists” got lucky. It’s not going to happen again, but it sure made a good pretext for war, didn’t it? We tell everyone, about “terrorists” threatening our way of life, and the public says, “We gotta go to war!” But it’s really just about Capitalist, imperialism, and oil. Sweet, delicious, fattening oil.

So, I definitely support the war. It’s getting tiresome, though, pretending to care about the troops. They’re people I don’t know too. So what?

I’m pretty selfish. I can’t think of even one time I’ve put the needs of others before myself. I’ve never been one to do selfless things, like take care of my girlfriend and her daughter when she was crippled, and unable to walk after a major knee surgery.

Or buy my girlfriend’s house so she wouldn’t lose her home because she was laid off, and in danger of foreclosure. Or take care of her daughter for a year while she worked all week long in a different state, 8 hours away. I just don’t do those sorts of things that other people do when they feel compassion for their fellow humans.

I guess it’s not all that hard to “support the troops,” though. Buy a yellow magnet made in China, and tell people, “I support the troops.” But, it just gets so tiresome. I think the magnet is ruining the paint job too.

I admit it. I’m a selfish prick, and I don’t care about anyone. We pay those guys over there. Quit crying and do your freaking job. We need oil.

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Category: Caustic Sarcasm