Political Humor

Shortly before the 2008 election, Nancy Pelosi informed voters that if they elected more Democrats to the House and Senate, we would have an even more bipartisan Congress.

if the Democrats win, and have substantial majorities, Congress of the United States will be more bipartisan,”

This was one of those moments of accidental transparency in our elected representatives. It’s like when President Barack Obama made the “punished with a baby” quip.

Pelosi pointed out that the true and meaningful definition of bipartisanship is voting in lockstep with Democrats. So what she really said was, “if the Democrats win and have substantial majorities, Congress of the United States of America will vote more in lockstep with Democrats.”

Oh sure, we point and laugh, but the Democrats are usually pretty good at guarding their real agendas from the American people. Pelosi made the sort of Freudian slip where the political jokes almost write themselves.

Why does bipartisanship even matter? Somewhere in history, someone decided it was a good thing to stop fighting to win, and settle for second best. Instead of putting one side against the other, and letting the victor take the spoils - loser walks - it was better to find a watered down solution that really didn’t resemble either idea.

My guess is Ugh and Mugh were throwing rocks at each other, and then one day they decided that it was better to find out what they had in common, and stop throwing rocks at each other. In this respect, it probably was a fairly productive way of preserving the species through cooperation.

We always hear bipartisan this and bipartisanship that, and the whole idea is based on the notion that it’s better to meet in the middle somewhere, find common ground, and come to an agreement that satisfies no one. Instead bipartisan means that Republicans have to break campaign promises and tow the Democrat Party line.

Meanwhile, their constituents scream and yell, “Whoa! Hey! That’s the wrong hole!” The Republican representative replies with, “yeah… uh.. I forgot the lube too. I hope you don’t mind.” Some people enjoy this. That’s how Democrats get elected.

The Democrats understand that people think the continual rock fight between Ugh and Mugh is counterproductive, so the Democrats have taken this idea of compromise, and bastardized it into meaning, “tow the Democrat line you ugly pig puke Republican.”

Bipartisan means that Ugh now beats Mugh in the head with a rock, but it’s consensual. You see, in this case, it makes more sense to keep throwing rocks back than it does to relegate yourself to the role of subservient victim. In this respect, cooperation with your abuser is not a productive way of preserving the species.

Now that the Democrats have a substantial majority in Congress, and Teh Chozen One!!11!1 in the White House, we may see more examples in the future of Democrats making the type of Freudian slip that Pelosi made. I wonder what they might be. Will President Obama accidentally tell the press core that he hates his wife. Mr. President, when did you stop beating your wife? I would like a notarized and time stamped verification.

I think it is likely that Speaker of the House Pelosi will reveal the truth about herself. I always thought that she was cobbled together from various cadavers, like Dr. Frankenstein’s monster, but Frankenstein’s monster wanted to have a soul, unlike Pelosi. I don’t even think it is the surprise ending of The Crying Game.

My theory is that Nancy Pelosi is actually a Lizard alien from outer space. One of these days, she’s going to let it slip out. Perhaps while she is eating a live Gerbil for lunch.

What do you think?

Clusterphobes Anonymous

Hi, my name’s Les and I’m Clusterphobic.

A chorus of voices rings out, “Hi Les, we’re Clusterphobes too!”

I’m what you use to call a con-ser-va-tive. But since that word no longer seems to hold the meaning it use to, I decided to come up with a different label.

Funny thing about this meeting, we don’t have a 12-step program. We don’t need one. None of us want to change. We like being Clusterphobes. Well, maybe like is the wrong word. We LOVE being Clusterphobes.

But just what does it mean to be Clusterphobic, you might be asking. The best way I know how to describe it, is by breaking down the term.

Definition of root words:
Cluster: a number of things of the same kind that are held together through a common bond, i.e. a bunch, group, gang or gaggle.

Phobia: pathological fear of something that is irrational or out of proportion. The problem here is, whose yardstick is it that is being used to measure the irrationality or the proportionality? I tell you what. It’s not mine.

So what this means is that Clusterphobia is a seemingly unwarranted dread of political parties, committees, government organizations, unions, boards or other similar groups, gangs, gaggles or… clusters.

Now you might think that it’s rather oxymoronic to have a group that fears groups. Kind of like a hermit colony. But I assure you, that’s not the case.

You see, we only fear -dread would be a better way to put it- certain groups, the groups that take the fun out of life. You know the ones. They vote for Dicktators!

Pissing Off the Left

Multiple studies have shown that us racist, bigoted, gay bashing, hate-filled, war mongers actually enjoy  happier, more satisfying social and sexual lives than our Socialist counterparts.

And this tends to piss the libs off. They start to toss about verbiage they heard on the nightly news or in the classroom.

Let’s look at one of the most commonly tossed about labels. We’re just paranoid, they will tell us. Apart from being one of the seminal albums of the 70’s, it holds a much more sinister connotation in the mouths of the Obamaites.

Paranoia: Fear of the supposed hostility from others. But remember, that doesn’t mean they really aren’t out to get you. Admittedly a bit cliché, but it gets the point across. Any right-winger who doesn’t believe that the left is out to get them just hasn’t had the pleasure of crossing their path.

They would take it a little further and say we’re angry, irrationally scared and probably prone to violence. That sounds much more like the traits of those who will be waiting in line for the Obama-Nation to hand out their jackboots, Billy clubs and brown shirts, when His civilian, internal peace keeping force is established.

In their opinion, a good bashing about or a little bit of government sponsored re-training, and those suffer from this condition, just might be turned into freethinking (translates: free from thinking), over tax paying citizens of the world.

Then we too can marvel and wonder at just how anyone ever managed to be so stupid as not to have voted in such brilliant people. Those amazing lawmakers, who can legislate a carefree country, in which we can all be happily subjugated.

I don’t think so

My self-appointed position in this new organization is that of the Teddy Bear in the Nursery. You know the one. It has a camera in it. It’s the Nanny Cam for the Nanny State. My role is to look at what’s going on in the political world and then try to break it to you using humor. It softens the blow.

I join Fiar in my commitment to bringing you only the most untarnished, unbiased news in the finest tradition of the New Your Times, Mother Earth News, The Huffington Post, CNN, NBC, CBS, NPR, Air America, etc, etc and etc. It’s news you can believe in.

BTW: Recently images from this site have shown-up at both Huffington and Air America. As Fiar so succinctly put it, “Don’t those people know we’re the enemy?’

Les James has moved to Mondays to make room for JumpOut. His big ego and even bigger head needs the room, but you can always find Les at Humor and Satire at Sideshow Mirrors.

In this current climate of financial crisis, many of us will be finding ourselves laid off, or seeking supplementary income. Others will be cutting back on expenses in any way that the belt can be tightened. This leads us to an important question that will be either asked or answered by many readers of this conservative humor site.

Would you like fries with that?

Discuss.