I am destined to be the Cruel, Deranged, Bloodthirsty, Despot of the Universe, so I have no need for things like campaign platforms and elections. However, since I will soon be 35 years of age, and a natural born American citizen, I’m actually eligible for the job.
I have just as much experience at being President as all the front runners, by which I mean none. As an added bonus, I’m probably only half as corrupt. Of course, I would still enthusiastically abuse any power given to me, but I don’t have the running start they do.
In the coming election, I plan to vote for myself, because no one can represent my views as well as I can. Let’s face the facts. I have a perfect record of agreeing with my political views. Any other candidate could only come close.
Obviously, I need to determine what my first act as President would be. If I’m going to vote for myself, I need to know what I stand for. I’m not going to vote for a candidate without being well informed on his agenda. It’s an essential step in voting with a clear conscience.
We need a better energy policy.
It occurred to me that we need a better energy policy. With our ability to drill for domestic oil being sabotaged by dirty hippie eco-commies, foreign oil being controlled by psychotic nutjobs, hysterical pseudo-scientific ravings about global warming, and an ever growing demand for energy in India and China, we really need to take control of our energy needs.
- We could use nuclear energy, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
- We could drill in ANWR, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
- We could invade other countries and steal their oil, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
It seems clear that every good solution to our energy problems has a common thread → Dirty hippies standing in the way of progress.
I was struck with an epiphany. All of our problems can be resolved by developing an alternative energy source out of dirty hippies. All living things contain carbon, and thus, the possibility of being transformed into an energy source.
The benefits of Hippie fuel.
In addition to providing the nation with it’s energy needs, using hippies as fuel also solves the problem of hippies standing in the way of progress.
- Every time a hippie protests our plans to invade a country of fanatical blood cultists, he gets turned into a few more gallons per mile for our citizens.
- Whenever someone attempts to advance Communism under the disguise of protecting our ecology, a recycling plant can continue to operate a little cheaper.
- Wherever global warming is mentioned, a poor person will keep a little warmer for the winter.
- Anytime a new nuclear facility is opposed, the city lights will stay on a little longer.
Hippies also seem to think that the Earth is overpopulated, and that humans are not part of the ecosystem, but rather, a deadly plague to our planet. It seems like they would be perfect volunteers to help solve both problems simultaneously, by agreeing to be ground into an oily paste.
I’ve even invented a great product name and catchy marketing slogan for my alternative hippie fuel. I figured out that hippies like soy, “Green” is the catch-all phrase of choice for their crypto-Communism, and I plan to turn them into oil.
I combined the words “soy, oil, and green.” I call it “Soylent Green.” I’ll have to look up and make sure the name isn’t already trademarked or something.
I know you’re already blown away by my awesome idea, but wait until you check out my marketing campaign.
Of the people, By the people, For the people. Soylent Green - It’s made of people!™
As genius as my idea is, I realized that it would take a bit of public support to get it passed into law. So I decided that instead of shooting for my revolutionary energy policy right off the bat, I would start by creating a new public holiday. Everyone would cheer, “Yay! Another day off with pay!” My popularity would shoot through the roof.
Then I would pass my hippie fuel bill. Then I would tax the poor.
What would you do as your first act as President?
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2004–2008
17 responses so far ↓
1 Matt // Nov 19, 2007 at 3:22 pm
Ok I am voting for you. Heck you can’t do as bad as the incumbent did.
2 richj // Nov 19, 2007 at 3:49 pm
Would your “Soylent Green” initiative come before or after killing and eating all the muslim babies? I think both policies would complement each other quite nicely. Two, or three, birds with one stone and all. I will vote for you, and I will gladly be your loyal jackbooted thug when you take over the world as long as I get to be the CEO of your people-powered oil company.
Oh, my first act as president would be to grind up all gummint beauracrats and make breakfast sausage. Almost a good as bacon since it’s still made out of pork.
3 Derek E // Nov 19, 2007 at 5:57 pm
And think if we run out of hippies, there is always China’s over population.
