Political Humor

A few months ago John McCain envisioned what 2012 would be like if he was President. I imagine more arguing and menial accomplishments from my government in the next four years but I am being an optimist after all. The best possible outcome is a deadlocked legislature because they can’t screw anything up if they can’t agree what to do.

None the less I did some digging on this story during my writing break and I am proud to announce I have obtained John McCain’s diary from the future if he were elected. The journal was odd in that it wasn’t day-to-day but rather just when he wanted to make note of something or actually remembered to.

It is a telling account of the world we will live in and what special interest group will make out from a McCain presidency.

2/02/09

“Some are already making claims that I am incontinent. I have begun eating prunes to help combat this perception.”

8/25/09

“Being incontinent cropped up again this week in the news. I’ve asked my press secretary to increase the prune feedings to twice daily.”

1/01/10

“New Year’s resolution: more prunes.”

4/30/10

“Again with the incontinent remarks. I have pooped three times already this month. I do not understand what these people want from me.”

7/02/10

“This is the third time this week the media has referred to my incontinence.”

10/20/10

“Must…get…prunes. Haven’t pooped in a week.”

12/31/10

“Again my resolution is more prunes. Why must the press harp on my incontinence?”

5/20/11

“I signed legislation that will give subsidies to prune and fiber farmers. Showed the country I give a poop about them.”

6/11/11

“I am not leaving the bathroom until I have pooped twelve times, once for each Cabinet member so I can show them who’s incontinent.”

7/01/11

“My press secretary has finally pulled me aside and told me everyone was calling me incompetent.

I’ve cancelled future prune shipments. And I’ve decided to nuke Iran.”

Chris Cameron’s weekly political humor columns magically appear here every Thursday at Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty. You can also read his odd and twisted humor at his own humor blog, Angry Seafood.

Create a Humor-Blogs.com account and vote for your favorites.

But Wait, There’s More

The following is a cheesy infomercial designed to tempt you into getting something you don’t really want or need.

(Fade in)

Tired of the same old two party system and that nagging, self-righteous, whining from those candidates? Wish there were alternatives? Now there are.

But you say, “What’s the difference between Democrats and Republicans? They all look alike to me. I’m sure there can’t be anyone different out there. There can’t be anyone who isn’t that same old gingerbread, cookie cutter politician, just sporting different frosting, and time in the oven, can there be?

Yes, there can be! (Bad English but wonderful infospeak)

They’ve been around for some time, but you just haven’t really heard from them -mostly because they don’t try very hard. They’re the poor, redheaded stepchildren of the American political system. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Libertarian and Green Parties!

(Applause)

Want to know more about these exciting, underrated alternatives to the mainstream political center-ground but don’t know where to look? Want to understand the issues and platforms of these two struggling underdogs but don’t have the time? Have we got a product for you.

The good folks at Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty, a subsidiary of Fly by Night LLC, which is wholly owned by Big Blogs Inc and chaired by the entertainer formerly know as Fiar, have taken the guesswork out of choosing a third party candidate.

Our patented fact finding and grinding software allows us to digest vital information and then pass it on to you in easy to manage, digital form.

How much would you be willing to pay for critical analysis like this? One hundred devalued dollars? Two hundred?

You’re not going to believe this. Are you sitting down? Ready? For a very limited time, it’s absolutely free. That’s right. Free, with your subscription to Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty.

Get timely, hard-hitting, factual examinations, ripped from today’s AP headlines, sent right to your PC or laptop. Subscribe to the RSS feed or email today.

But wait, there’s more! If you order before midnight tonight, we’ll throw in a handsome, commemorative Ron Paul joke at no additional charge. That’s a savings of over… some very large amount… that we can’t even begin to calculate.

Order yours today!

Offer not valid in blue states.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program.

(Fade to black)

The Alternative Voter’s Guide

Being the honest, hard working folks you are, I’ve no doubt that you’ve subscribed. So I’ll go on ahead.

I recently spent a little time glancing over the platforms of both the Green and the Libertarian Parties. I figured I’d just take a peek so I could be a lot more informed than most voters about these two groups. Then I could pass it on to you. Here’s what I remember about them.

The Green Party’s platform reads like a wish list. It contained a lot of “shoulds”. You know, like we should do this and should do that. Very little substance in there and a lot of good intentions. Isn’t that what the road to hell is paved with?

The Libertarian Party’s platform reads like the preamble to the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence, or something. We the People in order to break with the cult of oppressive government, or some such crap. I got bored and started skipping around.

The Green Party thinks drugs are OK. So does the Libertarian. I like drugs, they keep my blood pressure regulated and when I have a headache, drugs take away the pain. I’m good with this.

Both seem to favor a women’s right to choose. This is a touchy point and I’m going to do the same thing as they did with this issue, I’ll skirt it. Or maybe I should pants suit it instead.

Greens think we need more government control to curb evil big business and wealthy people. Libertarians like wealthy, evil people and corporations.

Libertarians believe in free speech, free enterprise, free sexual expression, and guns for everyone!

