Political Humor | The Alternative Voter’s Guide

But Wait, There’s More

The following is a cheesy infomercial designed to tempt you into getting something you don’t really want or need.

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They’ve been around for some time, but you just haven’t really heard from them -mostly because they don’t try very hard. They’re the poor, redheaded stepchildren of the American political system. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Libertarian and Green Parties!

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The Alternative Voter’s Guide

Being the honest, hard working folks you are, I’ve no doubt that you’ve subscribed. So I’ll go on ahead.

I recently spent a little time glancing over the platforms of both the Green and the Libertarian Parties. I figured I’d just take a peek so I could be a lot more informed than most voters about these two groups. Then I could pass it on to you. Here’s what I remember about them.

The Green Party’s platform reads like a wish list. It contained a lot of “shoulds”. You know, like we should do this and should do that. Very little substance in there and a lot of good intentions. Isn’t that what the road to hell is paved with?

The Libertarian Party’s platform reads like the preamble to the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence, or something. We the People in order to break with the cult of oppressive government, or some such crap. I got bored and started skipping around.

The Green Party thinks drugs are OK. So does the Libertarian. I like drugs, they keep my blood pressure regulated and when I have a headache, drugs take away the pain. I’m good with this.

Both seem to favor a women’s right to choose. This is a touchy point and I’m going to do the same thing as they did with this issue, I’ll skirt it. Or maybe I should pants suit it instead.

Greens think we need more government control to curb evil big business and wealthy people. Libertarians like wealthy, evil people and corporations.

Libertarians believe in free speech, free enterprise, free sexual expression, and guns for everyone!

Libertarians are anarchists.

Greens want government to put a stop to “isms”, like racism, sexism and ageism. I’ve said it before, “isms” are beliefs. Tough little buggers to kill. They also want to abolish fear. That’s what they said. I’m not making this up. They want to end homophobia, the fear of homos. Their words (sort of), not mine. It’s government indoctrination camps for all!

Greens are communist.

Both parties believe in peaceful co-existents with the rest of the world and a policy of non-aggression.

Both parties are pussys.

Meet The Candidates: Bob Barr (L) and Ralph Nader (G)

After exhausting myself by not doing any additional research, I will now attempt to choose a candidate the same way as most voters. I’ll do it on looks and the very little that I think that I know about each of them.

First Impressions

Ralph Nader is a white male, so I can clearly not choose him.

Bob Barr is also a white male, so I can clearly not choose him.

Both Barr and Nader knew they were white males and knew that I would know this. Thus playing the race card. So I can clearly not choose either of them.

Ralph Nader looks disheveled. Obviously, he won’t care how the White House lawns look either. But Nader is crafty. He would try to use his lack of grooming as a lever to wedge himself into a place in my mind that screams at me… bigot! But who else but a slob and hate monger would attempt such tactics?

Bob Barr has a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Barr must be a fascist. But Barr would know that I would know that Hitler had a mustache. He would count on it. He would also count on me thinking that no one would wear a mustache if they were a fascist. Ipso facto, he really must be one.

I astound myself with my dizzying intellectual reasoning capacity.

Name Recognition

Ralph Nader, I remember as the guy who didn’t like the Corvair. I liked the Corvair, especially, the turbo-charged model. I had a friend who had one and let me tell you…

Bob Barr, I’ve never hear of before, but his name sounds too much like a TV game show host. I don’t want a president who decides vital issue by using Let’s Make A Deal or The Price is Right as a policy model. That’s my final answer.

I Know a Little, so I Can Deduce …

Ralph Nader doesn’t drive. He never learned. So he relies on others to do things for him, that he finds abhorrent. Nader therefore, must secretly endorse torture chambers and animal abuse.

Bob Barr use to be a Republican. That’s like saying he use to be in the Costa Nostra.

Ralph Nader has run for president more times then he has fingers and he never even gets close to winning.

Bob Barr says he’s for a peaceful world, but his running mate has the initials W.A.R.

Both have My Space pages. Isn’t that were all the degenerates hang out, trolling for under aged “dates”. So I can clearly not choose either of them.

Here are My Conclusions

The biggest loser and communist, Ralph Nader is a racist, white male, sicko, hater, with bad personal hygiene, who likes to watch others drown puppies.

The Caucasian mobster, Bob (Don) Barr has commitment issues and is a racist, fascist, warmonger perv, who hides behind big words and a little moustache.

And they’re both pussys.

I almost fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never vote for a third party when your countries life is on the line. I can clearly not choose from the candidates in front of me.

I think I’ll just choose the Iocane powder.

Dedicated to the loving memory of Rob Reiner, who isn’t dead yet. In fact, I hear he’s feeling better. 

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Four Other Famous Ralphs

Ralphie, A Christmas Story

Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners

Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons

Japanese Ralph, George H.W. Bush

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