Political Humor | It’s Time to Play Guess the Illegal

Announcer: “Live from one of Obama’s 58 states, are you ready to play…”

Crowd: “Guess…The…Illegal!”

(Mad applause ensues)

Announcer: “And here he is, your host, Chris Cameron!”

(Even more applause)

Good evening everyone and welcome to Guess The Illegal, the hot new political humor game show where contestants vie for cash and prizes guessing the immigration status of random people.

Today’s contestants are fellow political humor writers here at Radioactive Liberty, Les and Fiar. Tell us a little bit about yourself guys.

Fiar: I can’t decide who I like least, illegal aliens or hippies.

Les: Babies Fiar.

Fiar: Them too.

Interesting. So let’s get this started. The game is simple. Each round you will be shown a picture of a person who’s legal status appears questionable. Contestants will try and guess whether the image is of a legal or illegal alien.

Ready guys? Round One:

Fiar, what do you think, legal or illegal?

Fiar: Charlie Sheen! That’s quite the mugshot. Will he ever grow up and stay out of trouble with the authorities? His Grampa may have immigrated from Spain. But he’s a second generation American citizen. Not illegal.

Fiar says legal. Les?

Les: Way too obvious. He has either Colombian drug kingpin or Middle Eastern bomb maker (they all look the same to me) written all over him. I’d say he’s really a second generation New York falafel cart owner, or a legal resident, southwest sales supervisor for Microsoft. I think I’ve got this guy nailed.

Les says both and gets a whammy.

The answer is illegal. He’s Jose Luis Rubi-Nava who is believed to be an illegal alien and also suspected of murder. Since Les got a whammy and Fiar said legal, no points this round.

On to Round Two:

Les, what do you think, legal or illegal?

Les: Where did you find this one? I thought all those pictures were destroyed. Some of you might be tricked into believing this is Charo and maybe our illegal. In fact it’s the now infamous shot taken at a 2004 Halloween party. Get ready for this. That’s Diesel from The Mattress Police, in drag. I think he’s legal, at least his residency.

Les says legal. Fiar?

Fiar: Gold digger! Clearly this is a Russian mail order bride. By the looks of it, one of the lower quality ones. I bet those bangs are hiding some serious wrinkles. A little Botox goes a long way, Honey. Legal by a technicality.

Fiar says legal. Circle gets a square.

She is legal. Charo may be past her prime but she is a US citizen, having achieved that status in the 70’s. Both of you get a point and we are tied after two rounds 1-1.

Before we get to the final round we need to take a short break for some commercial messages. See you in two and two.

Fade out….fade in….

A man and a woman are discussing something and he is looking at her breasts. She slaps him.

Narrator: Women, do you have trouble with men making eye contact with you?

A man and a woman are talking at a nightclub and he is looking at her breasts. She slaps him.

Narrator: Men, do you respect women but can’t help letting your eyes wander to their cleavage?

A man and his mom are talking at a BBQ and he looks down at her chest. She slaps him

Narrator: Is this behavior causing embarrassment and a sense of uncomfortableness? Then you need the new Boob Away watch!

Narrator: Developed from German technology in WWII, Boob Away works with your pupils and when it senses you are traveling into a visual danger zone of uncomfortableness, it’s sends a 15 volt shock into your wrist telling you your not maintaining eye contact. The negative stimuli will stop the behavior immediately.

A man and a woman are talking on a park bench. Eye contact is achieved and maintained. Both turn to the camera and give a thumbs-up sign.

Narrator: Order your Boob Away today!

Warning: May cause death by electric shock. Do not use Boob Away when engaged in a conversation with a large-breasted woman as such side effects can occur.

Welcome back to Guess The Illegal. There is one round left to determine the winner of a great vacation package grand prize. Who will win?

Here we go…

Legal or illegal, what do you say Fiar?

Fiar: Isn’t that the guy that works the night shift at the Quickie Mart? He came here as an exchange student and overstayed his visa. Go back to your country of ambiguous origin you leech! Illegal.

Fiar goes with illegal. Your pick Les?

Les: This is a cropped mug shot from when Mexican national, now U.S. citizen in waiting, Carlos Delgado-Mendes was taken into custody along the Texas-Mexico border for smuggling parakeets in his shorts. Why is he smiling? The police photographer had been hitting a helium filled balloon.

Les says legal. Judges? Oh I’m sorry he is illegal, Jose A. Morales who is suspected of lying about his legal status to become a cop.

And that means Fiar wins! Don tell him what he has won.

Don Pardo: Fiar you have won a three-day two-night vacation for you and a guest to beautiful Lawrence, Massachusetts. Once a former thriving Northeast mill town, it is now a bustling city with one of the highest concentrations of Hispanics in America. You’ll stay at the luxurious ‘Motel No-Tell’ and take in the local Mexican cuisine and culture.

That sound like a lot of fun Don. Boy, I bet you’ll be able to play the home version of our game on that great vacation. Thanks to both our contestants for a well-played game. This is Chris Cameron saying good night and make sure you keep guessing the illegals!

Chris Cameron writes this political humor column every Thursday. He also has his own odd works of humor at Angry Seafood.

Want funny blogs by legal US residents? Make sure you visit Humor-Blogs.com.