Political Humor | John Nobody vs Don Lewis Presidential Debate

Welcome everyone to the 2008 Political Humor Presidential Debate between independent candidates John Nobody and Don Lewis. Despite the fact that both men have great ideas for how to move this country forward neither has a remote shot at beating even Ralph Nader.
None the less we plod along.

Tonight’s questions for the candidates will be asked by Fiar and Les, our moderators. Fiar we begin with you…

Fiar: Don how do you plan to punish poor people for taking out loans they couldn’t afford to repay, thus leading to the current financial crisis?

Don: I think there has been enough talk about blame. Now is the time for us to come together as a nation. Rich and poor alike have a part to play in the American Experience. The poor are absolutely necessary to provide the bones, muscles and flesh of the glorious tapestry that is the United States. The rich should continue as they have always done and feast upon their fattened carcasses.

John: Unfortunately my opponent feels exploiting the poor is the way to go to get the economy moving again. He’s the type of person that when approached by a homeless person for spare change will ask “got change for a hundred?” Taxing the poor would be better because they pay nothing in taxes.

Don: Once again, we see the tax and spend mentality coming to the forefront in my opponents schemes. My “Eat the Poor” plan will furnish jobs for butchers, food service personnel, and I might add, create quality family dining time for the well to do. All without increasing the tax burden of the poor.

Les: John, what is the most vicious unsubstantiated rumor about your opponent that you plan to use in a smear campaign against him?

John: Where do I start? There are so many to choose from, but if I had to make a decision it would have to be that he once posed nude for Playgirl and it only sold 134 copies. Christ, Nancy Pelosi’s book sold more copies for crying out loud and she posed in a burka.

Don: My opponent once again is playing fast and loose with the facts. Playgirl has never sold more than 134 copies per issue. I mean, yuk! He also fails to point out that all the profits I received for this outstanding example of tasteful, neo-classical performance art was donated to the “Children Without Stock Portfolios” fund.

Fiar: Don Lewis, as President, you have been given the opportunity to significantly lower one tax, but there’s a catch, you have to first put a celebrity to death, who would you choose and why?

Don: I intend to nuke Hollywood and clear the National Debt.

John: As you can clearly see my opponent is taking the easy way out. How many times have we heard the ‘just nuke all the actors and everything will be puppies and rainbows’ talk. I also don’t need to remind you that the people that make nuclear weapons also contributed heavily to Don Lewis’ campaign as well as subsidized his trips to play castles and dragons on the weekends.

Who’s getting kickbacks for nuking all the actors?

[John points his thumb at Don Lewis]

That guy.

Les: John, Senator Obama has already designed his own Presidential Seal, what would yours look like?

John: I don’t know about my seal but I know what my opponent’s would be. I think this speaks highly of both his laissez-faire attitude and low intelligence level.

What Don worry?

Don: My opponent has chosen to associate me, in a disparaging manner, with an icon of the American free-market system; the symbol of a great magazine that has influenced budding politicians and nascent humor writers for many decades. Alfred E. Neuman represents the American ideals of hard work, the can-do spirit, and if I may be so bold; Matthew 6:34 which exhorts us “…don’t ever worry about tomorrow. After all, tomorrow will worry about itself.

My opponent may be comfortable spitting on America and the Bible. I never will.

John: My opponent is an atheist, practices bestiality and has underarms that smell like warm cabbage on the sidewalk in July.

Don: My opponent likes to donkey punch prostitutes who don’t take coupons.

Well that ends the 2008 Political Humor Presidential Debate and frankly, I am not sure who actually won but it wasn’t the voters. Good night America.
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Chris Cameron writes this weekly column every Thursday here at the home for political humor Radioactive Liberty. He also has his own form of funny at his humor blog Angry Seafood.

When he isn’t campaigning for President Don Lewis can be found at his humor blog It’s a Funny Thing.

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