By Chris C

Here in the fine town of Nowhere, Idaho this is a big election year as we look forward to crowning a new mayor. Usually there is an incumbent and a challenger, but our former leader, Johnny Adolf, was recently killed in a bizarre accident involving Frosted Flakes™ and bananas.

The children made jokes, saying it was the work of a cereal killer.

We all laughed when they did because no one in Nowhere liked him anyways. He was a pathetic person. One time he punted a puppy. When we found his body, some of the residents began beating it with their shoes.

This year we have two challengers, Bob Johnson, a member of the ‘Liberating-Your- Money-From-Your-Wallet’ Party and Bill Lynch, from the ‘Bend-Over’ Party.

The election year is short here in Nowhere and the mayoral debate is one of the few times the entire town gets the opportunity to judge the candidates’ stand on the issues for themselves.

Like with most election seasons it gets down and dirty, and in this close-knit town the skeletons in the closet are well-known. The debates are always a mix of politics, Snaps, and Jerry Springer all rolled up into one. The host of the event was McLean Stevenson from the hit television sitcom ‘Hello Larry’.

Larry: What would you do if there was a terrorist attack in Nowhere?

Bob: Firstly, I would recommend all of us go to the bomb shelter under the town library.

Bill: I would also recommend we bring Bob’s wife with us in case we are in there for a few days.

Larry: How do you feel about illegal immigration?

Bob: I strongly feel that Bill may not be an immigrant, but most of his business ventures are rarely legal.

Bill: Good one Bob. So how many Chinese kids are locked up in the basement of your shoe factory?

Larry: What is your stance on abortion?

Bob: My opponent feels strongly in favor of them. He should, his niece has had twelve so far and she’s only sixteen.

Bill: Sadly, if abortion was legal forty-two years ago years ago, I may not have an opponent in this race.

Larry: What are your thoughts on Gay rights?

Bob: If my challenger wants to come out of the closet that is his right.

Bill: I didn’t sleep with every man, woman and sheep that moved in my college years, unlike you. Was there a species you didn’t have the hots for Bob?

Larry: What would you do to create jobs in the community?

Bob Johnson: Bill, you are so incompetent it is a wonder you remember to inhale regularly.

Bill Lynch: Well, at least I know better then to tap my toe twice in an airport bathroom Bob.

Larry: How would you stop global warming?

Bob: Ha! It was one tap sir. You, on the other hand – not the one that you were signaling someone in the next stall with – have breath that smells like hot garbage.

Bill: I am just glad my daughter hasn’t slept with half the football team. So Bob, has she made it to the jayvee guys yet?

Just as in past years, the debate was a rousing success and it really gave the citizens of this exemplary town a true gauge on where the candidates stand on the issues. It was another shining example of how political system still works in this country – especially in small communities like Nowhere, Idaho.

Chris C is a freelance writer with a cracked mind. The result is what you have just read. To read his other works of not-so-brilliant humor or find out more about his hometown, visit Nothing to See Here.

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Category: Political Humor Tags: Political Humor