Political Humor

Since Democrats have control of Congress, and won the Presidential election in a landslide victory, it’s clear the American people are confident in the way the Democrats run things.

Since we’re so confident in the Democrats, I think we should give them control of the North Pole. Santa has been doing some shoddy work lately, and i think a dose Liberalism is just what the Big Guy needs to turn things around.

First things first, Old St. Nick is a bit squishy around the mid-section. I mean, he’s already several hundred years old, and we know that obesity, combined with old age is a sure death sentence. In order to bring Santa’s weight under control, we’ll need to pass a fat tax. All egg nog, gingerbread houses, candy-canes, chocolate chip cookies, and all other foods that contain fat, and/or sugar shall be subject to a 20% sales tax.

We’ll use the extra revenue to build fitness centers around Santa’s workshop (at a 200% mark-up and supplied by Nancy Pelosi’s brother-in-law), and we’ll mandate that all Christmas operations must be suspended for an additional hour every day to make time for working-out.

The next order of business will be to protect North Polese labor. The workers need to get organized, and stand up for their rights. There will be no more elves working until they die. There will be a 20 gumdrop/hour raise across the board. We’re going to start ELFU (Elven Labor Federal Union), and institute the card-check program to ensure that the elves are protected from the bourgeoisie evil Santa Corp.

Finally, Al Gore has informed us that over the last twenty years, the average temperature of the north pole is up one tenth of one tenth of a percent.

Effective immediately we must pass legislation controlling the diet of the reindeer. We need to alter their diet to reduce their flatulence. All that methane gas is destroying the environment. We’ll also need to mandate that all light bulbs be changed to compact fluorescent bulbs. We’ll legislate that the fireplace in Kris Kringle’s shop only run for three hours during the middle of the night.

To ensure compliance with all these regulations, we’re going to appoint a North Pole Czar. The obvious choice is Kelly Osbourne. She is supremely qualified since she is a female, comes from a famous family, and…well that’s all you really need, isn’t it? There will be no more problems in the North Pole! Yaaaaaaayyyyy!!!

Update for 2009:

It seems Santa is in jail for shoplifting egg nog. We could get Kelly Osbourne to do the deliveries, but for the first time in centuries, Santa’s Workshop couldn’t get all the orders filled this year, and Donner and Cupid died of malnutrition.

Rudolph passed away as well, but he died from mercury poisoning when the compact florescent bulb the government mandated be installed in his nose broke. Also, for the first time in centuries Santa’s Workshop reported a budget deficit. It’s so awful in the North Pole right now.

We must act immediately to save the North Pole! We have legislation in the works to fix every problem in the North Pole. It must be passed, the North Pole is too big to fail!

You can find JumpOut at his police humor blog, You Should be Tasered. The only place on the internet to learn how not to get killed by the police.

Original Image: Santa Under Arrest by Stéfan

More Christmas Humor:

* Obama Night Before Christmas Parody
* Holiday Gift Ideas
* Does Santa Claus Hate the Jews?
* 12 Days of Christmas Parody

I love Christmas songs! And who doesn’t? The best thing about Christmas carols is that they are so damned easy to learn. They only ever have like 4 lines, and those lines are repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, ad nauseum. Then the songs are played on an infinite loop beginning in October. Even children can learn the songs in no time.

What’s not to love?

The most bestest, favoritest, awesomest Christmas song of all time has to be the 12 Days of Christmas. It’s a little hard to learn all the parts, since there are 12 days of lines to learn, but with repeating all the lines that came before, it’s the single most repetitive of all the Christmas songs. Let me tell you, what a joy it is to sing the lines over and over again with just that minor, teensy weensy change of adding a new line each time. It’s the best!

So, for your Christmas pleasure we have crafted this 12 Days of Christmas parody with a political humor twist. It’s not just a tribute to Christmas, but it also pays homage to global warming hysteria. Global warming hysteria may be having it’s last Christmas this year before it grows up and transforms into an adult size “global climate change.”

Adulthood for global warming involves lots of backpedaling and double-speak, so it’s not much fun. Let’s all enjoy it’s last hurrah.