4 Chris C // Nov 19, 2007 at 6:55 pm
yah but then we would be hungry an hour later.
waka waka that old gag…
5 JACC // Nov 19, 2007 at 8:49 pm
“What would you do as your first act as President?”
Two countries at the same time.
It’s every guy’s fantasy isn’t it?
6 Pope Terry // Nov 20, 2007 at 1:26 am
I think I would have to destroy Bob Goen, yes thats right the ex-host of E.T. If you do the math its quite obvious hes responsible for half the worlds problems, or Boblems as I call them. But as long as you promise to do this I will vote for you instead.
7 the frogster // Nov 21, 2007 at 11:41 am
“Soylent Green.” Clever. That idea’s got legs. Even if you don’t use it as your platform, you could probably use the idea for a song or a poem or a short story.
8 Derek E // Nov 21, 2007 at 11:57 am
There is only one problem. You are not Chuck Norris Approved. HEEEYEEHAAA!!!!!
9 Eileen // Nov 21, 2007 at 9:01 pm
I was raised by Hippies.
We even had a VW Bus (which I think used the same kind of Gasoline as the vehicles that non hippies drove) and we went to rock festivals, and had toys like peace signs and mood rocks.
When the growups had brownies, the kids got different brownies.
As far as my dad’s friends, the ones that fried their brains on stuff stronger than the stuff in the brownies, they already died. It is too late to use them for fuel.
But my dad is still alive.
If your platform was to use Hippies for fuel, and you were running against Bush (and no one else was on the ballot) I think he would vote for you.
10 Chris C // Nov 22, 2007 at 1:07 am
My only concern is the toxic fumes from the burning of tie-dyed clothing. That cannot be good for the enviroment, so we will want to be sure the hippies are not wearing any when we use them for fuel.
This will be tough also to use them for fuel in the summertime as they often wear winter clothes during that time of year. And the knitting at town meetings, will that burn well? What about their gray ponytails? Will those burn without toxic fumes?
11 RT // Nov 22, 2007 at 10:12 am
Happy Thanksgiving!
12 Skul // Nov 22, 2007 at 10:50 pm
Dear FIAR, have a Happy Thanksgiving.
Bite me.
So there.
Hey people, somebody had to do it.
Hope ya had a good one ol’ man.
Skul
13 Lord Likely // Nov 23, 2007 at 9:12 am
I think Hippy fuel would produce far more harmful gases than regular fuel. All that dirt, all that grime…eugh!
14 Fiar // Nov 23, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Matt I am a firm believer in not voting for any incumbents.
Rich Obviously the Hippie fuel initiative comes first, so as to reduce the risk of DMB for food protests. You will make a loyal and trusted advisor, and I will be thrilled to take credit for your Bureaucrat sausage idea.
Derek Even a population of one is too many in China. But there should be plenty of free parking.
Chris I feel a bit of indigestion after that gag. Waka waka!
JACC Indeed it is.
Pope Terry I shall rid the world of all it’s boblems, as per your request.
Frogster I think I just got an idea for a movie!
Derek Chuck Norris doesn’t need to voice his approval, he can send me his approval with his mind.
Eileen Just say no to hash brownies. Why am I not surprised you were raised by hippies?
Chris and Lord Likely Think about the source of what we’re using for fuel now. I mean, dinosaur poop and hippie stench are fairly similar, yet we don’t think about that when we fill up the tank. I will be sure to introduce a method of refinement that is safe, efficient, and effective. Don’t worry, the end result will smell no worse than the aroma of standard gasoline.
RT Thanks. I hope your Thanksgiving was a happy one as well.
Skul Right back at you.
15 RT // Nov 24, 2007 at 4:26 pm
Thanks for the link!
16 Vampirklown // Nov 27, 2007 at 4:25 pm
While I share your views about the dirty hippies
I feel we’re still years away from properly turning them into fuel. I believe the best way of disposing . I’m sorry I mean utilizing the dirty filthy godless hippies is by filling the many pot holes that plaque our nations highways. with their lifeless corpses. Assuming the die by
natural causes of course.
17 kate // Nov 27, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Fitch for President!!!!!!
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