Political Humor | I Will Rule Everything!

Frank J. has announced his agenda, (Part 2) and Fmragtops has taken the gutless coward’s way out and bowed out at the first sign of competition. Now that I am not assured a position in charge of invading other countries to steal their oil - In fact, Frank J. Makes no mention of oil at all - I am announcing my campaign for Cruel, deranges, bloodthirsty Despot of the Universe.

First and foremost, I pledge to kill as many foreigners as necessary to take control of the entire world’s oil supply. This may seem harsh, and many will die, but I don’t care, because I will be safely tucked away in my opulent “undisclosed location” watching all the glorious carnage on the biggest HDTV technology can develop.

What this country needs is a ruthless, demented, psychotic dictator. While many of the Reality Freebased community shriek incoherently about “Bush the terrorist,” and “Bush the war criminal,” I have yet to see the evidence of the murdered children, and savage butchery that I have demanded.

My first order of business will be to round up all vegetarians and vegans for “retraining,” as it will be officially designated - regardless of what that actually involves - because anyone who is too much of a pansy to let someone else kill an animal so that they may provide sustenance for their bodies is sure to cause problems when it comes to the wholesale slaughter of people from whatever idiotic, Not-America country that must be annihilated.

President Bush made a grave mistake going into Iraq under pretenses of threats that are “gathering” but “not yet imminent,” deposing Saddam, and “planting the seed of Democracy in the Middle East.” The result is that we still don’t have their oil, and we are fighting with half assed effort, and shoddy results. We have to maintain a facade, after all.

I will invade Canada. Our neighbors to the North have a bountiful supply of oil, and once they see the superiority of our military to theirs, they will capitulate. This will act as an example to the rest of the world. France will have already surrendered, and many nations will choose to be bought out, rather than face American Might.

I am willing to stand aside if Fmragtops finds his gonads and rejoins the race, or if Frank J. promises to put me in charge of invading other countries to steal their oil. That’s all I ever wanted anyway. I’m not a megalomaniac, but I will not be a candy ass and concede, simply because there is competition.