On the First Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
a copy of his stupid movie

On the Second Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid move

On the Third Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
three frostbit fingers
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid movie

On the Fourth Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
four extra parkas
three frostbite fingers
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid movie

On the Fifth Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
five frozen squirrels
four extra parkas
three frostbite fingers
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid movie

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
twelve inches of Global Warming
eleven pipes a busting
ten icy sidewalks slipping
nine Hobo-cicles
eight record snowfalls
seven nasty ice storms
six days of blackout
five frozen squirrels
four extra parkas
three frostbit fingers
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid movie

Wow! That was almost as much fun as it is to put a gigantic tree inside my tiny little home rendering one of the few rooms in my house unusable for an entire month. If you enjoyed that, first seek professional help. I don’t care if it’s a psychologist, your minister, or the fairies you talk to as you walk down the street. As long as they are certified, because you are certifiable.

Step two, email it to all your friends, link to it from your blog if you have one, or post it to your favorite social media/bookmarking sites. We think it’s good for everyone if you spread the humor around. Besides, it is the season of sharing.

Step three, check out some of our other Christmas humor columns.
* Obama Night Before Christmas Parody
* Holiday Gift Ideas
* Does Santa Claus Hate the Jews?

This was a collaborative effort between Fiar and Les James. Original concept, intro, and outro by Fiar. 12 Days of Christmas lyrics mangled by Les James. Les James enjoys long walks on the beach, dressing up as Mrs. Claus, and having people submit their works of humor to his twisted humor blog, Sideshow Mirrors. If you’re looking for a Christmas gift for Les, just send him your work to post to his blog. If you would like to send Fiar a Christmas gift, don’t listen to those uppity etiquette manuals, cash is a perfectly cromulent gift.

Merry Obamass!

In his secret Chicago headquarters -a renovated Speakeasy from the Al Capone days- President Elect Barack Hussein Obama, is meeting with his trusted adviser, Rahm Emanuel.

Obama: Rahm, what’s that folder in your hand? You look like you want to talk to me about something.

Emanuel: Yes sir, I’m afraid we’re going to have to look at some of your campaign promises again.

Obama: What are you talking about? You know I only said that stuff to get elected.

Emanuel: Yes, sir. I’m very aware; I was a politician after all.

Obama: Huh… we really pulled a fast one on those gullible idiots, didn’t we?

Emanuel: We sure did. But anyway, can we get back to those campaign promises?

Obama: Sure. What’s up?

Emanuel: It seems that some of those people actually thought you were serious about creating all those jobs.

Obama: And you think that I need to look like I care so it doesn’t affect my pre-inauguration poll numbers? The season of giving, hope and change and all that other crap? Sure why not? Toss ‘em a bone.

Emanuel: Fantastic! One with absolutely no meat on it. Brilliant. That’s what I love about working for you sir; you always know just the right thing to do.

Obama: It’s a gift but speaking of jobs, do you think we can find Michelle anything to do? She’s really bugging me. That woman can be a major pain in the ass.

Emanuel: I’m sure we can find something but you want to be careful. Remember what happened to Bill when Hillary latched on to health care.

Obama: Good point. Speaking of Hillary, she’s making me nervous, being all sweet and everything. I think we’re putting her in a position that’s a little too close for my comfort.

Emanuel: Keep your friends close but your enemies…

Obama: You’re missing it. I mean she’s too close in the Presidential Line Of Succession.

Emanuel: She’s number four. There are three others before her.

Obama: Yeah, that’s what I mean. There’s only three…

Emanuel: I’ll keep an eye on her for you. Now sir, I had a major New York marketing firm look at this jobs issue and they came up with a few ideas. This folder was just delivered by courier so I haven’t had a chance to look it over yet.

Obama: Great, just spread those out here on my desk and let’s take a look. I’m sure those Madison Avenue boys came up with something we can use…

Share our funny pictures with your friends, or people you really just want to annoy. All we ask is that you attribute them to the page you found them on. We’re happy to take the blame.

Les James delivers here every Monday, like a pissed-off Postal worker during the Holidays. Neither rain nor snow or stupid comments can stop him from stuffing this junk mail in your slot. The rest of the time, you can find him hanging-out with his unsavory minions at political satire & humor at Sideshow Mirrors.