Political Humor | New Banking Service: ‘Future Identity Blocker’

By Chris C

Yesterday I got an email informing me of an incredible bank, The Credit Union National Association with an amazing new service. At first I was skeptical, especially a bank with an odd name. But then I figured maybe they are so big that they decided to take the whole branding thing a few notches higher by using: ‘association’. Trust is important in a relationship with a building that stores your hard-earned cash while using it to create more money that other people can use. I smell communism.

This new feature just blows me away. It is called ‘Future Identity Blocker’. What it does it tell you a few days ahead when someone attempts to make an illegal withdrawal. Think ‘Minority Report’ but Tom Cruise is a bank consumer accounts manager. Same-type role but with even less acting required.

Here is the email:

——– Original Message ——–
Subject: Notice : Security Message from CUNA
From: “Credit Union National Association”<service@cuna.org>
Date: Wed, October 31, 2007 3:37 am
To:

Dear Credit Union holder account,

CUNA is constantly working to ensure security by regularly screening the accounts in our system. We recently reviewed your account, and we need more information to help us provide you with secure service. Until we can collect this information, your access to sensitive account features will be limited. We would like to restore your access as soon as possible, and we apologize for the inconvenience.

- Why is my account access limited?

- Your account access has been limited for the following reason(s):

- * November 4, 2007: We have reason to believe that your account was accessed by a third party. Because protecting the security of your account is our primary concern, we have limited access to sensitive Credit Union account features. We understand that this may be an inconvenience but please understand that this temporary limitation is for your protection.

(Your case ID for this reason is THEFT-3150019066.)

A theft-3150019006! Must be banker code for a ‘ future b and e’. After saving my money tonight, Tom will try and prevent a robbery Sunday. This bank is so good they even got the email out before it was actually sent. Not only did they notify me of a potential problem four days in advance but they also sent the email back to the future. Hello McFly!

Man, a bank that can foresee future theft. Finally a solution to those pesky internet thieves. I am going to click the link they sent me and set up an account with them pronto. Screw BankNorth with their free checking. Why they even called me by phone when a potential red flag came up on my account. That is so yesterday.

Worst of all, BankNorth froze my account as a ’security precaution’ until I returned their call. Sure, they say that is the reason but we all know banks like to run up overdraft fees with their crafty ways of how and when they deposit your money.

I think with this new bank there will be much less shadiness. They will be more focused on protecting my identity. My money will be safe with them and I recommend you follow my lead so you can rest easily as well.

Association! It sounds very trustworthy to me.

Chris Cameron is a freelance writer and his odd, decadent viewpoint of life can also be read at: Angry Seafood.

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