Political Humor

I have decided it is time to stop fighting the inevitable and put my faith in the belief that humans are causing Global Warming.

It is the right thing to do after all.

Everyone keeps telling me the science is settled so it must be true. The Oracle Al Gore even said something about putting out a baby on fire. I guess that was his way of saying the planet has a fever.

It is hard to tell with his monotone delivery.

Al Gore could say he punted a puppy and ripped the wings off an angel. But  his oratory would sound so boring we might not realize just how evil he is.

Oh wait, I didn’t mean that. Well, I used to mean it but Al is my Messiah now (sorry Barack). Al knows what is best for us. The night time is the right time…

Okay where was I? Ah yes the whole settled thing. Of course it is past debate. The Himalyan glaciers are melting:

The chairman of the leading climate change watchdog was informed that claims about melting Himalayan glaciers were false before the Copenhagen summit, The Times has learnt.

Rajendra Pachauri was told that the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change assessment that the glaciers would disappear by 2035 was wrong, but he waited two months to correct it. He failed to act despite learning that the claim had been refuted by several leading glaciologists.

The IPCC’s report underpinned the proposals at Copenhagen for drastic cuts in global emissions.

See, they were right. In 25 years the glaciers will be gone, leaving massive flooding and devastation…what did you say? Re-read the article?

Oh geez they were wrong. But it is only one thing. Just one major, big-time underpinning. No problem, move along.

The IPCC report says that mountain ice is disappearing after all:

In its most recent report, it stated that observed reductions in mountain ice in the Andes, Alps and Africa was being caused by global warming, citing two papers as the source of the information.

However, it can be revealed that one of the sources quoted was a feature article published in a popular magazine for climbers which was based on anecdotal evidence from mountaineers about the changes they were witnessing on the mountainsides around them.

The other was a dissertation written by a geography student, studying for the equivalent of a master’s degree, at the University of Berne in Switzerland that quoted interviews with mountain guides in the Alps.

The loss of mountain ice will devastate the planet as we know it…what? I misread that one too?

Crap, they based their assertion on a college student’s dissertation.

Okay fine that is two lies. Just two underpinnings.

The IPCC report also said that rainforests would disappear because of global warming:

In the Fourth Assessment Report (AR4), issued in 2007 by the U.N.’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), scientists wrote that 40 percent of the Amazon rainforest in South America was endangered by global warming.

But that assertion was discredited this week when it emerged that the findings were based on numbers from a study by the World Wildlife Federation that had nothing to do with the issue of global warming — and that was written by a freelance journalist and green activist.

Finally some facts. We can’t lose the rain forests or the Earth will be plunged into darkness…oh come on! Don’t tell me I misread another one.

What the hell! Three underpinnings that were wrong. Three lies.

Still, this global warming thing has to be real. It has to. The science is settled. It’s seeeettttlllledddd!

Okay I’m going to prove it once and for all by bringing in one of the lead scientists of the IPCC, Phil Jones. He has settled the science:

B – Do you agree that from 1995 to the present there has been no statistically-significant global warming

Yes, but only just. I also calculated the trend for the period 1995 to 2009. This trend (0.12C per decade) is positive, but not significant at the 95% significance level. The positive trend is quite close to the significance level. Achieving statistical significance in scientific terms is much more likely for longer periods, and much less likely for shorter periods.

C – Do you agree that from January 2002 to the present there has been statistically significant global cooling?

No. This period is even shorter than 1995-2009. The trend this time is negative (-0.12C per decade), but this trend is not statistically significant.

Finally this issue is resolved…what? Wait a minute, don’t tell me. Son of a beeyotch I see the problem with Jones’ reasoning.

A warming trend of 0.12C is “quite close to the significance level” but a cooling trend of the same exact amount is “not statistically significant”.

Sigh.

That’s four lies.

I guess I have no other choice as a believer in man-made Global Warming then to enact the nuclear option. Pass me a glass…

[H/T to Gateway Pundit for the compilation of all the links I used above.]

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Chris Cameron is a writer for Radioactive Liberty and also for his own blog about everything, Angry Seafood.

Wanted: Rouser seeks Rabble. Radical Right-Wing Instigator looking for like-minded Tea-Baggers, Timothy McVeigh wannabes, and Mob Mentality Nazi sign holders to overthrow current Democrat Congress in 2010 elections, by backing Conservative Candidates. Moderates need not respond.

Les at comments, Radioactive Liberty

Here we go again. FIAR has tried everything in his considerable power to fix the comment issue. Funny how it’s only me. I smell a conspiracy. A big, fat, we’ve been hacked by black helicopter pilots, conspiracy.  No, not black pilots, black helicopters. We’ll keep trying.