Libertarians are anarchists.

Greens want government to put a stop to “isms”, like racism, sexism and ageism. I’ve said it before, “isms” are beliefs. Tough little buggers to kill. They also want to abolish fear. That’s what they said. I’m not making this up. They want to end homophobia, the fear of homos. Their words (sort of), not mine. It’s government indoctrination camps for all!

Greens are communist.

Both parties believe in peaceful co-existents with the rest of the world and a policy of non-aggression.

Both parties are pussys.

Meet The Candidates: Bob Barr (L) and Ralph Nader (G)

After exhausting myself by not doing any additional research, I will now attempt to choose a candidate the same way as most voters. I’ll do it on looks and the very little that I think that I know about each of them.

First Impressions

Ralph Nader is a white male, so I can clearly not choose him.

Bob Barr is also a white male, so I can clearly not choose him.

Both Barr and Nader knew they were white males and knew that I would know this. Thus playing the race card. So I can clearly not choose either of them.

Ralph Nader looks disheveled. Obviously, he won’t care how the White House lawns look either. But Nader is crafty. He would try to use his lack of grooming as a lever to wedge himself into a place in my mind that screams at me… bigot! But who else but a slob and hate monger would attempt such tactics?

Bob Barr has a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Barr must be a fascist. But Barr would know that I would know that Hitler had a mustache. He would count on it. He would also count on me thinking that no one would wear a mustache if they were a fascist. Ipso facto, he really must be one.

I astound myself with my dizzying intellectual reasoning capacity.

Name Recognition

Ralph Nader, I remember as the guy who didn’t like the Corvair. I liked the Corvair, especially, the turbo-charged model. I had a friend who had one and let me tell you…

Bob Barr, I’ve never hear of before, but his name sounds too much like a TV game show host. I don’t want a president who decides vital issue by using Let’s Make A Deal or The Price is Right as a policy model. That’s my final answer.

I Know a Little, so I Can Deduce …

Ralph Nader doesn’t drive. He never learned. So he relies on others to do things for him, that he finds abhorrent. Nader therefore, must secretly endorse torture chambers and animal abuse.

Bob Barr use to be a Republican. That’s like saying he use to be in the Costa Nostra.

Ralph Nader has run for president more times then he has fingers and he never even gets close to winning.

Bob Barr says he’s for a peaceful world, but his running mate has the initials W.A.R.

Both have My Space pages. Isn’t that were all the degenerates hang out, trolling for under aged “dates”. So I can clearly not choose either of them.

Here are My Conclusions

The biggest loser and communist, Ralph Nader is a racist, white male, sicko, hater, with bad personal hygiene, who likes to watch others drown puppies.

The Caucasian mobster, Bob (Don) Barr has commitment issues and is a racist, fascist, warmonger perv, who hides behind big words and a little moustache.

And they’re both pussys.

I almost fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never vote for a third party when your countries life is on the line. I can clearly not choose from the candidates in front of me.

I think I’ll just choose the Iocane powder.

Dedicated to the loving memory of Rob Reiner, who isn’t dead yet. In fact, I hear he’s feeling better. 

For subscribers only 

If you haven’t subscribed, please do so before going any further. 

Oh, I see how it is.  I’ll bet you watch PBS without subscribing either.

Four Other Famous Ralphs

Ralphie, A Christmas Story

Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners

Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons

Japanese Ralph, George H.W. Bush

Sign up for Humor-Blogs.com and vote for your favorite Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty posts.

Today is Bastille Day. This is the day that the French celebrate (July, 14 1789) the very last time that they ever had any guts to stand up for what is right.

Oh, sure, there are some Frenchmen who aren’t spineless jellyfish, but I don’t know of any, so I think I had better stay away from making rash generalizations based on hearsay, and anecdotal evidence.

What reason do you have to Bash the French?

Well, they’re French. Isn’t that reason enough? It’s not really a visceral hatred that I feel for the French. It’s more like a primeval urge to fire off insults. In fact, I think it is actually a primitive instinct encoded in the psyche of all humans.

Huh? What the heck does that mean?

It is my postulate that the “French Hating” gene is the root cause of my desire to subject yellow bellied Frenchies to unprovoked assaults on their personal characters. The French of course have the gene as well. It causes them to cower in fear at the threat of even a mild verbal disagreement.

Where does the “French Hating” gene come from?

Good question… Hey, who’s asking me these questions? Where are you? Many thousands of years ago, there was Neanderthal Man (pronounced “I-surrender-man). Named for the region of France in which Neanderthal Man’s bones were first discovered. Modern day humans are derived from another ancient human species called Cro-Magnon Man (pronounced gun-toting-redneck-man).

It is theorized that Cro-Magnon Man actually migrated into Neanderthal Man’s territory, and as food was scarce, deadly competition ensued in the quest for survival. Proponents of this theory postulate that Cro-Magnon Man killed off Neanderthal man, rendering him to the ultimate surrender - extinction.