New Bill of Rights (Supersedes the Old Bill of Rights. They were kind of dusty and inflexible.)

You have the Right to Remain Silent. If you give up that Right and exercise Free Speech, you can and will be taxed on a progressive scale.

You have the Right to Keep and Bear Arms. If you can’t afford a firearm, one will be provided to you. Low Income Minorities can obtain loaded Saturday Night Specials at One Stop locations where they currently receive welfare checks, free legal aid, no cost abortions, voter registration, clean needles and food stamps. Repealed by Executive Order 16237

You have the Right to Health Care. If you chose not to exercise that Right, you will be subject to fines and imprisonment. While in prison, you will be forced to use better Health Care than available to the general public.

You have the Right to Life. If you are a Fetus, Elderly, or a Burden on Society, you are exempt from this Right.

You have the Right to Liberty. If you… Never mind, you already gave up that Right.

You have a Right to Pursue Happiness. If you are not happy, you will be prescribed medication to ensure your Happiness.

Do you understand these Rights as President Obama wrote them?

The New Bill of Rights are wholly owned by Obama Red Inc, and are subject to change without notice. No guarantee of actual rights are expressed or implied.

Stupid Question of the Day: Miranda Rights

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?”

Stupid Question: If I’m arrested, don’t remain silent, and then charges are dropped (because of course, I was innocent), have my Miranda Rights been violated, since they didn’t use what I said “against” me “in a court of law”? 

NOTICE: The comments section is malfunctioning on this post. Please jot down your rage-filled rantings so you won’t forget the exact vitriol-laced verbiage when it comes back on-line.  Still, the only reason you would do that is because you’re gay.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Gratefully, I was an Army Recruiter before that inane rule came out. After 1993, recruiters could still disqualify guys if they were commies, but not if they looked for magazines under their mother’s side of the bed. Thanks, Bill.

I’ve been retired for ten years, but I can’t imagine opinions have change much concerning Pole Smokers in uniform. This politically correct and insightful post will focus on those kind, as we men really don’t care if a few of the opposite sex prefers some tacky little pamphlet in their daddy’s bottom drawer. It’s well known, most red-blooded American males secretly lust for some dirty love with a pair of lesbians.

“I’ve been licking this carpet for 3 hours and I still don’t feel like a Lesbian!”   Eric Cartman

Men are dogs… sometimes poodles. I’ll be the first to admit it. It’s true. We hetro guys fantasize a lot about inserting our Tab A’s into a female’s (or six) Slot B’s. That’s just the way we roll.

Those homo guys on the other hand, think a lot about sticking their Tab A’s into our Slot C’s. Not cool.

This is one reason the Greatest Fighting Force in the World doesn’t need flamers, burning down the door as they burst out of their closets, -or in this case, wall lockers- before flitting out to prance around the parade field.

Jeff Foxworthy said, “I’d like a beer and I’d like to see something naked.” I’m 100% certain Jeff was talking about women. That pretty much sums up most dudes, but not all.  President Obama wants the Department of Defense to slide butt pirates into that statement. That’s something I’d pay good money NOT to see.

Don’t try to tell me that they’re only interested in other gay guys. I call bullshit on that notion. If that’s true, the Armed Forces should also allow married males to group shower with married females. After all, they aren’t interested in those women, right?

Seriously, the last thing I’d want -if I was still on active duty- is to have to shower with a guy who was checking out my military member. The essence of this is, human nature is human nature, no matter how unnatural and sickening it may be.

Still, if you want to serve your country and you’re some kind of deviated pervert, do everyone a favor and keep it to yourself. Don’t dick with the good order and discipline of the U.S. Military by attempting to co-mingle your nasty twisted, with their straight, precious bodily fluids.

Come on, really… what makes anyone think that telling a heroic group of young, testosterone laden warriors they should serve with guys who openly admit to wet dreaming about them, is going to have a positive outcome?

Here’s a thought for our wonderful men in the Armed Forces, if Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell does get rescinded, don’t punch them in the face. Instead, every time some Puss in Boots looks at you wrong, pats you on the back, or makes any kind of statement that you could even remotely take as an innuendo, make it known you’re uncomfortable, and believe you’ve been sexual harassed. They want all the same rights and privileges. Give ‘em to ‘em.

I’d like hear your thoughts on this subject. I’d especially like to hear from women. Ladies please let me know what you think about Lesbos in Camos. That, and are you and a girlfriend into three-ways?

I’m only ah, joking about the three-ways thing. Yeah, that’s it. Really. Please don’t tell my wife. I’m kind of attached to my… er… you know.