My theory is that this is the birth of the “French Hating” gene. Our ancestors came to France, and wiped out their population, thus forever etching into our collective psyches the notion that the French are our mortal enemies. So, French bashing is just the natural order of things.

There is a phenomenon wherein people who attend prestigious universities acquire a dangerous mental defect that reverses the French hating, America loving tendencies into French respecting, America hating tendencies. I attribute this to a lack of competitive collegiate football teams at these universities. Sure, they may be competitive at uninteresting endeavors, such as: Chess, baseball, rowing, basketball, or debate team, but it’s good for society to have large men proving their manliness by rhino charging a locker.

Why would I want to do such a mindlessly stupid and destructive thing like that, eh?

Where are you? Come out of hiding. To answer your question, you wouldn’t because you are a sissy. Healthy American football players, or Aussie rugby players would though, because it show that they are tough. Chicks like that.

“I’m a lover not a fighter” is a pick up line. It’s not a way of life, except for weenies like you. Chicks like a guy that will pummel a potential attacker into a bloody puddle of mush if need be, not someone that will hide in a corner and cry like a little girl who skinned her knee. Hey, at least the girl skinned her knee before crying.

Back to my point, not only is making a mockery of the French natural, it’s fun too. Beyond that, I believe that it is a civic duty to insult cowardly Frenchmen. That’s right a civic duty, such as voting, and serving jury duty, not just as an American, but as a citizen of the world. All of humanity benefits from making a vulgar mockery of the French.

What have the French ever done to you, eh?

Who’s asking that? Show yourself you linguini spined slug! For one thing, the French gave us the Statue of Liberty.

Isn’t that a good thing? It was a gift you filthy, unappreciative American.

Aha! I knew you sounded French. To answer your question - sure it’s very nice of you to have given us a symbol of liberty and freedom. I take exception to the fact that I know, as well as the French do, that it was nothing but a prank. The joke’s on us.

What do you mean, eh?

Oh, come on now! I know you French look down your humongous noses at us, but we’re not that stupid. How many French statues and sculptures of beautiful naked women do you French have? And what do you send us? Thomas Jefferson in a robe. Did you think we wouldn’t notice you mocking one of our most important Founding Fathers by sending us a sculpture of Thomas Jefferson in drag. Well I noticed. It may have taken over 200 years, but we’re on to you Frenchie!

You insolent swine! Without our help, you would have never won your own war for independence from the English!

Quite true, Pepe Le Pew, (hey that rhymes) however we repaid the debt 216 years ago, during the French Revolution. How many times have we saved your sorry, quivering hides from extinction since then? Like a hundred by my count. At some point you have got to let go of that. The scale has tipped far in favor of the French owing us.

You Americans are nothing but uncultured cowboys!

Hey, thanks! Er, wait… Was that sarcastic? Are you implying that we are actually cultured elitists, like the French? I ask because it sounded like you intended that as an insult.

No. You have a cavalier attitude.

Again with the compliments that sound like you intend them to be insults. How stupid are you Jean-Paul? Cowboys are heroes. Cowboys have guts. Cowboys look evil in the eye and then remove it from the face of the earth. Are you so mind numbingly stupid that you think that’s a bad thing?

Hey! Where did you go? I guess he got scared and ran away. So, as I was saying, the French really suck. Also I would like to apologize to anyone who found this offensive. I am sincerely sorry that you are a yellow-bellied, jelly-spined, gutless, surrender monkey.

I’m sorry you were born French. I’m sorry that you got offended because you are such a pussy.

Happy Bastille Day!

I’m digging this out of the Political Humor archives to gratuitously add to Humor-Blogs.com

Related: The History of Independence Day
A History of Groundhog Day
Great Moments in Hezbollah History

If you’re found this history lesson enlightening please Subscribe to Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty.

Image: Bastille Day Fireworks by claytron

I had one of those “no weekend” weekends wherein I tore apart an exterior wall and attempted to put it back together again. Without any help. Did I mention that I’m not too good at careful destruction, and even worse at construction. (I excel at wanton destruction).

It was exhausting work, but my wall is now there, protecting the insides from the rain. This got me thinking, nothing rejuvenates like Bacon®. That goes without saying. But what about people that make their Bacon® in the microwave?

Is Microwave Bacon® even really Bacon®, or is it just sacrilege?

Discuss.

Sign up for Humor-Blogs.com and vote for your favorite Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty posts. You can theoretically also vote for your favorites from other Humor-Blogs.com members as well. Theoretically.

Sidney (AP).  In a stunning news conference today, officials of the Australian government have announced a new ad campaign directed at combating rising food prices indirectly linked to the skyrocketing cost of crude oil and the sever drought that has all but destroyed local crops and economies in recent years.

The main cause of this growing humanitarian crisis is linked directly to global warming said the officials.  They expressed a need to “expand our food sources” saying that it was “vital for our nation’s children”.

The new ad campaign begins today and will feature children dining on an old but seldom consumed source of indigenous protein.  Accompanying the images will be a catchy jingle. 

Humor-Blogs.com ate the d-i-n-g-o.

This is a follow up to Why McCain Should Not Be President.